Chad
This is an extremely long winded post which I do apologize for, but since I have been in situations like you have and can totally relate to your feelings, I thought I would share the story of a significant event in my life. It was very painful, but taught me a lesson that I needed to learn, and now I am in a much better place because of what happened.
A few years ago, I was searching for happiness via a boyfriend, and a great job. However I hated myself. I thought I was fat, ugly and would never have the type of man that I desired.
One day I went to St. Louis, and a friend took me to a group called Frontrunners, which is gay walking/running club. I was walking along with the friend when a GORGEOUS man in front of me kept turning around and flirting. He introduced himself to me as Vince, and he was the most beautiful guy I had ever laid eyes on. He was very charming and charismatic. He asked me for my phone number, but since we didn't have any access to pen or paper, he told me he would memorize it. I thought "yeah, whatever". The next day he called. He wanted to come see me at my friends house where I was staying. He came over, and it felt like instant love. I had never had a man make me feel the way he did.
Vince was getting ready to move to Las Vegas. He was living with his friend Mike in St. Louis at the time, but had just accepted a position in Vegas, and would be leaving in a few weeks. Over the course of those two weeks we talked on the phone every day, and I went up once to see him before he moved. Then he said he wanted me to move out there with him and be his boyfriend. I couldn't believe it; a guy as good looking as Vince wanting ME.
I left Missouri and arrived on New Years Eve 04. It was on a Friday I believe, and I was looking forward to spending the weekend and welcoming in '05 with my new boyfriend. When I arrived that night after being on the road, Vince's friend John from California was there. Vince informed me that he would be spending that NIGHT and the weekend in Ca. with John. I was stunned, and knew something was up. Vince had previously told me that he dated this John, but they had evolved into friends. He and John left, and I was all alone in a new city. When he got back, he asked me if John ever happened to come over, could I "just sleep on the couch?" He explained that while their relationship was turning into a friendship, he needed to sort of wean John off of him.
Now this is where the building happiness WITHIN and working on YOURSELF part comes in. You see, I should have just walked out right at that point. But at that time I thought the only way I could keep a guy who was as good looking as Vince was to put up with stuff like this. If I just stuck it out, it would be okay.
The next weekend, Vince went out AGAIN to California to be with John. He was telling John that I was just a roommate sleeping in the living room until I got a place of my own. I just kept my mouth shut, hoping things would pass and I could have Vince all to myself. It would have been to hard to find another guy like him, and after all, he TOLD me he loved me. It had to be true, right?
So two weekends had passed. I worked at a vacuum/sewing store out there, which kept me pretty busy throughout the week. I would get home two hours after Vince, but every night I cooked dinner.
The third weekend, Vince told me John was coming over for the weekend. I wasn't to say anything about us, and pretend like we were just friends. All three of us went out to dinner, and I put on a damn good act. I slept on the couch, and they went out to go gambling. When they came back in around 3 am, I watched them go into OUR bedroom together and close the door. That hurt like hell.
The following week, Vince promised me that we would spend the weekend together, a first for our "relationship". I came home Thursday night to find all the laundry folded, the house cleaned and vacuumed, and wondered what was up. "Baby," he said "John called, he's on his way over, and...well...it's not like I could tell him no".
John came over, we did the usual routine, and they went to bed that night. And had sex. My boyfriend, the man I was in love with and who told me he was in love with ME, having sex with somebody else in OUR bedroom. The sound of their orgasms did me in. I got up, put my clothes on, drove to the convenience store, and bought two of the biggest bottles of sleeping pills I could find. I got home, went into the kitchen and opened the bottles. For awhile I just stood there with them in my hand, thinking. I can't describe in words how rejected and worthless I felt, but it was bad enough that I was minutes away from taking my own life. Suddenly, a feeling came over me that made me think "If you do this, that's IT. Your life will be over and if you think you are powerless now, well just wait".
I put the pills down and went back to bed. The next morning I got up, packed my stuff and left. The experience of leaving was even more painful and detailed, but this post is long enough as it is.
Before I met Vince I was extremely desperate for a man. It just constantly pervaded my consciousness. So desperate that when I finally did get my dream man, I was willing to compromise myself, my values and my feelings just to keep him. And that's how I got myself in the situation that I did.
I'll have to admit that it took about a year to finally get over what had happened. I started practicing Buddhism fervently in order to build an inner peace and confidence. And I noticed that when I built that confidence, and the attitude that I was worth whatever I wanted, things flowed more easily and came to me naturally. Instead of thinking "Oh, its going to be so hard for me to get my own vacuum store, how will I ever do it, I HOPE it happens...etc..." I simply shifted my consciousness to "I WILL get my vacuum store, I WILL make it happen, I CAN have anything that I want." It took some time, but everything fell into place. Most importantly, I have built up an inner strength and serenity so that even if things are not going my way, I let it flow me like water through a sieve. In the past, I would just worry and stew over things, which would more often than not exacerbate the problem. As painful as my experience with Vince was, it fast-tracked me into the change of attitude that I needed in order to make my life the way I want it.
Chad, you deserve everything you desire. But I can tell you right now that if the thought "it never seems to work" keeps pervading your consiousness, that's probably all your going to get. If I find myself getting in that rut, I start chanting and meditating to shift my attitude. You can do whatever suits you, just as long as it builds that inner peace and confidence inside of you. You can feel it in your solar plexus (in the middle of your torso). It will change your life. I wish you all the best.
