No joking about Mrs Bucket. I will not have you joking about my mother! LOL
A logical decision.
- Thread starter newwave1
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sparkcymru
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- Mar 11, 2006
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Lol, my mother in law is the same. It's frightening how many there are. I even shake my teacup when i'm sitting at the kitchen table incase i spill it because she's there waiting with a cloth!
Steve
Steve
Louis - apologies for not asking in a while, but how is your partner, Tarquin doing?
We're still very busy with out needlepoint. LOL
(Telephone rings twice)
“The Stoock-ay residence. The lady… I mean, man… of the house speaking. Oh, it’s you, Steve. It’s Steve from Discuss-O-Mat. Oh, hang on… I have a call waiting [this service was not available in the UK until later in the series]… It’s Jon… Hello, Jon! Excuse me? Would do you mean, ‘When are you getting the Miele dryer’? I shall be soon, I believe, my dear. Oh, there’s another call – please hold… It’s Darren… Hello, Darren! And how are you today, dear? Fine? Lip ring?!”
Mrs Carlacinth Stock-ay makes all manner of facial expressions, putting the telephone on his side, running backwards and forwards.
“Now listen, dear Darren. I must insist that you take that lip ring out this instance! Whatever will the neighbours say, dear? You don’t care, you say? Why not, dear? What’s up? You hate Comet? We all hate Comet, dear – it’s just a terrible place to shop, too. I never buy anything from there. You’re doing what, dear? Playing with your washer-----?”
Mrs Carlacinth Stoock-ay gets tangled up in the telephone cord, aghast at Darren’s antics.
“Now look, Darren – you must get out of this phase of playing with yourself. It cannot be healthy. Could you not partake in some other, more wholesome, activities, hmmm…? You don’t what, dear? You don’t like washers that do not rinse properly today? Now listen – get a Miele… I have one. I wouldn’t be without it at my candlelight suppers. Granted, it does not have the obligatory drum light like Jonathan’s at his Miele drum light suppers, but it suits me fine, dear. Hmm…? You what, dear…”
The doorbell rings. Carlacinth pops his head through the net curtains to discover a Hotpoint Service van outside.
“Um… ah… Oh no – I cannot let anyone see I have a Hotpoint vehicle outside for my Indesit-based Hotpoint dishwasher… Oh, um…”
Rushing back into the hall, Carlacinth opens the door and bundles the engineer into the hall, removing his shoes in the process.
“Now, dear – I would ask that you repair my dishwasher post-haste. I am expecting company at any minute…”
Doorbell goes again. At the door, Carlacinth finds Nick Wilson.
“Bonjour, Monsieur Wilson! Welcome! Do come in… I have a cup of coffee waiting in my Royal Doulton set.” Nick is decidedly apprehensive, looking up at the ceiling in horror.
Carlacinth hears something outside. After investigating by walking on to the driveway, he spots Nick Stubbs running up the road with an oversized chef’s novelty hat on, complete with Tesco uniform and a frying pan in hand and an bottle of Comfort Pure:
“Carl! I’ve managed to see you! I’m coming round now!”
(Cue roaring canned laughter)
Aghast, Carlacinth runs back into the house, turfing Nick Wilson out the back door.
“But! But! I’ve only just arrived! I wanted to see your Miele. I won’t be able to come round until after Christmas now,” says Nick W. “I can’t help that, dear! Goodbye! See you another time!”
Nick W is appalled but leaves quietly. However, his shoes are still indoors. The back door opens again, and Carlacinth hands the shoes back to Nick W, with Carlacinth miming the French national anthem. Nick holds his head in his hands, completely bewildered.
Nick Stubbs arrived at the front door, frying pain in hand.
“Carl! I’ve discovered the delights of cooking with Comfort! It’s delicious – and I only vomit once after eating it!” says Nick.
Nick S is bundled into the Calacinth’s house, but his oversized chef’s hat gets caught in the door. Nick S then runs into the kitchen, drops his frying pan and proceeds to harass the Miele washer.
