i am stuck between right and wrong

[fredfred9633]

my friend is doing things that could ruin the rest of her life
at school.
i want to tell the school security but i am afriad of loosing her her friendship. if i tell she could be expelled!!!!
I NEED HELP!!!!

 

[spankomatic]

What is she doing?

 

[fredfred9633]

well we are in middle school
so middle school stuff.........(pot,alcohol,all that stuff)

 

[maytagbear]

Those things

can be dangerous, even deadly.

Tell. Yes, it would be sad if she broke the friendship, it would be sadder if she injured herself severely or died.

Is there a teacher the both of you have?

Good luck,

Lawrence/Maytagbear

 

[rapunzel]

I think you should talk to your friend first and get her side of the story, before running to the authorities. Most kids experiment with substances and the vast majority come out okay and a little wiser. What you need to do is decide if there is strong evidence that your friend is on a slippery slope and needs a good and steadfast friend to stop her from going into self-destruct mode. Though, be careful that you don't get dragged into something that you may not be able to handle. Be aware of the company that your friend keeps. Is she experimenting with drugs in a peer group setting or does she hang around hardened drug addicts and dealers (criminals).

Maybe giving her information about the pros and cons of drugs and alcohol might be a better way to deal with it. Teenagers and adults will do this kind of stuff for many different reasons and running to the authorities may actually have exactly the opposite effect to what you are trying to achieve. Consider that the consequences of such a move may actually exacerbate her drug and alcohol use.

Accurate information and education are the best weapons to stop young people from doing silly things. Young kids aren't stupid, but often unaware and too naive to know better.

America's approach to illicit drug use has been a consistent failure. Evidence shows that countries that have opted to keep morality and the criminal justice system out of the picture, through replacing punishment with information, education and rehabilitation, have actually managed to contain the damage, that drugs and alcohol cause, in a much broader and effective way.

In most cases drug and alcohol use are symptomatic of other problems, which is another aspect that is largely ignored in America's (and Australia's) approach to drug and alcohol abuse.

You really need to judge very carefully how much danger your friend is in and how much danger you may be putting yourself in by trying to help her. If she is absolutely, knowingly and intentionally doing the wrong thing by herself and, ultimately everyone around her, you may want to talk to her parents first. Although, they may be part of the problem, if there is one. If it means that sacrificing your friendship will save her life, so be it. If she comes out on top, she'll eventually realize that you've been a good friend. If not, you are better off to find yourself another.

I hope this helps you a little.

rapunzel

 

[rapunzel]

Talk to your friend

openly and in a non-judgemental way.

Ask her why she is experimenting with drugs. Is she doing it to have a little fun or does she want to wipe herself out and if so, why? Is she only smoking pot or doing other stuff as well. Does she know where her drugs come from and how clean/pure they are? Is she aware that pot can and is often laced with other substances that can amplify or change the effects and physical reactions she may experience. Does she know that other types of drugs are often cut with toxic substances that can cause long-term damage and make her very sick.

When she takes drugs or drinks, is she aware of her own safety and does she ever think about the risks as well as risk minimization strategies that she can implement to keep herself relatively safe? Would she or can she rely on her friends to call 911 if ever she has a bad reaction to something that she has taken? Has she ever thought about the implications for herself and her family should that ever happen?

Even better, if you go out with her, video her at her worst and show it to her when she is sober.

Cheers

Rapunzel

 

[MrX]

If you don't feel comfortable approaching staff at your school about the issue, you might be best to go talk to a local social worker or one of the many organisations that offer drugs and alcohol counselling advice to teens.
I would suggest however, that you avoid very right-wing organisations or those with strongly religious affiliations. Some of these, while well meaning, can end up doing more harm than good.

Alcoholics Anonymous might be a good place to start for sensible non-judgemental advice about substance abuse.

You can reach them at www.aa.org

You could also try calling a public health / social work centre and seeing if you can get some advice for your friend.

Your school counsellor might be able to offer advice too without necessarily evoking some kind of disciplinary reaction. Remember, your school will want to help someone rather than to expel or create further problems. Schools generally want to ensure that their students do well and avoid problems during their education.

I would suggest that you approach them and just explain that you are concerned about a particular student. You wouldn't have to name the person and it could mean that perhaps they might be able to provide advice / intervene gently.

Have a problem with alcohol? There is a solution. | Alcoholics Anonymous

Have a problem with alcohol? There is a solution. A.A. has a simple program that works. It’s based on one alcoholic helping another.

www.aa.org

 

[alr2903]

Fred you need to come clean with YOUR Parents about this, I don't think its your place to take it any further than that, If your in Middle School it seems unfair to give you further advice for YOU to solve the problem. Not a counselor, not a teacher, YOUR Parents need to be advised about this NOW, for your safety and anyone else involved.

