Holiday Togetherness

[toggleswitch2]

~She had told me all about her demise and made me promise not to tell a soul or she'd never talk to me again.

Chuck from what I can surmise, you have been dealt a handful. If I read your post correctly and your mom informed you of her impending suicide, I can only guess it was to PREVENT you from thinking it was your fault. But that is a terrible postion in which to put one's child.

In my opinion, you will never be able to celebrate Christmas and the New Year. Anyone who insists you can/do is a huge fool. I hope that your mom chose that day in the climax of her desperation and did not choose it pre-meditatively to screw-up everyone's holiday.

Chuck, now hear this: based on your body/brain chemisty and all you hve been put through by your family and relatives, I'd say you are coping rather well.

I send you light, love, peace and blessings and only ask in return that you forgive yourself and love yourself. G-d don't make junk. [But some men do have rather nice junk!]. You have friends in oh so many of us here in the club. You are not alone; and if this venue is theraputive for you, so be it.

My brand of "voo-doo" (religion) is interpreted to read that all things (but suicide) are forgiven. To me, even that is forgiven, but you get "punished" by having to come back to life again in another body to work out spiritiual issues.

Chuck, never give up. Life is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. I do beleive in the "final judgment" that we are only asked to make the best of what we are given and the obstacles the universe gives us. From following your posts, I see you have moved mountains to get where you are today, and have more inner resolve and strength than any other five average people. Try reading "A Course In Miracles" printed by "Foundation for Inner Peace", it is said to be the message of Jeebus, channeled by his spirit through others. It is not an easy read, but is said to be quite an eye-opener.

PEACE OUT!

Keep on truckin' baby!

 

[panthera]

Chuck,

What Toggles said, 100%.

As dysfunctional as our group can be at times, you're a part of us. Hmm, that was meant to cheer you up. You know what I mean.
Firm hugs from ice-cold Munich!

 

[iheartmaytag]

Laundromat

You are a good example of "when you think things are bad, there is always someone worse off."
I think my dysfunctional family is bad, and then it takes a story like yours to remind me that my life isn't so bad.

I am so sorry for what you have been through, and hope that spaced out drunken family member is the worse I ever have at the holidays.

 

[charbee]

Laundromat, I understand what carrying the guilt for the death of a parent can feel like. My mom didn't take her own life, but died suddenly two days before Xmas, after calling and begging me in tears to come home for Xmas. I was in another state, struggling desperately to keep a small café I had opened earlier that year alive. It was the first year I would not be "home for xmas" and the situation with the restaurant was critical (partners had abandoned me, and I was doing everything by myself, waiting/cooking/busing/cleanup/everything...10 tables), so I couldn't close it down and leave for the "holidays", or else I wouldn't have been able to keep the thing going.

She called me on Dec.22, begging me to come home, and died the next morning. I carried the guilt from that for many, many years...I felt like I had "killed her" by telling her that I couldn't come home. I spent years beating myself up and telling myself that it was all my fault and that I should kill myself to make up for it...that coupled with the fact that I could in no way stop my dad from marrying her "best friend" that she had also called to beg me to prevent him from doing, I was pretty much emotionally crippled for a long time after. It was only after my sweetie and I got together that I began to heal from the whole thing.

Please know that all the guilt and blame that you've felt don't belong on your head. You have the right to hand those things back to the person to whom they belong, and not carry them around anymore. I actually was able to find some healing after visualizing my Momma (who I miss terribly, too) in front of me and gently, but firmly telling her that it wasn't my fault she died, and it wasn't my fault that dad married that woman, and that I couldn't carry these burdens any longer, and that I was giving them back to her. It took many years to get to that place, and a good therapist to help me see things in a different way.

My heart still hurts every time I think of my mom, but I have found ways to honor her memory and be more at peace with it all...one of those is to make the Thanksgiving dinner just the way she used to, for just me and my sweetie. It's been many years since all this happened, but I can finally make that turkey and dressing with some peace in my heart. I still, however, can't deal with Xmas in any way, shape or form. And certainly can't go to my dad's house to see "that woman" in Momma's place.

I hope that you can find some ways to be at peace with your pain and not blame yourself. Please be good to YOU. Know that you are loved.

