Dealing with Alcholohism..

[selectomatic]

I can only add to what others have said.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.

You've been through something horrible with your dad, and that makes you understandibly unhappy about people who get drunk.

I don't know your BF, and I can't say whether he's an alcoholic. I will advise you to find out before you go too far in your relationship.

Before you get too involved (probably too late for this advice, but here it is), take some time to step back, discuss things, and be sure.

I drink a fair amount, and so did the man I decided to spend my life with. We've had a lot of fun times together, and we've thrown some kick-ass parties. After a while, though, the problems outweighed the fun. And the bills outweighed the income.

Facts are, I'm able to control my drinking to a reasonable extent, and he isn't. Between his alcoholism, his clinical-depression, and other such things, he is unable to maintain a functional level in our society if he's drinking and not taking his medication.

Sometimes he finds this to be very frustrating. Why can't he have the same fun as everyone else? The answer? Because that's how it is. End of story. Bitch all you want, but it won't change anything.

I don't know whether your BF is an alcoholic or not. I doubt that you're a good judge of such things, due to your personal involvement. I do know that I'd never want to subject anyone to the horrors I've been through over the last 19 years, but then I'd hate to have missed out on the good times.

I hope that you make the right decision. I hope that you follow your head and your heart each in its due proportion.

-kevin

 

[Robbytuck]

Children of Alcoholics

Chad

My heart goes out to you as does all of the others who have posted in this thread.

I would like to add one thing for you to consider. You and I are "Adult Children of Alcoholics". Growing up in the dysfunctional chaos of an alcoholic family, we were hardwired in our life-view.

We are:
People pleasers and neglect our own needs.
We either become or marry alcoholics or both
Personal criticism is taken as a threat
We live as victims.
We are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold onto a relationship so that we won't be abandoned emotionally
like we were as children.
We become addicted to excitement in our lives, preferring c
constant upset to workable solutions.

I spent several years in therapy because of the emotional and physical (including sexual) abuse that both of my alcoholic parents inflicted.

As part of my healing, I found "Adult Children of Alcoholics" which is a 12 step program and was the "Sunrise" in my life.

If your BF "gets violent...if he is provoked while drunk", then there is a problem! And it won't go away! Love and take care of yourself first! It is OK to be selfish! If my partner ever raised a hand to me, it would be the last thing he would do in this life!

God Grant you Peace and Blessings,

Bob

http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s

 

[petek]

Here's some of the fun things I had to put up with living for 3 years with an alcoholic 30 years ago.

Waking up in the middle of the night in a piss soaked bed. (he was so drunk he couldn't wake up to go to the bathroom)

Him coming home at whatever hour of the morning so drunk, barfing and pissing all over in our apartment.

Being woke up in the middle of the night with the SWAT team surrounding my bed, guns drawn, because he was a penitentiary guard and got so drunk at work while guarding a prisoner overnight in the hospital the prisoner escaped when he unhandcuffed him from the bed to go for a smoke. The police came to our apartment thinking the prisoner might be there as our car was stolen as well.

I packed my stuff and left. We've stayed in touch over the years. He tried starting over in another city years later but the drinking caught up with him. He was so drunk one night he burned his little house down being careless with a cigarette. He finally quit drinking when he had no choice, that or die.
It's too bad because he really was a sweetheart, never mean or nasty, he just couldn't stop drinking once he started. Anyways he's still alive but looks like shite, hasn't aged gracefully at all, just the opposite.

 

[rickr]

I have had several boyfriends that were substance abusers. You do have to watch out for them. I was with one guy for a few years in the late 1980's. He almost burned my house down one night, so then he had to live on his own.We stayed together for a couple years after he moved out. It hurt making him leave. He cried like a baby, and I felt horrible. He begging and pleaded with me to let him stay. He promised that it would never happen again. But I knew I could not let him stay. Because it would have put my personal safety at risk.
The last time I saw him he looked terrible. It was really sad, because he was a good guy, a great athlete, and was very good looking. This one looked like he was on skid row the last time I saw him.He must have been homeless. He was about 8 years younger than me, and he looked like he was 30 years older than me the last time I saw him. I really hated seeing him that way. I was just shocked.
Others boyfriends have not turned out as bad, however they would have done much better had they stayed sober. The susbstance abuse has ended many of my relationships. At a certain point I just knew when it was time for me to give up. I hated it, because I still love them. Sometimes you just have to walk away anyway.