 

[jeffg]

The fact is, unless this girl is trying to sell drugs to you, or is harrassing you etc, what she does with her life is none of your business. For all you know her parents may be physically abusing her, and her getting in trouble at school (or maybe even suspended or expelled) will make a bad problem much worse.

If you believe she is going to injure herself, either talk to her and try to start a working friendship, or speak with a counselor at your school. Again, the problem is between this girl, her family and her school. You have nothing to do with it.

 

[Unimatic1140]

The fact is, unless this girl is trying to sell drugs to you, or is harrassing you etc, what she does with her life is none of your business.

I couldn't agree more with that statement. I would talk to your friend, but getting her in trouble with the school is probably only going to make matters worse.

 

[panthera]

Jeff,

I have to disagree with you on this one. I know, it is one of the most classic fault lines in our liberal side of the spectrum.
As a student, I worked as a help-line counselor at the university's drug/suicide center (today we would call it something totally PC like 'call desk for the reality/living challenged.)
The worst cases, the ones where people inflicted severe harm on themselves and others through drug abuse were almost always children. There is a big difference between saying that what an adult does is their own business and intervening to rescue a child.
Teenagers are not unwrinkled adults with weird hair and bad music. Mentally, they are not yet capable of understanding the consequences of their actions.
Unfortunately, many states (Colorado, Wyoming to name two) require all social workers, police, EMTs, teachers, counselors, etc. to report substance abuse...and judges are forced to apply draconian penalties. It is a nightmare for a kid caught in such a situation.
Zero-tolerance has failed miserably, thanks ever so much, republicans.

 

[toggleswitch2]

~Unfortunately, many states (Colorado, Wyoming to name two) require all social workers, police, EMTs, teachers, counselors, etc. to report substance abuse...and judges are forced to apply draconian penalties. It is a nightmare for a kid caught in such a situation.

All the more reason to SHUT UP and let her be. ALL KIDS MAKE MISTAKES. It's called learning. Don't be the one to start an irreversible pattern of descent in this girl's life.

The beautiful thing about destiny/life/justice is that one does not have to lift a finger. The universe will dole out exaclty what she needs/deserves.

Be happy YOU know better and remember: One can't rescue the world from themselves, and from defective ways of thinking.

SIDE NOTE: There may be a GENETIC predispostion to crave booze and or drugs. This mission I'd say is FAR too large for you, or any ONE person. Leave it to the professionals, please.

Would YOU like it if you did something against someone else's morality and they ruined YOUR life?



Have mercy as you yourself would like to receive mercy.

 

[danemodsandy]

Fred:

You have the right to tell this person, one-on-one, in private, that you are worried about her. That's what friends do for friends. If you decide to have that conversation, don't get into a whole lot of "you're ruining your life, breaking the law, you need help", etc. Just a simple statement that you're worried, and would like to be there for her when she's up for doing stuff that doesn't involve drugs, booze, etc. You can invite her to things like that from time to time, as well.

Outing her to school authorities could really, really backfire on you. I double-dog promise you that it will somehow come out that you were the one who told on her, and your life will become a living hell. Depending on how strong the drug culture is in your school, you could actually be in for some physical danger - it wouldn't be the first time a "snitch" got a beating to "teach 'em a lesson." I know your school probably has an informant programme, and that they say everything is confidential, but there's the way things are supposed to work, and then there's the way they really work. Don't risk it. Drugs are Big Money, and by informing, you could be interfering with someone's profits. That is dangerous. This is real life, not a movie, where everything turns out okay.

If I were you, I wouldn't make a big thing out of AA or treatment stuff right now. As others have pointed out, a lot of experimentation goes on at your age. Most people come through it okay, more or less. If she needs intervention, it will become clear to her family, who are the proper people to do it.

Just be there for her on her good days, and hope for the best. Preaching to her will turn her against you, and she'll probably tell her other friends that you aren't "cool", which will cause you problems. Go your own way, and invite her along for the ride, but if she doesn't accept, then you have to find other friends. No recovering addict or alcoholic ever got truly sober and well because of other people's concern, intervention, or efforts. They get well because they come to believe that things have gotten so bad that they have no choice but to accept that they're powerless over their drug of choice, and that their lives have become unmanageable.

Best of luck to you, and to your friend. Being your age isn't nearly as easy as it was when I was there.

 

[danemodsandy]

Just to Be Clear:

Fred:

I just realised I said something confusing in my previous post. I said that the family are the ones who should do intervention, and then I said that intervention doesn't get anyone truly well or sober.

Intervention, by itself, does not get people well and sober, as I said. The person has to be ready for the intervention to work. If they're not ready, you can stick the person in treatment and they will come out of it clean, but the rehab won't last long - they'll usually be back to using in pretty short order.

