Irreconcilable Differences

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After Awhile

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal.

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your hope on today as the future has a way of falling apart mid flight, because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans, yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brighter dawn.

And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your garden and nourish your soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that love, true love, always has joys and sorrows, seems ever present, yet is never quite the same, becoming more than love and less than love, so difficult to define.

And you learn that through it all you really can endure, that you really can be strong, that you do have value and you learn and grow with every goodbye, you learn.

Kelly
 
That poem- usually called *Comes The Dawn,*

Is variously attributed to either Joy Whitman or Veronica Shoffstall, and has been a favourite of mine since I first read it sometime in the 1980s.

Thanks for posting it, Kelly.

Lawrence/Maytagbear
 
Deep Breath

You take me to places where I can feel the gentle breeze and the evening sun warms my soul.
Kelly
 
Ron I have never met you either but please know that we are all here for you! Having never been in a relationship before there is no way that I can relate to the pain and hurt that you are going through. I hope that all others have already said will help. I too firmly believe that when one door in our live closes another opens. I feel as if my life really began five years ago this August when I went to Robert's convention in Minneapolis. This was a giant step for me. Really knowing no one in this group at that I time. Upon arriving I felt instantly at home, just where I belonged. These have truly been the best five years of my life and I have all of you out there to thank for that. Ron we are here for you and if there is anything personally that I can do for you please let me know. Big warm hugs, Terry
 
Ron,
I am so sorry for your loss, I feel for you. I cannot really add to what has been said already in this thread, it's just something that you have to work through. When you feel confident enough to meet new people, I can say that new doors WILL open for you.

I have learned in my life that if something doesn't work out, there is a reason and I usually don't question why.
I left a relationship after 7 years and moved to another state
for fear of my life. Best thing I ever done. Alcoholism destroys relationships, when my ex drank it was BAD. And it kept getting worse and I had enough. You can't change people either. Oh well, enough of me. You concentrate on your self.

YOU WILL MAKE IT AND YOU WILL COME OUT STRONGER IN THE END.
"Iron must go through fire before it becomes STEEL."

My thoughts are with you.
Barry
 
I agree with Mark - you subconsciously know if something isn't right. In hindsight, every sign was there and I ignored them all. Now I can honestly say that I did love my ex, unfortunately, more than I loved myself and that is a mistake I will never make again.

Let time take its course with you and someday the raw hurt will fade. Five years later, I can now even recall some of the better times and not feel as if there is a knife in my chest. Does it ever go away completely? No...but that is life - some things you never really get over. You just put them in their rightful place and work with them. And sometimes, usually when you least expect it, you fall into a pothole. It's all part of the human experience.

I must admit though, that I still have never been able to go back to Fort Lauderdale. Silly, I know, but it is what it is, I guess.....
 
Anthony,

maybe not so silly. I have never had a partner who threatened me - thank goodness. You did. If your gut feeling is Ft. lauderdale is dangerous, then go with it.
Friend of mine just missed being poisoned by his mentally-ill ex several years ago. When she got out of the loony bin (pardona mea, I mean the psychiatric facility for the reality challenged) she got a job working at the fast-food joint 'round the corner from his office.
Sure 'nough, within 6 months she got the chance to get him. This time he barely pulled through...and she is back in the, er, facility.
At least this time the court ordered he must be notified before she is released...not typical for Germany.
The weird thing of it is, he usually wouldn't eat there, cause he just felt "funny" about it - but on that day his staff told him not to be silly......
 
Its Always Something

I married at 18. I wanted desperately to be loved. It was a freak show disaster. Three years later, when I divorced, I expected to be relieved. I was lonely. Even though the marriage was unpleasant, it was something. After the divorce, I had nothing.
I am surprised that even a hurtful relationship can hurt more when it ends.
It took 55 years and learning love was in me and not in another person. I know the joy of being loved, all the way to the bone. I have no way of knowing how long it will last, but I am overjoyed to experience it. I would never have known how wonderful love is if I didn't also know how painful it can be.
All of us have the Ruby Slippers. When you are ready, love will come to you, when you believe in the Ruby Slippers.
Until then, accept that I know, this isn't easy.
Kelly
 
Kelly,

You are always so wise. Me, I learn a bit here a bit there - then go on to the next big mistake.
Sigh.
I sure am glad you're here.
Ron - whatever "space" you're in, let it be. Pain is only relieved - if at all - through acceptance that it is, not through time, not through another man - or woman.
I am still thinking positively for you.
Keven
 
Be careful what you wish for, it might come true. LOL I'm still suffering 24 years of "bliss" with the same partner. I'm sure he would say the same of me or worse. ha. We argue fuss and fight quite a lot and there are certainly times when either one of us want to end this relationship, it's been discussed a few times but in the end we never do. I think we're so used to each other. I'm perfect and he's not and vice versa.
 
