My Dad and COPD

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seeitrun2006

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2006
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499
Location
Commerce, GA
My 80 year old Dad was told the latter part of last year he has moderate emphysema with chronic bronchitis otherwise known as COPD. He's been smoking since he was 18 which means he has smoked for over 62 years. His pulmonologist has told him he MUST quit smoking to slow down the progression of the disease.

The doc could have been talking to a tree! They have offered him the patch, nicotine gum etc. His response "its just a bunch of BS". They told him if quits now he could possibly have 5~10 good years left. Continue to smoke he might have 1~2 years left if he's lucky. The doc put him on an inhaler-Spirivia to reduce the imflammation. He will not use it on a daily basis because once again he sees no need in it.

To complicate matters I have two younger brothers who are twins and they are EMT's. They think since they are EMT's they have medical degrees plus they smoke as does my younger sister. I can't get thru to my Dad because of them telling him its OK to continue to kill himself with smoking.

They are making my job of caregiver extremely difficult. Except for the COPD Daddy is in fairly good health. My Mom has mild to moderate dementia but is ambulatory with short term memory loss.

Thanks for letting me vent!

David
 
Perhaps it is time...

...to tell you siblings "If you won't support me, YOU be the caregiver" and wash your hands of it.

But that would be awful tough these are your parents.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do - you have my sympathy.

Hunter
 
My Dad has it

Started smoking when he was 14, was told at 58 he had COPD. He quit right off, It was very hard for him. He's on the Spiriva, nebulizer, oxygen when he sleeps. He seems to be doing very well. He's 61 now. Any way that you can get your Dad to stop is a good thing, whether he realizes it or not. I was amazed at my Dad's strength when he helped me work on the Frigidaire back in the summer, just as strong as ever. Good look to you man.
 
I know you love your father and you want to do right by him

But the choices he makes are his and his alone. All you can do is be supportive, respect his wishes, with the occasional niggle and that's that. I know it is hard for you, but maybe your father has already made his peace with his maker. 80 is a good age and his way of thinking may well be that he'd rather continue doing what he enjoys for another 2 years, than have another 10 years of getting old being told how to live his life.

If this was about a significantly younger person it would be a different matter. Your father has a bag full of life-experience, and, providing that he is still mentally high-functioning, he knows where he is at and understands what he is doing. He has raised his family, probably fought in a war or two and looked after everyone (my surmise). Let him be the master of the last leg of his destiny without becoming a nag. I know you are doing this becaues you love him, but sometimes that also means letting things go. We don't live forever and, as the saying goes - 'getting old isn't for sissies'.

On a side note, our western ways of dealing with ageing and death is pretty ignorant anyway. As a society we live in chronic denial and treat old people like useless trash. The medical profession consistently treats the elderly as experimental subjects, just to see how long they can be kept alive, with little consideration re 'quality of life' (which is actually a very personal concept).

Ensure that you make the last years of his life count in terms of your relationship. For all you know he may well beat the odds and live another 10 years anyway. That certainly wouldn't be first.

rapunzel
 
Sounds like your dad intends to leave this world with a lit cig in his mouth, regardless of the stated implications. I would tell him that if he refuses to help himself, you'll refuse to help him out. Unfortunately, some people are a lot like collecting vintage appliances: You can't save them all.

"I can't get thru to my Dad because of them telling him its OK to continue to kill himself with smoking."

It sounds like your siblings just volunteered themselves to be your dads full time caregiver! Unbelievable!!

At this point, it's probably best to turn the majority of your focus on your mother.

You have my sympathies.
 
He's too old for you to harp on him so leave him be I say. It's difficult if not near impossible for most people to quit. I quit almost 2 years ago now and didn't find it that difficult though my partner just can't seem to do it.
My 81 y.o. aunt has also been smoking since she was 15 or 16, she' waaay overweight and a host of other problems and huffs and puffs, not sure if she has an inhaler or not.. Anyways she's told me she's not quitting now it's too late. The way she keeps going is a miracle in itself seeing as she's already buried her husband and her daughter, my cousin at age 50. Who by the way was really into fitness and healthfoods, yoga etc. Same with my dad,, he went at 72 and he didn't smoke, was an avid hiker and exerciser for decades, always maintained his weight on the slim side.
 
David,

Denis Leary once said, "They say smoking takes ten years off your life. Yeah, the wheelchair/kidney dialysis/adult diaper years."

As much as that might shock some people, he's basically correct. I absolutely agree with Rapunzel's advice that you should respect his wishes, don't judge him, but tell him it really hurts to know he'll be gone sooner rather than later.

It's all you can do. The choice is his to make.
 
I also agree that at 80 years old if your father wants to continue to smoke,let him. It is something he must enjoy, anyways after 62 years of smoking the damage is done so quitting really wont do anything
 
I'm in the healthcare field and...