My father was an alcoholic, and very abusive. Our house was always filled with violence. It was that way for as long as I can remember. My dad even beat my mother when she was carrying me.
I was away from home as much as possible when I was a kid. At 16 I had my first boyfriend and was hardly home at all after that. One night I did come home and my dad wouldn't let me leave again. It got very violent and he beat the living shit out of me and choked me. I left the house a bloody mess that night with only the clothes that I was wearing. I had just turned 17, and was just glad to be out for good. It was many years before I ever went back, I always hated being in that house.

There are things far worse than living alone Chad.
Don't ever let an alcohlic, or anyone, abuse you. You do not have to take that sort of thing from anyone.

 

[pturo]

My sister, who was married to an alcoholic, and later divorced, cannot even stand being at family gatherings that alcohol is served at, even if people are sipping champange or the 4 cups of wine at Seder, or a Memorial Day Barbecue with beer or marguritas. She thinks everone who drinks alcohol is a latent abusive person ready to beat the shit our of her or go cheating. Some people can handle alcohol and some people cannot. She does not get this...if you have a drink, you are an alcohoic in trainng. I love her, but it is hard to have her around during gatherings. I guess we should give her a free throw, her husband was found uncosious but alive after he hit a telephone pole, and the underwear found in the backseat were not hers. She thinks eveone who drinks is either a whoemaster or a whore. Otherwise, she is fun and enlighted person. I just wish I could convice her that alcohol is more like a tool, and very necessary for the creative process.

 

[DADoES]

<blockquote>I just wish I could convice her that alcohol is more like a tool, and very necessary for the creative process.</blockquote>I don't mean to be rude, but that must be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

 

[toggleswitch]

G-d bless us all. Everyone.

My heart goes out to everyone who has shared their story.

I too left home at 19 due to various mental afflicions that belonged to dear old dad. Luckily I come from the biggest city in the country and was able to work legitimately instead of doing what many teenagers have to do to eat and find shelter. I have no fear of "the 'hood" because such low-rent districts helped me survive in my time of need in my youth.

Ont the plus side, these experiences have helped mold me and make me who I am today. These experiences either make you or break you. That which does not kill you makes you stronger.

The whole "woe is me" routine turns ohers off after the first month, so I learned not to play it out or even THINK it.

Remember this "You cant do me unless I lay down first."
Screw me once shame on you. Screw me twice and shame on me!

I am hugely proud of each and every one of you/us who went through hell in a hand-basket and lived to tell of it.

Chad: is iy Homo Depot or bLowes that says "You can do it. We can help"

We don't choose or predilections, our obsessions, our vices, our orientation and many cicumstances of our life. We can only choose to make the best of what we are dealt, go forth fearlessley and maximize our lives to the fullest.

 

[panthera]

Toggles,

You can be so kewl sometimes wonder where the pod is...
Philip, I don't mind being rude:

I just wish I could convice her that alcohol is more like a tool, and very necessary for the creative process.

That is the biggest bunch of shit I have ever read. Would you mind explaining?
You do have my sympathies regarding your sister, regardless...here in Germany, nobody gets upset about a drink or two or three, but the first question when someone finds out I'm a vegetarian: "Health reasons or convinced?" Nothing, and I do mean nothing, is worse than sitting down to eat next to one of those horrid folks who natter on about "that poor dead cow" on your plate or how, by drinking milk, you are just perpetuating the myth that adults can digest dairy...and if you, gasp!, wear leather like I do (it sets off the feather so very well)...well, they'd probably like your sister's approach.

 

[perc-o-prince]

Hey Chad

So many have shared, cared and opened up to you. How are you making out?? Are things going smoothly?

Please do let us know.
Rich