Dealing with Alcholohism..

[exploder3211]

Ok, have a question for those of great knowledge... I am having a rough time dealing with this. My dad is 3 feet from that final airplane ride of life. He has killed him self with alchol, drugs and ciggertettes and living a very hard life. I can not stand to see my partener drink or party.. He doesn't get violent unless provoked while drunk, but still its very hard on me, as i am so very afraid of doing something to set him off, which happend with my dad. I am pretty sure that this will not happen, but still.. Right now we are at Bear Hunt in Myrtle Beach, which i am having some fun, but he is drinking and being social and trying to be attentive to me, but i am still very upset over the whole thing, as i don't want him to drink.. We just got "engaged" of sorts this past week so.... What do i do?? i have tried approching him with this but it seems to do no good, as i doubt he has a clue wth i am dealing with... I am in tears over this and not sure what to do... I love him with every bone in my body, and he loves me the same, but i am so lost... Help

 

[danemodsandy]

'Sploder:

Al-Anon. NOW.

Your partner's drinking habits are just that- HIS drinking habits. He will moderate them, or he will not; those things are up to him, not to anything you do or don't do.

Your mission is not to save him, because only he can do that. Your mission is to protect yourself, to be the best person YOU can be, and to act in your own best interests. If your partner chooses to come along for the ride, well and good. If he chooses to self-destruct, you will undoubtedly need to grieve about that- and you should- but you will be able to go on. If you do not take care of yourself, this person's alcoholism may become YOUR tragedy, too.

Al-Anon meetings will help you gain the understanding you need to cope with this problem. It's not so much about understanding the alcoholic, though some of that does come up. It's about understanding yourself and your part in the alcoholic's life. Are you there because you somehow NEED to be around an alcoholic? Are you re-living the alcoholic influences of childhood? Only you can answer questions like these, and only after considerable time around other people who have been there and done that.

Again, Al-Anon meetings are where you should be, at least a couple of times a week. Meetings are available in person, and online. I'm including a link to the Al-Anon site, so that you can locate the meeting closest to you.

Do not hesitate to email me privately, okay?

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

 

[maytagbear]

I concur 190000000%

with what Danemodsandy said.

My name is Lawrence, and I love many alcoholics. I no longer take their drinking personally. Some have sobered up, some still drink. A few have died. One of them, a man I loved when we were both in high school, died last week. Drunk.

You did not Cause their drinking.
You cannot Control their drinking.
You cannot Cure their drinking.

You can, however, learn to detach with love from their drinking and their chaos. This does not mean turning your back on them, but learning to love them in ways that do not affect you negatively.

Meetings are private, and free. There is a donation basket, but it is not required.

Lawrence/Maytagbear.

 

[angus]

Agreed - I have seen this with friends and you must help yourself . ONly he can help himself.

 

[perc-o-prince]

The only person that you can controll is...

YOU!!!!

( We just got "engaged" of sorts this past week so....)...I, personally, would find out what kind of baggage you will be carrying on your lifes journey before you embark on this next train. You may find it to be just a bit too heavy(dangerous) to carry at this time. Sound tough??? It's called self preservation I've been there, done that, bought the tee shirt and still have some scars(emotional as well as physical)!

Good luck and god bless!!!

Rich

 

[andrewinorlando]

Regardless of how much you love him or how you feel about him, it is faaaaaaaaaar better to be alone than it is to be with someone who is not the right person for you. And we all know, deep down in our heart of hearts, when a person isn't right for us. We just have to admit it to ourselves. Only you know the answer to that question. No amount of love or "I love you's" or kind gestures will EVER compensate for the misguided actions of one partner upon the other. It may sound cold, but, it is what it is. You can't hide from it; you have to face it every day of your life. If you can honestly say that it's okay, then great, you've got something to build on. If not, then you've got a lot of thinking to do. And I think everyone here will agree....drunkeness is no damned excuse for abuse heaped upon someone you supposedly love.

