Apologies - Again :-(

[carlstock]

Hi, guys.

I don’t personally like posting messages like this myself, and I know I posted a similar message a few weeks ago, but I am having some extra problems on top of those problems at the moment, and I just want to say that I may come across as somewhat quiet, irritable or upset. Please just bear with me again – thanks.

I was going to say something a few days ago, but I began to feel better – less irritable and upset. This has been caused by several non-contagious and invisible infections that are affecting my main condition, M.E., where the immune system’s over activity affects my nervous system, causing such symptoms as temporary paralysis, short- and long-term memory loss, weak muscles and a general feeling of being upset or angry (again, caused by immune system chemicals called cytokines acting on the brain).

This is not quite the same as my relapse of a few months ago – I am still in there anyway, although it is better – but I do not want to stay away from the computer for a few days because I will just get lonely. I have some other friends with M.E. that I have talked to recently on MSN, so there is no issue with not having anyone to talk to. They experience the same problems, and these problems are documented in good medical literature as being one of the neurological aspects of this condition. I am getting plenty of rest, too, and am not on the computer quite as much, so there is also no issue with resting.

Fortunately, I Do have a clean bill of mental health from doctors, so I fortunately do not have depression, for example, but I honestly do not mean to be like this, and I do not get very irritable that often anywhere.

I just thought I would say something now instead of saying something to you individually as I go along. On MSN, for example, if I go quiet or seem a little ‘off’ (irritable/upset), please do not take it personally. I do take manners and politeness very seriously online, and I do think the best of people, especially my friends here, as I do at home. I am sorry if I cause any offence. I will not ever go online or compose messages, e-mails, etc. here or elsewhere when not in a good mood. When on MSN, I find it easier in many ways, but it requires ad-hoc thinking, so I am liable to get myself into an even greater muddle and get upset if I can’t quite grasp what is going on with conversations. I do not like saying that either because it could give rise to some of you thinking that I cannot be trusted or that, like now, I’m making things worse by maybe worrying too much and giving you headaches! ;-)

Given a week or two, I should be a little better and won’t come across as quite so frosty. I know I may be fine much of the time and quite chatty at the moment, but I’m not quite my usual self at the moment, and I am becoming overly anxious at times, too. I’m sorry. :-( It’s my eczema that is mainly making M.E. flare up at the moment. The two coexist quite happily most of the time, but not at the moment! hehe

The link below is quite useful, and the first few sentences just about cover it all actually. I don’t think I’ve posted an M.E. link before, but even if you read the first couple of sentences or so, that would be great – thanks. I know those of you who know me best already listen to me about it anyway, but it may be better reading it elsewhere than from me! hehe ;-)

I know many of you have been taking the time to listen to me over nearly a week now, and I am really grateful – thank you.

Thanks very much for reading, and I hope not to have to write many of these messages for much longer with these ups and downs.

Take care.

Regards,

Carl

http://www.meresearch.org.uk/information/whatisme.html

 

[aquarius1984]

Carl buddy why apologise? We love you as we are. We all appreciate your condition and know what it does to you. If any1 here takes anything wrong off you well just sod em! Your friends who know what ya mean know not to take it wrong. YOU BE YOU mate ! Sod the rest *returns the hug you sent me before my job interview earlier*

 

[aquarius1984]

Carl buddy why apologise? We love you as we are. We all appreciate your condition and know what it does to you. If any1 here takes anything wrong off you well just sod em! Your friends who know what ya mean know not to take it wrong. YOU BE YOU mate ! Sod the rest *returns the hug you sent me before my job interview earlier*

 

[seamusuk]

Carl......

NEVER think you have to apologise to myself, Rob or anyone else! we know about you and the M.E and how it can affect you. You are a great person and im lucky to be able to count ya as a friend

Seamus

 

[carlstock]

Thank You



Thanks, guys.

No-one’s upset me here, but I’ve just been what I would call rather irritable/oversensitive with family and some online, including AW.org members, and I’ve had to effectively bite my tongue at times for no good reason, but I’ve been telling the truth all the time about how I feel – I’m not hiding how I feel.

I very rarely get irritable with anyone, and I certainly wouldn’t with friends like you lot online, and I know you have said nice things about me, but I feel ashamed, as childish as that may seem. :-( I’ve been snappy with some members here who are my friends, I must admit, and I feel ashamed. :-( I’ve been snappy at friends here who’ve said and done nothing wrong whatsoever simply because I couldn’t read everything they said. :-(

I was starting to improve a few days ago, but I developed another infection, so I’m back to square one again. I hate all this talk – I’d rather get on. However, if I don’t say something, I will feel even worse if I have a go at someone. :-(

I’ve been getting snappy at home, too, and I can take it what family are saying to me much of the time at the moment. That is a problem there and on the computer anyway, but it’s much worse – I haven’t really taken anything in at home or on the computer for nearly a week now. I’m also getting terribly muddled and forgetful, misunderstanding what family are saying to me, and then I’m getting snappy with them.. I do apologise straight away, and I get hugs from Mum and a little laugh from my Dad and sister – a bit of humour!