Completely astonished at the scale of the disastrous situation facing him, and with the telephone still connected to Darren, Carlacinth panics and finds a youngster at the door.
“Dan! Err… How nice to see you! Now, wash your hands, dear, before you come in, and don’t touch my wallpaper on the way.”
Utter chaos ensues, with Darren still on the telephone saying, “Hello?! Hello?! I’m waiting! This is taking longer than a Bosch on boilwash cottons!” Also, with the others put on hold, Carlacinth is traumatised.
Carlacinth then says: “Whatever will the Barker-Finches make of this? Never again will I be able to stage my renowned candlelight suppers. That Jonathan Scatliffe will take my place with his Miele drum light suppers instead.”
The End.
(Cue canned clapping, credits and theme tune)
----------
Now, I suspect that most of you will never speak to me again because:
(a) I sound as if I am on something;
(b) I sound as if I am drunk;
(c) I sound as if I am mad.
I’ve none of those!
Carl
“The Stoock-ay residence. The lady… I mean, man… of the house speaking. Oh, it’s you, Steve. It’s Steve from Discuss-O-Mat. Oh, hang on… I have a call waiting [this service was not available in the UK until later in the series]… It’s Jon… Hello, Jon! Excuse me? Would do you mean, ‘When are you getting the Miele dryer’? I shall be soon, I believe, my dear. Oh, there’s another call – please hold… It’s Darren… Hello, Darren! And how are you today, dear? Fine? Lip ring?!”
Mrs Carlacinth Stock-ay makes all manner of facial expressions, putting the telephone on his side, running backwards and forwards.
“Now listen, dear Darren. I must insist that you take that lip ring out this instance! Whatever will the neighbours say, dear? You don’t care, you say? Why not, dear? What’s up? You hate Comet? We all hate Comet, dear – it’s just a terrible place to shop, too. I never buy anything from there. You’re doing what, dear? Playing with your washer-----?”
Mrs Carlacinth Stoock-ay gets tangled up in the telephone cord, aghast at Darren’s antics.
“Now look, Darren – you must get out of this phase of playing with yourself. It cannot be healthy. Could you not partake in some other, more wholesome, activities, hmmm…? You don’t what, dear? You don’t like washers that do not rinse properly today? Now listen – get a Miele… I have one. I wouldn’t be without it at my candlelight suppers. Granted, it does not have the obligatory drum light like Jonathan’s at his Miele drum light suppers, but it suits me fine, dear. Hmm…? You what, dear…”
The doorbell rings. Carlacinth pops his head through the net curtains to discover a Hotpoint Service van outside.
“Um… ah… Oh no – I cannot let anyone see I have a Hotpoint vehicle outside for my Indesit-based Hotpoint dishwasher… Oh, um…”
Rushing back into the hall, Carlacinth opens the door and bundles the engineer into the hall, removing his shoes in the process.
“Now, dear – I would ask that you repair my dishwasher post-haste. I am expecting company at any minute…”
Doorbell goes again. At the door, Carlacinth finds Nick Wilson.
“Bonjour, Monsieur Wilson! Welcome! Do come in… I have a cup of coffee waiting in my Royal Doulton set.” Nick is decidedly apprehensive, looking up at the ceiling in horror.
Carlacinth hears something outside. After investigating by walking on to the driveway, he spots Nick Stubbs running up the road with an oversized chef’s novelty hat on, complete with Tesco uniform and a frying pan in hand and an bottle of Comfort Pure:
“Carl! I’ve managed to see you! I’m coming round now!”
(Cue roaring canned laughter)
Aghast, Carlacinth runs back into the house, turfing Nick Wilson out the back door.
“But! But! I’ve only just arrived! I wanted to see your Miele. I won’t be able to come round until after Christmas now,” says Nick W. “I can’t help that, dear! Goodbye! See you another time!”
