Odd Request

[automagic]

Hey everyone,
I have a bit of an odd request. I have a friend who is gay he knows he is gay. The problem is he is also married to a woman and has two small children. Right now he is torn and severally depressed because he wants to pursue life as a gay man, but at the same time does not want to hurt his wife and children.
Is there anyone else who has gone through this and can talk about it? I am trying to help, but there is only so much I can say. I know there are plenty of stories on the internet, but he doesn't seem to have any interest in reading them.
Thanks in advance for you help
Donnie

 

[alr2903]

Living, for lack of a better word, a Lie. Is never a good thing. The TRUTH is always the best way to go. I doubt his wife is not hurting Now. I never fathered children, depending on their ages and understanding of complicated adult issues. the kids IMHO should be told appropriate information for their respective ages. We only have one life to live. Living it well and truthfully, is MOST times always for the best.. Automagic hope your friend and family get through this, and heal quickly.

 

[petek]

There are groups for this sort of thing in just about every mid to major city in North America. Not sure what the Chicago one is called but someone will know. There are also groups for the wife of a gay man. Find out where they're held and go to the first one with him.

 

[veg-o-matic]

You might want to try gayfatherhood.com. It's a website that Keith helps his friend David run.

It's good people.

veg

Domain Registered at Safenames

 

[gizmo]

This is a hard situation. Although your friend doesn't want to hurt his wife and kids, the reality is, it is going to hurt. He really needs to aim to minimise (rather than eliminate) the hurt that is inevitable. He should talk to men who have gone through (and are going through) the same situation. He will need to take a long term focus. On the other hand, he should not be despondent, he should also realize that many many couples have faced the same situation, he is by no means alone. It won't be easy but it will be OK.
I know of two similar situations:
One, the couple separated. The man met another gay man, a friend of mine, and they became a couple. The man maintained close contact with his daughter, though they lived an hour drive away. He also maintained a reasonable relationship with his ex-wife - there was some tension for a while, but they worked it out OK.
The second, was over 20 years ago. I was a volunteer worker with a student exchange organization. I had only recently realized I was gay myself, and came out my co-workers. To my great surprise, one lady I worked with told me her husband was gay, they had a daughter and the three still lived together. Her husband had his own bedroom and his boyfriend would stay there too at times. Their daughter was about 10 years old and fully understood about her Mum, Dad and Dad's boyfriend. It had been a hard adjustment as there was still a great deal of love between the lady and her husband, but no longer a sexual relationship.

I hope your friend can come to an arrangement that they can all feel comfortable with. Good on you for being supportive.

Chris.

 

[tomturbomatic]

It is a shame that society's prejudices make so many who are GLB enter into a heterosexual relationship either in hope of "curing" themselves or as a way to hide and deny the truth until the strain becomes too much and several lives are damaged through divorce or suicide or some other situation. It is a bit of a mixed blessing that kids are able to admit being non-heterosexual to themselves and others at earlier ages because, thanks to the internet, they know that they are not the only ones "like that." Yes, they are in greater danger of being bullied, forced into therapy or tossed out of their homes and a lot of work needs to be done about those situations, but they also do not feel forced into hiding who they really are behind a marriage that is doomed before it begins.

There was a program about families on the tube a few weeks ago. Each family had children and various types of stress, but after all of the exploring, the researachers said that the only family where both partners were really equals was the family with two fathers.

 

[rp2813]

Donnie, does his wife have any suspicions at all? A good friend of mine who is gay was married and had daughter and was outed by his own wife! As he tells it, they were out to dinner and it went something like this:

Wife: Do you know that guy?
Him: No, why do you ask?
Wife: Because you can't stop staring at him.

It was that simple. She made him realize that he was in the wrong situation (and obviously in denial).

Your friend may not be in denial and doesn't need to have his preference pointed out to him by his wife, but it may just be that she's already noticed something and is waiting for him to drop the other shoe. She could be more prepared for his announcement than he is.

Bottom line is that everyone's happiness is at stake here, and he should pursue the life that will provide it for him. Unfortunately as with anything you need to work for, no pain no gain, but he will be enormously relieved once this difficult transition is behind him.

 

[automagic]

yes and no

Hey everyone thanks for your thoughts and opinions. I told him to check out the site and the thread. I have also forwarded on the emails that were sent to me privately to him.

His wife has asked a few times in the course of their marriage, but he has denied anything and she dropped the subject.

 

[toggleswitch]

You ARE you zip (postal) code.

There is no such thing as perfectly straight, purely gay and perfectly bi-sexual. Sexuality is a continuum, and one that varies over time. Being purely bi-sexual implies no (ZERO) preference, ever; this is not realistic. It is said that those that are perfectly bi-sexual are narcissists that will shag anyone who pays attention to them. And just because one "prefers" vanilla doesn't mean they won't consume chocolate.

Our convpts of sexuality are colored by our language and our culture, as are our percetions of everything in general.

It is a tough situation when a wife and children are involved. The sadest part is that the court may "agree" with the wife that the hsuband is "sick" and not allow the kids near him. This is where everyone loses.

Best of luck and strength to the affected. I choose not to say more online, but can be reached offline, if I can be of any assistance. (Just don't call me Dr. Ruth).

Peace, light, love, healing and blessings to all.

 

[toggleswitch]

and I must add....
May your freind love himself and respect himself in all his perfection; 'cause G-d don't make junk.
Like any minority, (visible or not) the message is "you are no good because........"
It takes a great deal of inner strength to move past this self-hatred that is culturally induced.
Pehaps it will all change when we are afforded the same rights and priviledges as other members of society.

 

[toggleswitch]

The majority MUST be right, no?

oh and another thing.. (oy vey)

At one time you could be punished (and perhaps killed) for being left-handed.
Society got over it. No one much cares these days. It's just a natural thing reserved for the special few.

In Greek the word for left (handed) has the same root as the word for "excellence". I say lefties just think/process differently. But hey if they insist on believeing it's better.......... *LOL*

Different is not always worse.

 

[peterh770]

I hope the kids aren't little. They need their father regardless...