A non-PC funny

[iheartmaytag]

I appoligize if there are any mental health challenged individuals that read this. I just got it from a co-worker and it was too funny.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU


Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options
menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.


If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and Your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully And a little voice will tell You
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you
press, Nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep Or
before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to
talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, Hang up, turn on the fan, lie down
and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

 

[panthera]

tee-hee

Oh dear me, yes - and no doubt the PC police here are preparing your new cell now. There's only one bunk-bed in ours, and Toggles is still making a scene over who is on top...

 

[redcarpetdrew]

Oh, you are SO going to burn!

BUT, Damn! that's funny...

RCD

 

[andrewinorlando]

Very good....

 

[perc-o-prince]

You ain't gonna burn, and yes, it was funny. There's something to be said for not being PC all the time!

Chuck

 

[toggleswitch2]

Funny, this is a chain mail I found in my email.

Subject: Today is International Disturbed People's Day

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself... [or on others ]

You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special.

Remember, every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Today's Message of the Day is:

Life is short- break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Send to all the people you love and don't want to lose in 2008, even me.

If you get 3 back, you are a great friend.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.

oh Keven, as my sister once said to me:
No matter how much they try to f*** you, you always end-up on top. That's because G-d protects fools & children *LOL*

 

[toggleswitch2]

Bra Codes..to follow

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

 

[toggleswitch2]

A

View attachment 9-16-2008-21-32-34--Toggleswitch2.jpg

 

[toggleswitch2]

B

View attachment 9-16-2008-21-33-19--Toggleswitch2.jpg

 

[toggleswitch2]

c

View attachment 9-16-2008-21-33-59--Toggleswitch2.jpg

 

[toggleswitch2]

d

View attachment 9-16-2008-21-34-49--Toggleswitch2.jpg

 

[toggleswitch2]

Double D

View attachment 9-16-2008-21-35-43--Toggleswitch2.jpg

 

[toggleswitch2]

E

View attachment 9-16-2008-21-36-21--Toggleswitch2.jpg

 

[toggleswitch2]

F

View attachment 9-16-2008-21-37-7--Toggleswitch2.jpg

 

[toggleswitch2]

G

View attachment 9-16-2008-21-38-3--Toggleswitch2.jpg

 

[toggleswitch2]

H

View attachment 9-16-2008-21-38-54--Toggleswitch2.jpg

 

[danemodsandy]

One of My Women Friends:

Told me that she was getting sick and tired of her boyfriend's obsession with her boobs. He couldn't keep his hands off them, he got horny at the least little sight of them, he didn't want to do much of anything for foreplay but play with them, etc.

I told her, "Then he's really gonna be happy when he turns fifty - 'cause that when he'll get a set of his own!"

She laughed till she cried.

 

[nmaineman36]

Gawd that aint right! I got a kick out of Keven's post where Toggles is in the top bunk ...i got a good laugh at the one...top yeah right! But the bra meter makes me so glad I am a gay man. I could care less.

 

[toggleswitch2]

So there I was at the TIKI bar of a resort in Pompnoo Beach Florida. Episode after episode of shows like People's Courtand Divorce Court describing fake boobs and how the (ex) boyfrend wanted his money back for them.

So I asked the bartender why this was such an issue in the tropical climate of Florida. She said that the tropical climate meant skimpy clothing all year 'round and "everyone has fake ones", herself included. TMI HON!!!!!!!!

I was also informed that most of the adult entertainment industry wokers come from warm places, like Florida, Texas, Arizona etc. Apparenttly they are more used to being naked or near-naked!

Or as we northerners "know" all that heat constantly just fries your brain.... (DUCKS AND RUNS)

 

[toggleswitch2]

He didn't want to do much of anything ............. but play with them, etc.

Str8 friend says when they are that big you play woofky-foofky.

Stick your head between them then turn your head left, right left, right, as they smack yours ears all you hear is
WOOFKY, FOOFKY, WOOFKY, FOOFKY.........

 

[autowasherfreak]

LMAO

This has to be one of the funniest threads I've read so far. Especially the Mental Hospital Phone Menu. I have problems with depression and bi-polar, it did not offend me at all. I got a good laugh out of it, which I need to do more often. The Boob Codes is a good one too. Need to come up with one that us gays would enjoy!

James

 

[toggleswitch2]

Good. Glad it's not offensive. My sister sent it to me!

 

[toggleswitch2]

~But the bra meter makes me so glad I am a gay man.

I'm with ya on that one. What "they" see in two hanging baby bottles and a H***Y PEE H*** is beyond me.

 

[toggleswitch2]

America is insatiable, that is for sure.

oy vey!

 

[toggleswitch2]

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending
his Company's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he
did something wrong.


Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and
the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to
a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!

Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.


He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a
huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and
a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, Darling!
Love,
Jillian'


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there
is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the
morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Joe asks:

'Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out
of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and
broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got
that black eye when you ran into the door.'


Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything
in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me'


His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.. . Mom dragged you to
the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!'

Broken Coffee Table
$239.99

Hot Breakfast
$4.20


Two Aspirin
$.38


Saying the right thing, at the
right time......priceless!!