Nick W is appalled but leaves quietly. However, his shoes are still indoors. The back door opens again, and Carlacinth hands the shoes back to Nick W, with Carlacinth miming the French national anthem. Nick holds his head in his hands, completely bewildered.
Nick Stubbs arrived at the front door, frying pain in hand.
“Carl! I’ve discovered the delights of cooking with Comfort! It’s delicious – and I only vomit once after eating it!” says Nick.
Nick S is bundled into the Calacinth’s house, but his oversized chef’s hat gets caught in the door. Nick S then runs into the kitchen, drops his frying pan and proceeds to harass the Miele washer.
Completely astonished at the scale of the disastrous situation facing him, and with the telephone still connected to Darren, Carlacinth panics and finds a youngster at the door.
“Dan! Err… How nice to see you! Now, wash your hands, dear, before you come in, and don’t touch my wallpaper on the way.”
Utter chaos ensues, with Darren still on the telephone saying, “Hello?! Hello?! I’m waiting! This is taking longer than a Bosch on boilwash cottons!” Also, with the others put on hold, Carlacinth is traumatised.
Carlacinth then says: “Whatever will the Barker-Finches make of this? Never again will I be able to stage my renowned candlelight suppers. That Jonathan Scatliffe will take my place with his Miele drum light suppers instead.”
The End.
(Cue canned clapping, credits and theme tune)
----------
Now, I suspect that most of you will never speak to me again because:
(a) I sound as if I am on something;
(b) I sound as if I am drunk;
(c) I sound as if I am mad.
I’ve none of those!
Carl
Episode 2 of Carlacinth’s Keeping Up Appearances
“The Stook-ay residence. The ladyman of the house speaking. Oh, it’s you, Matt!”
(Turns away from phone)
“It’s Matt for Orstraliar! You know… The one with… um… a Whirlpool… No – not that kind of Whirlpool – the washing machine kind. Yes – that’s it. American.”
(Turns back to Matt on phone)
“Matt, hmm…? What was that? You don’t like what…? The Queen?-----”
(Carlacinth turns away from the phone in horror)
“Now look here, Matt. I know you are not fond of the Queen-----”
(Matt is heard expressing his opinion of the Queen)
“Now listen, dear. The Queen is your Head of State, too-----”
(Matt steps up his views on the Queen, switching his Whirlpool to spin in order to block out Carlacinth’s voice)
“OK, dear. We’ll just leave it at that. I can see the negative side of a Royal Family in this day and age, as well as effectively sharing one with another country. How is your washer, dear?”
(Out of the blue, a boomerang comes flying through the door, knocking Carlacinth out cold)
“G’day,” says Matt. “I just thought I’d send you a boomerang from here. See you later!”
(Matt then has a barbeque. Like all Australians do apparently. Every five minutes. ;-))
;-)
“The Stook-ay residence. The ladyman of the house speaking. Oh, it’s you, Matt!”
(Turns away from phone)
“It’s Matt for Orstraliar! You know… The one with… um… a Whirlpool… No – not that kind of Whirlpool – the washing machine kind. Yes – that’s it. American.”
(Turns back to Matt on phone)
“Matt, hmm…? What was that? You don’t like what…? The Queen?-----”
(Carlacinth turns away from the phone in horror)
“Now look here, Matt. I know you are not fond of the Queen-----”
(Matt is heard expressing his opinion of the Queen)
“Now listen, dear. The Queen is your Head of State, too-----”
(Matt steps up his views on the Queen, switching his Whirlpool to spin in order to block out Carlacinth’s voice)
“OK, dear. We’ll just leave it at that. I can see the negative side of a Royal Family in this day and age, as well as effectively sharing one with another country. How is your washer, dear?”
(Out of the blue, a boomerang comes flying through the door, knocking Carlacinth out cold)
“G’day,” says Matt. “I just thought I’d send you a boomerang from here. See you later!”
(Matt then has a barbeque. Like all Australians do apparently. Every five minutes. ;-))
;-)
