Advice needed: Funeral, adversarial Family members present

[mattl]

A relative died the other day. We had been very close for many years but time moves on and we didn't see each other as much but were still quite friendly. This person was very close with some relatives who took me to court and caused 10s of thousands in legal fees and almost put my dad in the hospital. They will be there, we have had no contact since I won the suit 5 or 6 years ago.

Bringing as much of my family with me as possible but it will be very uncomfortable. I owe it to the deceased family to be there, they are very nice people and never took sides in the family dispute. We are just going to the visitation, not the funeral tomorrow.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

 

[toggleswitch2]

Kill them with kindness -- and act the dumb blonde.

Money makes and breaks families.

Perhaps I am a bit naive, but I say, smile, greet everyone with equal (outward) enthusiasm. And do what you are there to do. Memorialize the deceased; send them off in love, pease forgiveness and glory / fond remeberance.

If anyone f----s with you say to yourself (or out loud) "I bless you but I bless you away from me". Sending them any other type of energy can be maliciously manipulated by them and sent back to (hurt) you.

Another mantra is "Any energy you send me I send back to you tenfold!" Rmeber hate and evil only ultimately hurt the do-er/sender.

I am nice even to the ones who have PURPOSELY done me wrong.
In English and that culture "forgive, forget, overlook" . In Greek and that culture: Past (done and over-with andn forgiven) YES! Forgotten NO.

CHIN UP! but not so high up that your nose is in the air! *LOL*

Good luck.

 

[toggleswitch2]

Grudges and pent-up anger lead to diseases; bad ones. Let go as if you took too many laxatives. Getting rid of bad sh-- feels SO GOOD and is so healthy!

 

[mattl]

Goods points --- I'll try to remember that.

If any of that group approach me I'll try to be fairly pleasant and very non-committal.

 

[frigilux]

Matt, I believe Steve has given very good advice. They are probably as concerned about seeing you, as you are them. Given the circumstance (a funeral) be kind and gracious.

It will say a lot about your personal character if people see you as a peace-maker; even to the ones you had the dispute with.

You'll probably never have to see them again, anyway.

Best of luck to you in dealing with an obviously uncomfortable situation.

 

[mattl]

Odds are we will cross paths again, perhaps soon. Sad situation, the guy that died was in his late 60's and his mother just turned 90. She has Alzheimers and has been in a nursing home for almost a decade. She is unaware but still physically pretty well. At some point soon I would guess it will take her too. She was such a vibrant fun woman it's sad that she has to suffer this.

 

[rp2813]

There have been a couple of long term estrangements on my dad's side of the family. Usually the parties don't interact at things like funerals.

You may find that those you are worried about seeing are equally concerned and could do their best to avoid you.

I say wing it and you will do fine. I'm thinking it's unlikely that anyone would want to stir things up given the circumstances.

Ralph

 

[panthera]

Matt,

My brother managed to attack me at a court hearing, threatened to kill me over my mom's bed in recovery after cancer surgery, attacked me twice in the weeks after my parent's horrendous accident in 2005, told the hospital I could not donate a kidney to our father because I 'had aids' (I am HIV -)...

So no, you can't count on them not being total assholes.

My advice: One, take some whopping big family members with you. The kind which will make them think twice before attacking you. If nobody is built like a brick outhouse, get a friend to help. Surely, you know a leather queen or two.

Two, let the funeral director/minister/priest/rabi know in advance. Don't portray them as the center of evil, just let them know that there have been conflicts in the family in the recent past big enough that the courts had to be involved. It helps.

I wish I could say 'just let it go' and 'be sweetness and light'. After what I have been through and still go through with the christianists in my family, my advice is: Be so well prepared that the bastards won't dream of attacking.

I am sorry you have lost a relative, even more sorry that you will soon go through this again.

 

[perc-o-prince]

Matt,

We've had somewhat less volitile happenings at wakes, but very similar.

This is not a time for intimidation, violence, or the assumed threat of violence. If at all possible, pay your respects and leave without confronting anyone. If you're confronted, let the confrontees know that this is not the place for this, you have no intention of a confrontation, and continue leaving. No matter what, remain calm and leave in a very neutral manner. If the funeral home director knows about the possibility of confrontation in advance, all the better.

Best to you in your time of loss,

Chuck

 

[spankomatic]

If anyone f----s with you say to yourself (or out loud) &quo

Or just sneeze on them,cough,and mention bird flu...

 

[mattl]

Well I went...

I'm glad I went, no issues and the family of the deceased really appreciated we came. Took my 93 year old dad and my 84 year old aunt as buffers. I'm 6'4" but not too heavy, and I had arranged for my brother and his wife to join us, he's 6'8' and about 260 lbs. Too bad they didn't get there until we were ready to leave, but I did not expect ANY violence. Just wanted some back up, my brother can be pretty intimidating if needed.

All went smoothly, 2 of the "others" were somewhat friendly and talked to me. When I went up front to talk to the family the rest all came around to say hello to my dad and aunt. I did not exist to most of the rest of that group. I passed the husband of the person who filed the law suit and gave him a slight nod and he looked right past me, that was fine with me.

I find it interesting how they all greeted my dad, when one of them almost put him in the hospital when they tried to expand the law suit to attach his house! A bit hypocritical.

 

[alr2903]

MattL sometimes around family members we all act 12 years old. it's a family thing. In your recent siutation must of brought you a grin or two. Sometimes the Guilt makes em Squirm. arthur

 

[gyrafoam]

Funeral Directors are not referees. They are certainly going to protect the family they are serving especially the LEGAL next of kin and obviously the one(s) paying the bill. There is a strong instinct to protect those being served. An off-duty policeman can be hired as part of a cash advance item if the family wants extra security around the funeral home.

However, keep in mind that once the family has placed a PAID FUNERAL NOTICE (an advertisement)in a PUBLIC venue such as a newspaper, then legally ANYONE is "invited" to the (PUBLIC) affair.

Usually most folks behave themselves and a cold-shoulder is about the worst thing that happens. But I've seen some serious shouting matches, and I can think of one very serious physical fight that broke out during the graveside portion of a service--------between two GRANDMOTHERS! It was a very tawdry incident and I'm sure the family was left scarred for life from it. All I could do was 911 and try to keep them apart until the police arrived.
There were four of us working that service and we all needed a cocktail after that one.

 

[mattl]

i just got back from the funeral, again glad I went. This time on my own. Again a very large group, but all went well. The deceased was a really nice guy, always had a distinctive laugh and full of fun. He will be missed.

Thanks for all your encouragement, it really helped.

 

[peterh770]

1) All that is required is to be polite.
2) Since you won the suit, they probably would ignore you (as it seems they did).

You handled this exactly right.

 

[danemodsandy]

My Solution:

...Would be to get yourself adopted into a family where everyone is kind, loving, and fair-minded.

If you find one, tell 'em I want in too. ;-)

 

[iheartmaytag]

It's hard to say don't worry, but usually people are civil at funerals. They/you are there to honer the departed.

If something starts, walk away.

OT and a Hijack.
I went to a funeral one time where there were two families fueding. They each sat on seperate sides of the room. Suddenly someone says something and the entire family on the right stood up in unison and walked out.

 

[polkanut]

That's cold!

 

[andrewinorlando]

Be pleasant, no reason not to...but take crap from no one....no reason to!! Sometimes you have to have a big pair, be politically incorrect and just say what needs to be said. And there ain't nothin' wrong with that!! Family relationships, like friendships, are optional.