I couldn't agree more with the advice that you have been given. It's called "dignity". We all want to be treated with dignity and sometimes that means allowing our loved ones to make what should be their own choices. He has the information and knows the risks/outcome and he can now choose what he wants to do with his life BUT....you can choose whether you take care of him or not. The only thing that you CAN controll is how YOU act. It's tough but it's the only way. Anything other than that and you will do harm to your own health.

If ever you want a friendly ear then just send me a private email. I will be glad to talk with you. I take care of many people with many problems and COPD is not new to me.

Take care :-)

Rich
 
Well . . .

I agree with much of what's written above, but it mostly addresses only the probability of your father dying earlier than necessary as a consequence of continuing to smoke. Another consideration is the quality of his remaining years. People with advanced emphysema have described it as feeling like you're underwater and can't get a breath, but it goes on 24 hours a day.

I'd have a long talk with all the doctors about the quality of his remaining years, and make sure he's fully aware of this - spending the day gasping in a wheelchair tethered to an oxygen tank isn't a nice way to go, and it will put a huge extra load on those around him.
 
David, I know it's hard. People can stop smoking if they want to, but they have to want to. My dad who is 94, you might have seen my thread on issues we're having, smoked for perhaps 50 years. He decided to quit on his own 20+ years ago and hasn't smoked since. I have no idea why he quit, he wasn't a heavy smoker, less than a pack a day, but at 94 his O2 levels are 100% on room air. So whatever damage there was has reversed.

I'll offer you the same advice many here offered me, take care of yourself. Being around all the second hand smoke is not good for anyone. Perhaps you can make a deal that your dad wont smoke when you are around, ask him if he'll do that for you. Maybe you use that to start small and get him to cut back 1/4, or some fraction and see if he feels better. Going cold turkey is extremely difficult for people who are heavy smokers. Perhaps it might do him some good to visit a hospital where people with his condition in the end stages are being treated and see first had the consequences of his actions. That can be sobering.

Good luck and take care of yourself....

Matt
 
I totallly agree

I really appreciate the people in this club! You give your un-bias thoughts and opinions when asked. I appreciate all of you!

As far as my Dad is concerned I will priviately consult with his pulmonologist to explain he does not want treatment nor does he want to quit smoking. I will continue to get routine CT scans to keep track of the progression. I'm going to simply let my Dad live out the remainder of his life as he wants it. I will be there for him till the very end.

For now I will continue to aim my primary focus on my Mom getting the best dementia care I can get for her. Luckily she is still able to be at home with my Dad.

I really need to start taking care of myself as the stress of dealing with Daddy is starting to effect my health and mental well being. My Mom however causes very little stress. She is almost like a little puppy. Just tell her what to do and she does it. With Daddy it like going up against a brick wall!

Thanks once again for all the advice, thoughts and opinion!

I hope this Super Forum does not go away!

Peace and blessings to all,
David
 
This thread is difficult to read

So many details parallel my own father. Smoked since teen-age, had contempt for doctors and treatments. At age 86 was thrown out of assisted living facility for in-room smoking. (their protocol was to hold cigarettes and matches at central point and meter them out, to be smoked outdoors) As a part of moving to another residence, a chest X-ray discovered a spot on one lung. It was diagnosed as lung cancer, and he was dead within four months. If he hadn't had the physiology of an ox to start with he never would have lasted to 86.
 
David, one more thought. Use whatever time your dad has left to deal with any issues you have with him. Fathers and Sons always have issues, some minor some major. If you only have minor ones good for you. When my mom was dieing 18 years ago near the end she apologized for two things- one, that she choose him to be my father and two that she left me behind to take care of him. My dad and I never had the best of relationships and though we lived together there was very little interaction.

But, over time I got to see who he was and began to understand why he acted as he did. It took years but all the animosity that I had for him left. Today I can give him a hug and clean his rear end and not resent it. I could not have done that years ago. So, use this time wisely - you wont regret it.
 
I Think...

...You'd be well within your rights to put your siblings on notice that they're expected to help with your dad's care. Other posters here have said that it's your dad's choice to do what he's going to do, and that is absolutely correct. But your sibs are enabling a bad choice, and so it seems only fair that they should assume some of the responsibility for the outcome.

Telling them that now, point-blank, might accomplish one of two desirable goals. Either A) They'll see it your way and begin telling Dad it's time to quit, or B) They might help when Dad's health deteriorates further.

If I had to guess, I'd say A) is likelier than B). Try not to allow C), which is for them to enable Dad in his bad habits and then be unavailable to you when you need help with the outcome of that. Been there, done that, no damned fun at all.
 
The choice is "C"

danemodsandy,

I have told my siblings point blank on numerous occaions about the COPD and the bleak future my Dad has. They think I'm over reacting!

They enable him! At some family functions they give him cigarettes and tell him there is absolutely nothing wrong. I will be the one to sign the DNR when he is on his death bed because of them.

Its my job to care for them but I also have come realize I must take care of myself also.

In the end when both parents are gone I will be the winner! My parents have shared so much family history/information with me from their 54 years of marrage. My siblings will not have that opportunity! So sad! Oh well such is life!
 

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