The beginning of the "Walk the Line" movie about Johnny Cash changed my life. Johnny Cash wasn't the only one driven by rythem, I too am driven by rythem, except my rythem isn't Luther or Marshal on base, its a old kenmore.
There has always been a sound that brings me comfort and ever since I was a kid I remember hearing it, I didn't know where it came from, but my earliest memory until a few months ago was my grandmothers whirlpool washer. It was a white Supreme 80 standard capacity with the cursive letters on the left. I would love to see that machine again, I have a belt drive from the 80's and one day I will find a top like that supreme 80.
So i was about 8 when i was playing with grandmas whirlpool, my family was never supportive so my curiosity was done in the closet (well the laundry room lol). So time went on, I had some weird stuff happen with my cousins and uncle but moved past it, got married and one day on ebay I found the 63 turquoise kenmore set (some of you remember me getting them a few years back), when i got those machines home the sound they made was slightly different and when they ran I felt a huge comfort come over me, even more calming than grandmas whirlpool.
So I put the set aside and went on with life. A few months ago I couldn't sleep and was having horrible dreams thinking someone was in the room and trying to hurt me. So I'd work on the house, well I was working in the bathroom and I got dizzy and fell off my ladder (it was about 3am on june 20th), I laid there a few mintues and my wife came in, and when she did i thought it was someone else and started freaking out. I probably woke up the whole neighborhood, next thing I knew I was in the hospital, I couldn't talk, but i could hear voices and i couldn't see but my eyes were open, I was in comatose for few days.
My parents were pretty quiet because I guess I had been talking but not knowing it and the doctors told them I was very likely a victim of early child abuse. My parents of course denied it, but the doctos said I was making a whirring humming sound when I would close my eyes, and that seemed to bring me back, until I finially woke up.
After I got home I started remembering alot of things, I remembered being in a bathtub and being beaten, I remember hiding in the garage at my uncles house. He would come into the room and have sex with his kids and me. I would hide in the garage to avoid it, since my uncle and his wife were slobs and my aunt was an insomniac with lots of kids, she would do wash on the weekends at night. I can still smell the paint in the garage (uncle was a painter) but I remember seeing the washer from a distance, and its sound was comforting. I started getting counseling last month and I had to find out how old I was, I was able to determine I was 4. But I know that sound has driven me my whole life, and i walk to that rythem in my head, and now that I finially can deal with what happened to me, I'm so thankful I have that machine to bring me comfort, all I have to do is hook it up.
My parents still deny everything, but my grandmother who my family disowned when i was little would always tell me to be careful of people who were abused. I never knew why she said that, so I asked her. I told her what I had gone thru and the only thing she said was "You finially know don't you" so I guess I know.
So thats why I've been gone, I wanted to tell all of you for some reason. I'm not at all public about this, but I wanted to share, I guess just for my own growth and because maybe you guys will be more supportive.
As for me, I've never been better even tho I'm going thru alot, I know why I'm angry, and I'm dealing with it, I know why I've been so driven to work on washing machines and get a good job. My wife left after the bathroom incident becuase she just couldn't handle what happened, but each day is a new day and I make a little progress everyday.
Thanks for listening.
Steven in San Diego
There has always been a sound that brings me comfort and ever since I was a kid I remember hearing it, I didn't know where it came from, but my earliest memory until a few months ago was my grandmothers whirlpool washer. It was a white Supreme 80 standard capacity with the cursive letters on the left. I would love to see that machine again, I have a belt drive from the 80's and one day I will find a top like that supreme 80.
So i was about 8 when i was playing with grandmas whirlpool, my family was never supportive so my curiosity was done in the closet (well the laundry room lol). So time went on, I had some weird stuff happen with my cousins and uncle but moved past it, got married and one day on ebay I found the 63 turquoise kenmore set (some of you remember me getting them a few years back), when i got those machines home the sound they made was slightly different and when they ran I felt a huge comfort come over me, even more calming than grandmas whirlpool.
So I put the set aside and went on with life. A few months ago I couldn't sleep and was having horrible dreams thinking someone was in the room and trying to hurt me. So I'd work on the house, well I was working in the bathroom and I got dizzy and fell off my ladder (it was about 3am on june 20th), I laid there a few mintues and my wife came in, and when she did i thought it was someone else and started freaking out. I probably woke up the whole neighborhood, next thing I knew I was in the hospital, I couldn't talk, but i could hear voices and i couldn't see but my eyes were open, I was in comatose for few days.
My parents were pretty quiet because I guess I had been talking but not knowing it and the doctors told them I was very likely a victim of early child abuse. My parents of course denied it, but the doctos said I was making a whirring humming sound when I would close my eyes, and that seemed to bring me back, until I finially woke up.
After I got home I started remembering alot of things, I remembered being in a bathtub and being beaten, I remember hiding in the garage at my uncles house. He would come into the room and have sex with his kids and me. I would hide in the garage to avoid it, since my uncle and his wife were slobs and my aunt was an insomniac with lots of kids, she would do wash on the weekends at night. I can still smell the paint in the garage (uncle was a painter) but I remember seeing the washer from a distance, and its sound was comforting. I started getting counseling last month and I had to find out how old I was, I was able to determine I was 4. But I know that sound has driven me my whole life, and i walk to that rythem in my head, and now that I finially can deal with what happened to me, I'm so thankful I have that machine to bring me comfort, all I have to do is hook it up.
My parents still deny everything, but my grandmother who my family disowned when i was little would always tell me to be careful of people who were abused. I never knew why she said that, so I asked her. I told her what I had gone thru and the only thing she said was "You finially know don't you" so I guess I know.
So thats why I've been gone, I wanted to tell all of you for some reason. I'm not at all public about this, but I wanted to share, I guess just for my own growth and because maybe you guys will be more supportive.
As for me, I've never been better even tho I'm going thru alot, I know why I'm angry, and I'm dealing with it, I know why I've been so driven to work on washing machines and get a good job. My wife left after the bathroom incident becuase she just couldn't handle what happened, but each day is a new day and I make a little progress everyday.
Thanks for listening.
Steven in San Diego