I'm single, been single for almost 10 years because I refused to sit still and accept the handfuls of bullshit my ex seemed to enjoy heaping on me. His loss....and he still regrets it to this day, but that's not my problem...my sanity and my self respect are.

Just my two cents worth.....

 

[vinvac]

Great Advice!!

My parents were both alcoholics and I can not agree more with all the advice given above. Andrew hit the nail on the head with his post.

As a child of alcoholic parents, I had to raise my two sisters and care for my grandmother as well. I sometimes wonder what I would have done if it had not been for my grandmother.

Alcoholics have a way of making others feel like their drinking is somehow your fault. Something you did caused them to pick up that next drink... WRONG!!!!

Tough Love is the best way to go...sometimes it takes them loosing something to force them to realize they are the one with the problem...not YOU!!!

You can not loose your self respect and your self worth thinking you can help someone with this problem.

Morgan

 

[vinvac]

Definition of an Alcoholic

An alcoholic is some one who may have one drink a year and if that drink causes them problems then they are an alcoholic.

My mothers doctors tried to convince her using this line...

It never worked.

 

[panthera]

Chad,

you know how much I usually think of political correctness and the psychological fad of the week:
Maybe 'cause my late husband was a cop working homicide...or maybe 'cause I worked two years in a crisis intervention center; dealing everyday with substance abuse and the results.
Whatever, just this once I AGREE with everybody who has written you.
I think it's great you love him, I am NOT saying "leave him".
I believe he loves you, too. Who wouldn't? You're cuddly warm and very affectionate.
That said...get the hell out of there.
Now.
Leave him a note:
When you are going to AA, let me know. I'm joining Al-Anon, now. If you aren't going to AA, don't contact me.
The reason I want you to go to Al-Anon? Simple. I want you to be safe.
My paws and whiskers, Chad...this is like the third time I've wanted to tear some man's throat out for hurting you. It's enough you're in tears and frightened. That's the time to GO.
Write me if you like, I'm sure I've got a heart in there somewhere...
Keven

 

[badata]

alcohol

guys............he said that his father was an alcoholic not his partner....he just don't like when his partner drinks.

 

[perc-o-prince]

He doesn't get violent unless provoked while drunk, ...

...but still its very hard on me, as i am so very afraid of doing something to set him off, which happend with my dad.


This sounds like a BIG problem to me!!! Just because there may be no diagnosis of the disease called alcoholism it doesn't mean that there may not be a serious problem or potential for endangerment. Chad seems to be reaching out for advice. He hasn't said whether his BF is abusing alcohol or is dependent on it. There is a difference. Both of these can be very painfull to those who choose to be with the drinking person.

I think that all of us are responding to a request for advice and help. At least that is what I read when he wrote "What do i do??" and "but i am so lost... Help"

Please correct me if I read this incorrectly.

Rich

 

[hoover1060]

I think you're right Rich

I did not read that Chad's BF is an alcoholic, just that he likes to party and drink.

I don't know what advice I could give here except to say Chad, sit that BF down and lay the cards on the table. I would definately NOT tell him to stop drinking, rather I would share the story of your father and how much the drinking hurts you.
If your relationship is going to survive, you must be up front and forward from the get go.

Speak the truth in love.

Good luck, we are all here for you.
Jeff

 

[andrewinorlando]

No one is saying Chad's BF is an alcoholic, and Chad didn't initimate that in his post, either. But you don't have to be an alcoholic to be a mean drunk. Whether it's once a year or once a month, if your partner is afraid or uncomfortable around you when you're stewed, then there is a BIG problem. If he can't resist the urge to party and drink, then I think we have a little problem with the bottle. Only Chad knows how severe, or not, it is. He didn't mention how often this behavior occurs. The bottom line remains....nothing can ever make up for the abuse heaped on one partner by another, no matter the cause. If this behavior causes that to happen, then in my book, you've got some decisions to make. I will never tolerate my BF or partner doing what Chad describes....EVER. Yeah, we all get mad, we all sometimes say things to those we love that we didn't mean to say. It happens. When it becomes a pattern, it becomes a problem. No one's perfect, and shit happens...but there has to be some reasonable expectation of physical and emotional safety in a loving and committed relationship.