If an intervention is well-judged and well-managed by a concerned family and an addiction specialist, and the person is ready for it, then intervention can have spectacular results. Think Betty Ford. Think Mary Tyler Moore (yep!). It's the readiness that makes all the difference.

People have to find their own way on this issue, I'm afraid.

 

[jeffg]

Keven, I have to stand by my advice. The first and proper line of defense for minors who have drug, pregnancy or other problems is their parents.

Fred claims, "I want to tell the school security but I am afraid of losing her friendship."

Fred has zilch to do with this girl's problems. Ditto for "school security". If he forces himself upon the issue by reporting her to the school, not only is he setting himself up for lots of grief, he's possibly putting *her* at risks he may have no clue about.

 

[andrewinorlando]

Fred, as hard as it is to realize this, it is none of your business what she does. That does not stop you from talking to her about it. But under no circumstances should you involve any authority figure unless she does something extreme and there is no choice. It can put her in a horrendous situation and she is too young to have to go through this for what may be nothing more than teenage curiosity or rebellion.

If you need help dealing with this, talk to your parents, if you can. If you think she really needs help, maybe they or you can talk to her parents, but expect that it may put an end to your friendship with this girl.

 

[panthera]

Jeff,

I certainly respect your point of view. My experience, both as a counselor and as a teacher has taught me another perspective. After 26 years of teaching, I firmly advocate the death penalty for drug dealers.
And not the swift, gentle hanging kind.

 

[drhardee]

As a (recently former) Middle school teacher of 15 years' experience, may I chime in?

Kids in their "tween"/early teen years have a predilection for experimentation and "testing the limits", whether those limits are parental/school authority limits, or the limits of what their own bodies can "tolerate" ie. "how much fun can I have 'til I puke or pass out in a pool of my own vomit?".

Unfortunately, many young people at this age can use the "Oh, I'm invincible 'cause I'm young, healthy and strong and nothing will ever happen to me" line of thinking to experiment with drugs, alcohol and dangerous sexual practices (unsafe or no "protection").

Part of this CAN manifest itself in using "gateway" drugs to stairstep upwards to even more potent and potentially lethal or addictive substances. This CAN (certainly not always) lead to a pattern of addiction potentially causing irreperable harm to not only ones' own body and mind, but also ones' educational experience and future life and career possibilities. Glide through middle school and high school half stoned and see where you land in the pool of potential college/university applicants or job applicants.

Who wants a pothead or a drunk working behind their cash register or with construction equipment with the liability therein? I'm not talking about the "weekend user", or casual drinker...I'm talking about the young adult whose drug and alcohol preferences were shaped by their middle school years where no-one stopped (because it's NOYB) to help them (LISTEN TO THEM) or to get them into counseling, or slap them upside the head if that's what was needed?

I'm sorry to disagree with the majority of sentiment in this posting, but I've seen way too many stoned and drunk 8th and 9th graders slip through life's cracks later because no-one thought it was anyones' business to pay attention to a friend/acquaintenance obviously in crisis and using drugs or alcohol to numb pain.

I have seen anonymous letters slipped under guidance counselor's doors, kids have come to me in confidence, and I've passed on alerts to the guidance counselor in that same confidence.

Someone needs to listen to this young girl....'cause something's wrong in her life. We are not hard-wired to "party" with drugs and alcohol at that age.

In my current capacity as a funeral director...well, I won't go into the numbers of mangled young corpses who have passed by my face with the representative wasted life potential and anguished parents and tearful friends who say at his/her funeral "Oh, if only I had: listened, helped, told someone, PAID ATTENTION to him or her, I wouldn't be standing here in front of a casket of a 12,13,14,15,16 year old friend who had so much more to experience." Parents should never have to bury children.

This MAY/probably/possibly not be the case at all in this instance, but it's damn sure certainly something to think about.

Think about what your "business" is, indeed.
<exit stage left>

 

[laundromat]

I am not condoning it but
When I was in school( and as an adult )I experimented with many drugs.Pot,hash,opium,L.S.D.(pure non adulterated),cocaine,inhaling aerosol spray cans,extacy and poppers.The three worst ones were poppers,extacy and cocaine.

I quit them all "cold turkey"along with cigaretts.I have smoked pot on ocaision but haven't realy missed not geing high anymore.

Any of my close friends will tell you I was "queen of the dance floor"I would have at least 5 joinys with me and three full bottles of "Quick Silver"(poppers). I would share with all who knew me and were also popper induceable on the dance floor as well as other errotic places.Yes,I felt invinceable but,believe me,I am paying the price for it now.Had I utilised that time for more important ventures, who knows? I could have become an engineer or designer of new washing machines.I can't dwell on it thow.It's all "water under the bridge"and can never be changed.I know for a fact that had I not quit,I'd be dead today.If not from an overdose,suicide was one of my other (forunately failed) attempts that would have ended my life.