Seeking Middle-Age Dating Advice

[doityrselfguy]

Hello!

Aside from our common interest in appliances, I've found this to be a very enlightening, smart and compassionate group of people on this site. As such, I'm throwing this out there in hopes of getting some advice and different perspectives.

I'm 41, and was laid off from my job several months ago. I threw myself into my career for years while for the most part, neglecting my personal life. I've used my time off to get into shape for health and self-esteem reasons, and to get back in touch with my local gay community.

Back in my 20s, I had no trouble meeting other men to date, and had plenty of relationship options. I'm now finding this extremely difficult and frustrating. The bars are pretty much a younger person's venue (I feel invisible there now). I cherish the discussion groups I attend at my LGBT community center, but find myself in groups of 20-somethings and 60-somethings.

I'm hoping to meet other men around my age/lifestage for new friendships and possible dating. I know they're out there. Am I leaving other stones unturned?? I'd appreciate any thoughts you all have.

Thanks!

 

[jeffg]

I'm probably the last guy who should be offering dating advice, but all of the long-term relationships I've had were the result of meeting people through hetero and platonic gay friends.

What I'm suggesting is, simply focus on expanding your circle of friends, and sooner or later you'll meet someone you really click with. People who try and find a partner directly usually wind up very alone or with endless (and empty) one-nighters.

 

[westingman123]

I would second that! I'm a big believer in a big circle of friends, succcessful relationships almost always grow from the common bond of shared interests and friendship. Relax, it will happen when you least expect it. Meantime, hang out, work out and see how good you feel!!

 

[thomasortega]

Indeed!!!!

I never thought it could happend to me here at AW and I always kept myself far from any other kind of conversation beyond appliances but when destiny wants it to happen, nobody can stop it.

I'm starting a kind of relation with a virtual friend and we have the same intererests. Music, foods (I love to cook, he loves to eat), we both love the 70's, and even our car model is the same (well, I sold mine, but he still has his and the color is the same). There are so many coincidences that even the way we dress are the same. We stay chatting online for hours and hours even when we don't have nothing to say. I love his eyes, he loves my smile and the way I laugh and finally I decided to open my heart, let the river run and see what happens next.

We have almost the same age (but we both look very younger)

He's cute, hot, brilliant and VEEEEEEERY sweet. The only problem is the distance, but we both believe United Airlines can solve this issue. (I'll have to work much harder to get the platinum fidelity card)

For now it's just a "colourful online friendship with a touch of Downy", but if destiny wants it to happen in real life, it will become "an oven during the pyrolitic clean". If destiny doesn't want it to happen, we can be sure we had built a friendship that will last forever.

Best of all, we have exactly the same opinion about sex. We both like it, and we agree it's an important DETAIL in a relation but it's not the most important thing specially for those who started the sexual life in the 70's/80's, like us.

In your case, things can be easier as you can also go to the meetings and events organized by our friends and colleagues here at AW. Can you cook? Why don't you start some kind of "dinner club" with your closer friends, and always ask them to invite different guests, friends of your friends. Or start joining those parties, events and championships usually the gyms promote. Join your local community parties and organizations you like. You can also join those culinary classes offered by some supermarkets. The important is keep yourself in touch with people. you'll build a huge list of new friends and maybe find Mr. Right (and the best is if Mr. Right finds you).

 

[andrewinorlando]

Get a dog.

 

[washmeup]

Same boat here

I was in a fourteen year relationship that ended six years ago. I am not into the bar scene at all and the majority of my friends are straight. It is frustrating to say the least but I joined match.com just yesterday and I had five offers to go out to dinner and spoke with a guy that is moving here from LA in a month for over a hour and we really hit it off needless to say. Hang in there and try on-line dating. Just do it with one of the normal sites and not one that is known for hook-ups.

