How about another Joke thread

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knitwits1975

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A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was,

"Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard;

C) the cuckoo; (D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well.....blonde.

She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct!!

You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
 
Married men reveal that they perform the followng act twice as often as single men.
~Change their underwear.

What food diminshes a woman's sex drive?
~Wedding cake.

As of next week Viagra will only be available from the drug-store(chemist) by its chemical name. Please ask for mycoxafloppin.

Confusious say:
War doesn't determine who is right. War detrmine who is left.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for the money.
Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who fight with wife get no piece at night.
Crowded elevator (lift) smell different to midget.

My grandfater was a lucky man. He died in his sleep. Unfortunatley the passengers in his car were not so lucky, and died screaming and yelling..........
 
Jokes from my real-life.
1. My now ex-wife and I attending her cousin's wedding.
Wife: Oh, sniff, sniff, I always cry at weddings.
Me: Why? All marriages don't have to turn out like ours.
We divorced a year later.
2. My mom and me at my alcoholic Uncle's funeral viewing the body:
Mom: He looks so natural.
Me: Really? You should have seen him a week ago.
I was twelve, my mom slapped me.
3. Bridesmaids I overheard at my wedding:
Bridesmaid 1: Sigh! The bride is all aglow.
Bridesmaid 2: Well of course she is, you idiot, they had to tank her up to marry a creep like that!
 
Clean Joke-
Why do blondes smile during thunderstorms? They think they are getting their picture taken.

Dirty joke-
Who has a better deal-a hooker or a drug dealer? The hooker does because the drug dealer can only sell his crack once but the hooker can wash her crack out and sell it again and again!
 
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. PHIL

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first

deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the

problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize

how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding

"NEW" problems.

OPRAH

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to

cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes

and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so

that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of

the chickens!


GEORGE W BUSH


We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if

the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against

us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL


Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the

chicken crossing the road.


ANDERSON COOPER/CNN


We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed

to have access to the other side of the road.


NANCY GRACE


That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes

and the way he walks.



JOHN KERRY


Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was

the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am

for it now, and will remain against it.


PAT BUCHANAN


To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART


No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing

order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain

level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS


Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken

crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY


To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL


Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of

your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it

the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that

chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort

out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless

phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the

road. It's as plain and simple as that!


GRANDPA


In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the

chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS


Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken

tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a

serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of

crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON


Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.


ARISTOTLE


It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


BILL GATES


I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only Cross roads, but will lay

eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet

explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and

will never cra...#@&&^( C ..... reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN


Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON


I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE


I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS


Did I miss one? (Only the Chernoble Chickens with the eight wings and no breasts get cooked by KFC, so don't worry about it Colonel)
 
A Redneck Joke

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
 
The other day, I had to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I went to the Army-Navy store, and bought some OD pants and a shirt.
Then I sewed a couple of patches on which I grabbed from the internet..

It was amazing how many people left as I walked in.
I guess they suddenly decided they weren't that sick after all..

Here is the patch that you can sew on your clothing if you are in need of quicker emergency service.
 
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such a wonderful married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each one wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

"The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is
a wish... So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
 
A few years ago,there was a reunion of WW2 fighter pilots. The guest speaker was Major Olaf Svennsson,famed fighter ace of the Swedish Air Force.After being introduced,the Major begins his story.

"I vas over da nort coast,flying alone,ven I vas jumped by 5 German Fokkers.3 Fokkers vere on my left,and 2 Fokkers vere on my right."
The MC interrupt "Folks,we mean no disrespect to anyone.What the major describes is a German aircraft,of WW2" He sits back down.
The Major continues. "I thought I vas a goner! Being alone,and attacked by 5 Fokkers! But I vas able to do a roll vith a half tvist,and get behind two of them.I quickly shot down two of the Fokkers,and damaged a third"
Once again the MC interrupts". Again,we mean no disrespect to anyone,but he's talking about a German aircraft". He sits back down.
The Major,now thouroughly annoyed ,looks at the audience,and says" "But these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"
 
Q.How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A.Out of a catalog
Q.Did you hear that Rosie O'donnel just drowned??????
A.Yea,they found her face down on Rickey Lake!!!
Q.What's the difference between a Frigidaire refrigerator and a gay man?
A.Frigidaire refrigerators don't fart when you pull out the meat!
Q.What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A.The taste!
 
As told last night by Jay leno

As you all have heard, Former Enron Chairman Ken Lay passed away last week. The cause of death was listed as KARMA!
 
How many Branch Dividians can you fit in a Volkswagon Beatle?
Two in the front,two in the back and the rest in the ash tray!

Did you hear what happened to Speed Queen?
Kelvinator!

How did Helen Keller's parents punnish her?
They left the plunger in the toilet!

What's an innuendo?
An Italian suppository.

What did Grace Kelly have that Natilie wood could have used???
A good stroke!

What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

What happened to the Pope when he went to mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!!!!!!!!!
 

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