To anyone I’ve upset or misunderstood here, I’m really sorry again. :-( I just can’t remember what was said in full, which I find embarrassing, too. I know I said nothing dreadful or rude and neither did anyone else to me, but I am so frustrated that I cannot think hard and fast enough to think clearly – it’s horrible. Another term for this is cognitive dysfunction on a neurological level, which many with ME rate as the *worst* symptom, not the fatigue that is obvious to many from the outside. It’s devastating at times, and it’s really ripping me up at the moment and upsetting me – I just want a break from it. :-(

I’m quite happy – nothing is worrying me otherwise – and I am coping quite well in writing these messages, but I’ve lost the ability to really be myself at the moment, and it’s the side of my illness that I don’t get to see very often. It’s not depression, thankfully, but I hate this because other things are going on at the moment, too, like my eyes watering terribly (not hay fever), pain in my face and pains in my legs, along with the paralysis. I got into bed the other day, started crying about how I’d behaved and then calmed down. Straight after that, I became paralysed, and I started crying again. Once that happened, I thought it might settle down, which it did, but it started up again a day or so later, and it’s wearing me down.

No-one has hurt me here, and I love you all to bits, particularly those I’ve been snappy with and those who put up with me and listen to me.. xx *hugs*

Now I must end this, really, because I’ve said enough.

I’ll be OK soon. I’m like a front-loader that is stuck in distribution and just can’t spin! ;-) Your messages do really help. I get plenty of help at home, but it often hits harder when someone from outside the home says something. I’m lacking a fully functioning brain at the moment (hehe), so please do beat with me – I never mean any harm.

Normal service will resume shortly – please stand by! ;-)

Thanks for reading and listening.

Take care.

Regards,

Carl

 

[carlstock]

I meant to say above that I *can’t* talk in much of what family are saying to me at the moment.

Sorry!

Carl

 

[carlstock]

Another correction: I meant I *can’t take in* much of what my family are saying at the moment.

I’ll get it right in the end! hehe

Carl

 

[mattywashboy]

you know you don't have to apologize for anything to me, your you, and we like you for you so don't worry about anything.
Got your letter today to i will read it properly later but thanx for sending it! '
talk on msn soon mate.
matt

 

[mattywashboy]

here, have a sunset
*taken yesterday evening, storm clouds were heading in so it looked kinda nice.

 

[carlstock]

Hi, Matt.

Thanks for replying.

To Matt:

I know I’ve spoken to you already, but I will reply here and let this thread work its way down and out. hehe And what a lovely photo – thank you. I have taken a photo of some dark clouds here, but they amounted to nothing in terms of stormy weather! LOL ;-)

To everyone:

I am always me, but I simply find it really difficult to *be me* when I have infections and they affect my mood and abilities like this. :-( I had somehow got it into my mind that I should simply be quiet when my moods change in these circumstances, but I also forget that I am still upset and would need people to talk to, which I’ve done this time. I guess, as with many things in life, despite thinking I’ve been through most things with this condition, there are obviously more things to learn. After all this, I am sure I’ll do things somewhat better if this happens again.

If you saw me in person or chatted via telephone, you might find I am far more relaxed! Go on, Rob (aquarius1984) – tell ’em! hehe When on form, you can’t stop me from talking, can you, Rob?! ;-) hehe Jon and Seamus are next in line for phone calls from me – muhahaha! LOL ;-) (Don’t worry – I won’t call you unannounced. )

I am still somewhat stressed at home with these infections, and I can’t call or see anyone as I am at the moment, but I am more relaxed on the phone, but it is far more difficult to make and receive calls and to have visitors. Online communications, such as instant messaging, are fantastic. However, it can be difficult for me to ‘read’ and take everything in, even though I trust everyone here – my memory lets me down as I go along, which is always a problem.

After my time as a high school teaching assistant, I am the sort of person who prefers to communicate face-to-face, but I cannot these days due to my health, so online it is. Despite that, online communications provide fantastic opportunities for any of us to chat to others in such fun ways and where otherwise any communication might be impossible. I also know and many of you have said I come across fine online, and I am pretty relaxed online, and it is the only way to have regular contact without causing any problems with my health. If I were to use the telephone only, none of you wouldn’t hear from me for months on end! LOL (What do you mean “Good!”?! ;-))

I think the best thing, however, is that you all give me the chance to join in with your lives’ activities and to find out what you get up to. Not everyone in my situation or similar ones get that chance, and I am very grateful – thank you. The only way I can reciprocate, really, is by detailing what I know and using humour.

I am feeling a little better, but I am being very carious because improvements came a few days ago but then fell away. I am positive, however, and I will do my best to get better. .

Thanks for reading and taking all of this in.

Regards,

Carl