You'll be better without him!!!!!!

Hi, Ron. I'm SOOOO sorry to hear this!!! Was he doing anything behind your back? I couldn't be happier than to not be with my X Ed. We were together on and off for 10 yrs. He could not be faithfull at all. I'd even find used condoms in his trash and he would blame it on his brother. I told him " if you really believe that, you really should KILL yourself". It's been 5 yrs. since we split and I miss him like I would miss a brain tumor!!! He's the one that I put his VCR in my trash compactor. I told him that Im so glad that I experienced what I did with you. Now I know what to watch for. And if the new guy I go out with shows even one sighn of you and he will be GONE!!!! I've been single now for 5 yrs. and believe me, being single is NO curse. As time goes by, you'll see things that your glad to be without. If you want to email me off list, please do.....Bill in Az.....
 
You are Truly Loved

Ron,

You don't know me from Adam and I have never gone through what your going through, but sitting here reading the above posts tells me how much you are truly loved. Terry Latz said it best when he posted about joining this club, I on the other hand had the same experience with the VCCC. I will never forget my first convention, walking into the room and having the president call me by name and welcome me with open arms. If our churches would treat their parishiners with that same type of love and commitment, their pews would be full every Sunday. As I wipe the tears from my eyes reading what I have just read, I hope you can take comfort in knowing that you are loved and cared for by a wonderful group of people that are now your extended family.

Morgan
 
Ron, yow that's painful, but everyone here cares a lot and you have people here to turn to if/when your mood goes south from time to time.

I'll second the recommendation to get counseling. Think of it in terms of learning useful skills and getting an objective view of the situation.

Also know that you can go through the grief of losing someone without having to convert it into anger against them, and without being overwhelmed by it. The ol' literal cry on a friend's shoulder helps a lot, and even better if you and they plan on doing something relaxing after you've got it off your chest and blown your nose.
 
.....A Kenmore58 update!!!

Hi All!

Ron has asked me to let you know that even though he is having a difficult time, he is OK. Menatally bruised and tired but OK!

As many of us know, from experience, that when this happens it can be a chore to do the most mundane of tasks. I know that when it happened to me, if breathing and blinking weren't automatic then that too would have been a chore so posting to this list, right now, is a bit more that he is up to.

We are both overwheled at the outpouring of support from this fantastic group. You all are so kind to share some of your most personal and painfull experiences. Ron and I were both involved in another hobby, together, for about a decade and I can tell you that had he (or anyone) reached out, to them, for personal support you would have heard crickets chirping!!!

From the bottom of my heart I want to thank all of you, so much, for supporting my friend!!!

Rich
 
Hey, Ron......

So, so sorry to hear about this!! I know that you must be devastated. That's a lot of years. But hang in there and think about all the good things that you have in life. Time will make things easier, although it won't make it all disappear. But perhaps you'll encounter another someone special along the way. There are good people out there.....I found mine 15 yrs ago, and I wouldn't take anything for him.

You just hang in there, you hear?!
 
Hey Ron,

You'd love the heat over here right now - I feel like I was back in California.
Very un-German like.
Kinda bin keepin' my mouth shut the last day or two, mainly cause other folks say it better than I can. But am still thinking of you.
I am, on one point, not so certain - and please, I don't know you, so I may be way wrong here - but my two cents, for what they may be worth:

Counseling is a nice catch all for all sort of bad things which happen in the US. Certainly, there are times when we need help and can't survive without it. When my handfasted lifemate was murdered, I took it, it helped and even if things have never really been the way they should be since, I am able to laugh and live again.
But counseling alone is not the solution. Pain and separation are more than just something to be processed and worked through then put aside.
Your experience - and your life now - are very much a part of you and reality. I know you aren't looking for a quick and easy fix here - and my thoughts are still very much with you.
Keven
 
Advice

Please take time in each day to be in touch with your partner.
Years go by and you naturally grow apart. Don't take them for granted. Tell each other how much you care. Don't ever assume that whatever you do, they will be there with you. Everyday is a working struggle, but the end reward is more fulfilling that one can completely imagine. Make the effort.
 
