So, I said screw it and lopped off the bolts with my bolt cutters. They cut like butter. Since the damper pads are properly farooked, I took Dan's advice and decided I'd figure out the tension later.
Off to the Depot, new stainless eyebolts, nuts and washers. Sorted.
Propped her up and got access to the pads... well, to two of them. The back lefthand pad is just gone. Not smooshed up inside, not rattling around the cabinet. Just completely missing. Ohhhkay.
Cleaned the pad area as well as I could, glued down the new pads, lubed her up and lowered back onto the lower cabinet, tightened the bolts roughly and left it overnight to set. Man, that orange glue is some icky stuff!
Ran a spin the morning after and it's a little wobbly; will have to adjust a bit, no big deal. Decided to do a wet test and we're peeing all over the floor. Seems I've angered the air gap.
While I was in the neighborhood I unscrewed the tub bulb and eyeballed... seems okay, wonder why it doesn't light. Jammed my multimeter probes in the switch (what a rat's nest!) and no love... looks like I need an injector kit and a new three pole switch. Tempted to jump the air gap with a barbed connector.
So, progress.
Thanks for all the pointers so far everyone!