 

[rp2813]

Well, my partner of almost 24 years and I met in a bar. He was 36 and I was 30. Both of us were well past the bar scene but were dragged out by friends that night. No question about it, we are the exception, but anything is possible Pete.

We also belong to some local on-line social groups. The pool parties and bar-b-ques associated with these groups are a good way to meet people and make new friends. If you find an interesting group, you're not risking much by getting yourself on their e-mailing list, and if you attend a function it'll likely give you a start.

You're in your prime, my good man. Life indeed does begin at 40. There are plenty of men in your age group who are looking for the same thing you are, and in general they have their feet planted firmly on the ground. All bets are off if you're into barely legal 20-somethings. You're setting yourself up for frustration, disappointment and ultimately failure in that case.

Ralph

 

[whirlaway]

They are Either too Young or too Old

At56 It is very hard here in the Hampton Roads area to find someone.Lots of military and they are young.I keep waiting and looking.Get a beagle!!!! They keep you busy and are fun,no demands.I do meet quite a few straight men when I walk him everyday and they are pleasant to talk with.Being alone and lonely are two different things.Just keep busy!!!!! Good Luck Bobby

 

[jamiel]

Specific Detroit stuff:

1. I assume you're talking about Affirmations...troll their bulletin board for other activities which intrigue you.
2. If you were Big 3, reach back out to the LGBT employee groups there...
3. Take a look at Ties Like Me....good LGBT chamber of commerce type group.

And some non-Detroit stuff
4. Good for you fixing yourself first...rebalancing your life is a very good use of the time that comes from being between jobs.
5. Get out of the house and off the computer.
6. Do some volunteer work...makes you feel better and makes the world better.

 

[petek]

If you're bored come up to Sarnia (Port Huron) for a visit. Anyone else in the area as well. You'll need a passport or enhanced drivers licence now though to get back into the US now though. No I'm not looking for a relationship.. gawd I already have one.. just an invite.. and there happens to be a nice Hitachi Twin Tub washer at our Restore you can get to take home with you. it's been there a few weeks already.
I sometimes spend Sunday mornings combing all the flea markets around Detroit

 

[maytagbear]

First ye

joyne a jousting grouppe, then ye.....

Forgive me, I couldn't resist.

Is there a gay bowling league in the area?

Lawrence/Maytagbear

 

[mixfinder]

Silver Daddies

A kazillion offers from married men if I promised anonimity, a few offers from nasty old leather types who would "break me in right" and one invite to coffee. He followed me home, the rest is history and we'll celebrate 4 years in August. The trick is not to love yourself or even fix all the dysfunction. The key is to believe you are lovable. A little New Thought, some therapy and incantation or prayer never hurts. I was up to my eyeballs in volunteering, church and men's social groups. In the end, I had to do it myself, there aren't many Mr Perfects that knock on the front door and ask which room is theirs

 

[alr2903]

Gasp, don't wait on Mr Perfect. I have had Mr Imperfect (so has he), for 17 years. He is wonderful, (Except during Football season) and unless you get a guy from AW.org never let him touch your washer & dryer

 

[toggleswitch2]

~there aren't many Mr Perfects that knock on the front door and ask which room is theirs.

But as momma always said, you have to get to know someone first, have visited them many times and be their friend before attempting the back door.

I have to agree with the advice posted above. Friends, hobbies, family, pets, diet and excercise, spirituality and an occasional visit to a house of worship (I don't mean a leather bar) career and career choices geared towards a good retirement become more central during middle-age.

Lovers come and go, and one always must be prepared to face that. No one else can make you happy. That is YOUR job.

Much luck!

 

[doityrselfguy]

I appreciate all the feedback, everyone!

Just keeping busy and expanding my circle of friends makes perfect sense. It's comforting to hear that you can all relate to my issue. Thanks so much for responding!

As for internet sites, I totally agree that they need to be chosen carefully. My experience on some sites has only brought me married men who want a discreet fling with another man. Definitely not quality material.

Thanks again!