 

[petek]

He doesn't get violent unless provoked while drunk

Who? your dad or you BF? If it's your BF then he has a drinking problem and is probably an alocholic. There's no blood test for alcoholism it's a series of personal actions/decisions all fuelled by alcohol. Problems at work, problems with his family, problems with his social life.. the problem is the alcoholic usually thinks or says he has no problem with it whatsoever and it's everyone elses problem, that's an alcoholic for you. That doesn't mean either that a person isn't an alcoholic because they can function beautifully at work, many do, and so they may say they're not an alcoholic because it doesn't affect their work. They nearly always deny it until it's too late. Or you'll hear the tired old "I can control it. I'm only going to have a few drinks on Saturday etc.. nothing else thru the week". It's all bullshit. Alcoholics lie. Alcoholism IS a medical disease. There is absolutely unequivocably NO, ZERO, NADA cure NONE! An alcoholic can NEVER EVER have even one more drink. Personally as you haven't too much time invested in this relationship I would bail out asap, if in fact it is the BF you're talking about. It's a miserable life living with an unreformed alcoholic

 

[toggleswitch]

Para encontrar el amor... Primero, debes encontrarte a ti mi

Violence?
I DARE you to try it.
Unless you are pounding my chest for CPR purposes...
Never. Which is short for NOT EVER.

~There's no blood test for alcoholism.

But it has been proven that blond-haired blue eyes people (amoung other groups) tend to have a genetic predsposition to crave alcohol and/or to beome addicted and alcoholic. So basically there ARE underlying compelling causes that can't be beat. The behavior itself however CAN be fought with a GREAT deal of willpower.

As all have said above this post in this thread, It's YOUR choice to put up with or to prevent yourself from getting abused. NOTHING and NOBODY is worth abuse.

The drinker/ druggie may say they have a lack of self esteem that gets them hooked, but don't let a possible lack of self-esteem in YOU allow you to put up with any of that nonsense in an alcoholic.

I am happy to read you are taking steps to ensure YOU don't fall into the trap of alcoholism, by what appears to be a very level-headed approach to it.

Please hear this as well. The use of alcohol and drugs may be the individual trying to self-medicate for the temprory boost in serotin levels it provides. I has also been shown that substance abusers tend to have lower levels than the average poulation. IIRC there are legitimate pharmaceuticals available to boost serotonin levels. These appear to effectively kill cravings. I highly recommend that those affected look into this.

and now to lighten this up a bit:

I seriously recommend that everyone eat a wide variety of foods in their diet. Not only is it healthiest and the most interesting, thing to do but I look at it this way: the one cheimcal/hormone by which I am "off" may be right there in that piece of _________.

So.......in conclusion, there is no shame in any condition humans experience. We are all here to learn spiritual lessons and get through obstacles and trials and tribulations. It is a huge sin however (in my simple little mind) to suffer needlessly. If one needs physical, spiritual, emotional or mental help, then GO GET IT!

Chad:
Love yourself first before all things. Know that you are worthy of love and that the creator/universe looks after you and all of your needs. We are only disappointed in life when our expectations are not met. So simply change your expectations. If it is better for you to be alone at this time-- do it. Alone is not the same as lonely

In my opinion, use your time and efforts to become the person YOU would date and marry. Then you won't have to chase anyone. The good ones will come to you.

My uncle used to say- engage your brain before your mouth. To that I add engage your mind concurrently with your heart

I send you light, love, peace, serenity and clarity of thought.

Please forgive my strong opinions. I come in peace.

 

[andrewinorlando]

Steve - as always, you hit the nail right on the head. BAM!

 

[toggleswitch]

*BLUSH*

Me and my big mouth.
Thank you sir.

 

[andrewinorlando]

Hell Steve, I wish I had a friend like you 13 years ago when I met my ex-husband, when I was young and in love!! Mighta saved me a little grief and aggravation.

 

[toggleswitch]

Negativity kills!