A follow-up

And some words to ponder:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably
more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so
remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry
because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you
love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute
of happiness you'll never get back. So send this to all of your friends.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.
 
hi guys

I know you don't know me from the man in the moon, but i have been sitting here reading your stories, and they remind me so much of what i have gone thru these last few years of my life but also i am reminded of my soulmate Antonio who died in a plane crash. I was 19 and Antonio was 22 we met not long after i moved to New Caney Tx in jan of 1985. Antonio and i dated for a few months and as we got to know each other we just clicked. When i i couldn't find the right words to say at times he would finish my sentences with the exact words i was going to use. And when i would think about him and in my mind i would say his name he would come walking into the room and "Say yes babe you called?". we were so in tuned it was uncanny. it was like a tv movie though, we met fell in love and talked about spending our lives togetherand then tragedy struck. it was september 6th of 1986 i was at work as a grocery bagger at the time, and I had this strange feeling come over me, well then like 20 minutes later i got a call at work from Antonio's dad saying he would pick me up to see about getting off work there's been emergency.
So I told my boss there was a family emergency and i needed to go home, allejandro antonio's dad picked me up and took me to his house. The whole family was there the women were crying really hard, and the men were sobbing some were in shock, that was when i asked "What is going on? What's wrong?"
and that was when they told me that antonio was test piloting a new plane it started to malfunction, so tonio hit the canopy release nothing happened, then he hit the seat eject thinking it would release the canopy it didn't and Antonio died when the jet hit ground at 12:35 om september 6th 1986. i found this out when i was able to listen to a transcript of the planes audio recordings made for his parents. from that day forward i felt like half of my heart was gone and i couldn't stand to be in the same state where the accident happened so i moved back to Lima Ohio to this day i pine for Antonio. and from the day i moved back to ohio i have tried to find the solace in meeting guys, dating, and trying to fall in love, but alas nothing now iam 40 soon to be 41 this august 18th and lonely so if you have someone in your life and you love them and are in love with them hold them close and keep dear to you heart for they may not be there one day and you wont know what hit you like what hit me when i was just 19.

Kelly (monkeywards40
 
Kelly

What a heart-wrenching story.
You cherish those memories with antonio and perhaps someday you will find peace and happiness again. But till then, don't give up.
Life is really too short.
Enjoy your time here.
Thank you for sharing your memories.
Now go forward and try to make the best of everyday.
 
Ron and Kelly and all

I hope for you that things are good or get better as it
applies to this thread. On this past Fathers Day (the 18th)
I was reading these posts and being amazed that the day marked the 20th anniversary of "the love of my life" passing.
It was a somewhat short period of time, 1984-1986 in the earlyish days of the "epidemic". It was the most dramatic
change of life event I had ever experienced. I had no "clue"
then, and I have no "clue" now about much of anything when you get right down to it. Of course the intensity diminished over the years, but that place in the heart is still there,
the wonderful good time that I had, the things we did, and what might have been. I was stunned to recall that I was 34,
he was 33. He woulda kept his "eye out" for a vintage appliance in a hot minute! I am much the same person I was then, a bit more rich of a patina, perhaps. We keep on going
and enjoy comfort and satisfaction as it comes. This is a good
place to be, don't you think? Love, Darrel
 
Back Together!

First, I have to say to each and every one of you that posted to this thread a genuine thank-you for your concern. This has probably been three of the worst weeks of my life.

After several conversations back and forth, my partner Eric and I have decided to give it another try!! Needless to say, I couldn't be happier. I know we have issues to work out, but I think we can work through it.

Again, everyone, thanks so much for your support.

Ron
 
Hi Kenmore58

Here's hoping everything will be allright with you an Eric. Sorry I didn't get to post earlier, but just wanted you to know I felt as everyone else who posted felt. I am married to a fine woman but I know your feelings run deep for your partner and wish you both the best. David
 

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