 

[laundromat]

My own joy

Is that at first,when I was a child and used watching the many washing machines work whether it be at a neighbor's or relative's house or at the many laundromats and appliance stores I visited to keep my mind occupied on their many different ways of washing clothes,it helped me to forget all about the mental and physical abuse I was getting from my own father and older sister and brother. The beatings and fphysical/sexual abuse was rampid and I finaly ran away after Mom died.the folks I met on my way to SanFrancisco and their love and care for me was unremarkable.I learned about respecting and loving myself before being able to share that with anyone else.I was fortunate to return after a 6 year successful run away and came to my home town,Baltimore and went back to school. Social Security Survivor's insurance I was receiving from Mom's illness had been witheld because I was a missing person and my Dad was furious that my money was being held back because of my dissapearance. It was given to me after I had regestered myself back with the FBI but my age was 18 and they could not prosecute me.They recomended I go back to school to take advantage of the servivor's insurance so,I did and gradfuated 5th in my class having straight 'A'sand no lateness or sick days.The last week in senior class because of the excitement of finishing my finals,being awarded pendants fron gym(I was on the A swimming team and we won the state championship)and two awards from art class ( I through pottery and had 3 pieces that won awards for style and design)along with a 2 year scholarship at the Maryland Inststute Colledge of Art.I bought a house for $5000 with my partner at the time and restored it to its original design.I was cured of epilepsy,a desease that had me very limited on my abilities,via experimental surgery (left temporolobectomy) in 1989 and have been 100% sezure free ever since. In fact,the day I was admitted,was April 16th,1989 the very day that lucille Ball died!So, not only me but the entire world was mourning her death.The first surgery took 4 hours and the second took 6.I only wish that Mom had been here to see and celibrate with me the joy of being such a great student not allowing the sezures to keep me down and my successful surgery.

 

[laundromat]

I sometimes think too fast. What I was trying to say about the fginals was that the excitement was so overwhelming that I had a grand maul sezure and fell on my face onto a concrete floor. One of my fellow classmates gave me mouth to mouth resuscitation and saved my life!

 

[jamman_98]

Different take

Being Gay with my family was not an issue so no drama to report. However, I find myself with no family anymore. My brother does not talk to me mainly because he knows that after he took all of my Dad's estate (money and house) and made sure I got nothing, he refuses to talk to me. So no more family just my new partner and I this past Thanksgiving. I have not quite felt a part of his family and not sure I ever will, but they are nice people and are polite to me. It's all I can ask now.

Joe
jamman_98

 

[laundromat]

I know how that is,Joe.My Dad and I were never close because of my expensive illness and affeminate characteristics.So,I never expected any tipe of inheritance but,I never thought I would be shunned by my brother not allowing me to ride in the Limmo on the way to the gravesite. I'm a junior and at least deserved to ride along with my own father.He had my stepbrother,Michael who not only is of no blood relation but his mother had devorced my father twenty years ago.He and his wife got to ride in the limmo along with their three kids instead of me.I wanted to just leave and fly home knowing then as well as at the wake that I was never welcomed there to begin with.How in the hell our trates are far ,far different than our own brothers' and sisters' is beyond any of my own comprehention. We're nothing alike.They have never been more than 100 miles away from home.My brother did the same thing to his son my Dad did to me.He dissowned him as a teenager.Michael,my nephew I only saw once,was born as a heroin adict because my brother's girlfriend was one.THAT WAS NOT THE KID'S FAULT!!!My brother refused to get him any treatment just like my dad refused to let me go to a special school for exceptional children.At the age of 4,I had a 7th grade vocabulary level and was reading books like the encyclopedia.I'd open magazines and read the advertisements of appliances and detergents.Mr.Petrick tried to explain to my Dad that I had a higher vocabulary and should go to a school where they tought "exceptional" children but my Dad assumed Mr.Petrick was gay and asked him to leave.I'd see him on ocasion at the bars and he'd talk to me about how sorry he was about my Dad's reaction to him and he never attempted to give any bad vibes.He remembered hearing from my psychologyst regarding the horrific beatings I was getting and always asked Dr.Inga Renner about me.Some of his students,like myself, had to go to her because of the different medications we were taking that had some behavioral issues as side effects.Mine were mild but some of the others would get so vilent they'd wind up punching or hurting themselves.