If you keep stroking it, it will swell. Awwww. Keep it up; as if my ego isn't big enough. HA!

My ex is of the mentality that "I can't because.........."
I fought like the devil to show him he CAN if he choses to.
As grandpa used to say "Just the DESIRE to do something is half the battle." I though it was ridiculous then. Now, it gets deeper as I mature.

HAPPINESS IS JUST A THOUGHT AWAY.

1-Thoughts lead to
2-emotions. =>
3-actions. =>
4-results.

This is reflected by the four suits in the Tarot cards-

1- clubs/wands
2- cups
3- swords
4- coins (pentacles)

CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS-
ALL ELSE COMES OUT OF THIS!

 

[selectomatic]

I can only add to what others have said.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.

You've been through something horrible with your dad, and that makes you understandibly unhappy about people who get drunk.

I don't know your BF, and I can't say whether he's an alcoholic. I will advise you to find out before you go too far in your relationship.

Before you get too involved (probably too late for this advice, but here it is), take some time to step back, discuss things, and be sure.

I drink a fair amount, and so did the man I decided to spend my life with. We've had a lot of fun times together, and we've thrown some kick-ass parties. After a while, though, the problems outweighed the fun. And the bills outweighed the income.

Facts are, I'm able to control my drinking to a reasonable extent, and he isn't. Between his alcoholism, his clinical-depression, and other such things, he is unable to maintain a functional level in our society if he's drinking and not taking his medication.

Sometimes he finds this to be very frustrating. Why can't he have the same fun as everyone else? The answer? Because that's how it is. End of story. Bitch all you want, but it won't change anything.

I don't know whether your BF is an alcoholic or not. I doubt that you're a good judge of such things, due to your personal involvement. I do know that I'd never want to subject anyone to the horrors I've been through over the last 19 years, but then I'd hate to have missed out on the good times.

I hope that you make the right decision. I hope that you follow your head and your heart each in its due proportion.

-kevin

 

[Robbytuck]

Children of Alcoholics

Chad

My heart goes out to you as does all of the others who have posted in this thread.

I would like to add one thing for you to consider. You and I are "Adult Children of Alcoholics". Growing up in the dysfunctional chaos of an alcoholic family, we were hardwired in our life-view.

We are:
People pleasers and neglect our own needs.
We either become or marry alcoholics or both
Personal criticism is taken as a threat
We live as victims.
We are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold onto a relationship so that we won't be abandoned emotionally
like we were as children.
We become addicted to excitement in our lives, preferring c
constant upset to workable solutions.

I spent several years in therapy because of the emotional and physical (including sexual) abuse that both of my alcoholic parents inflicted.

As part of my healing, I found "Adult Children of Alcoholics" which is a 12 step program and was the "Sunrise" in my life.

If your BF "gets violent...if he is provoked while drunk", then there is a problem! And it won't go away! Love and take care of yourself first! It is OK to be selfish! If my partner ever raised a hand to me, it would be the last thing he would do in this life!

God Grant you Peace and Blessings,

Bob

http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s

 

[petek]

Here's some of the fun things I had to put up with living for 3 years with an alcoholic 30 years ago.

Waking up in the middle of the night in a piss soaked bed. (he was so drunk he couldn't wake up to go to the bathroom)

Him coming home at whatever hour of the morning so drunk, barfing and pissing all over in our apartment.

Being woke up in the middle of the night with the SWAT team surrounding my bed, guns drawn, because he was a penitentiary guard and got so drunk at work while guarding a prisoner overnight in the hospital the prisoner escaped when he unhandcuffed him from the bed to go for a smoke. The police came to our apartment thinking the prisoner might be there as our car was stolen as well.

I packed my stuff and left. We've stayed in touch over the years. He tried starting over in another city years later but the drinking caught up with him. He was so drunk one night he burned his little house down being careless with a cigarette. He finally quit drinking when he had no choice, that or die.
It's too bad because he really was a sweetheart, never mean or nasty, he just couldn't stop drinking once he started. Anyways he's still alive but looks like shite, hasn't aged gracefully at all, just the opposite.

 

[rickr]

I have had several boyfriends that were substance abusers. You do have to watch out for them. I was with one guy for a few years in the late 1980's. He almost burned my house down one night, so then he had to live on his own.We stayed together for a couple years after he moved out. It hurt making him leave. He cried like a baby, and I felt horrible. He begging and pleaded with me to let him stay. He promised that it would never happen again. But I knew I could not let him stay. Because it would have put my personal safety at risk.
The last time I saw him he looked terrible. It was really sad, because he was a good guy, a great athlete, and was very good looking. This one looked like he was on skid row the last time I saw him.He must have been homeless. He was about 8 years younger than me, and he looked like he was 30 years older than me the last time I saw him. I really hated seeing him that way. I was just shocked.
Others boyfriends have not turned out as bad, however they would have done much better had they stayed sober. The susbstance abuse has ended many of my relationships. At a certain point I just knew when it was time for me to give up. I hated it, because I still love them. Sometimes you just have to walk away anyway.


My father was an alcoholic, and very abusive. Our house was always filled with violence. It was that way for as long as I can remember. My dad even beat my mother when she was carrying me.
I was away from home as much as possible when I was a kid. At 16 I had my first boyfriend and was hardly home at all after that. One night I did come home and my dad wouldn't let me leave again. It got very violent and he beat the living shit out of me and choked me. I left the house a bloody mess that night with only the clothes that I was wearing. I had just turned 17, and was just glad to be out for good. It was many years before I ever went back, I always hated being in that house.

There are things far worse than living alone Chad.
Don't ever let an alcohlic, or anyone, abuse you. You do not have to take that sort of thing from anyone.

 

[pturo]

My sister, who was married to an alcoholic, and later divorced, cannot even stand being at family gatherings that alcohol is served at, even if people are sipping champange or the 4 cups of wine at Seder, or a Memorial Day Barbecue with beer or marguritas. She thinks everone who drinks alcohol is a latent abusive person ready to beat the shit our of her or go cheating. Some people can handle alcohol and some people cannot. She does not get this...if you have a drink, you are an alcohoic in trainng. I love her, but it is hard to have her around during gatherings. I guess we should give her a free throw, her husband was found uncosious but alive after he hit a telephone pole, and the underwear found in the backseat were not hers. She thinks eveone who drinks is either a whoemaster or a whore. Otherwise, she is fun and enlighted person. I just wish I could convice her that alcohol is more like a tool, and very necessary for the creative process.

 

[DADoES]

<blockquote>I just wish I could convice her that alcohol is more like a tool, and very necessary for the creative process.</blockquote>I don't mean to be rude, but that must be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.

 

[toggleswitch]

G-d bless us all. Everyone.

My heart goes out to everyone who has shared their story.

I too left home at 19 due to various mental afflicions that belonged to dear old dad. Luckily I come from the biggest city in the country and was able to work legitimately instead of doing what many teenagers have to do to eat and find shelter. I have no fear of "the 'hood" because such low-rent districts helped me survive in my time of need in my youth.

Ont the plus side, these experiences have helped mold me and make me who I am today. These experiences either make you or break you. That which does not kill you makes you stronger.

The whole "woe is me" routine turns ohers off after the first month, so I learned not to play it out or even THINK it.

Remember this "You cant do me unless I lay down first."
Screw me once shame on you. Screw me twice and shame on me!

I am hugely proud of each and every one of you/us who went through hell in a hand-basket and lived to tell of it.

Chad: is iy Homo Depot or bLowes that says "You can do it. We can help"

We don't choose or predilections, our obsessions, our vices, our orientation and many cicumstances of our life. We can only choose to make the best of what we are dealt, go forth fearlessley and maximize our lives to the fullest.

 

[panthera]

Toggles,

You can be so kewl sometimes wonder where the pod is...
Philip, I don't mind being rude:

I just wish I could convice her that alcohol is more like a tool, and very necessary for the creative process.

That is the biggest bunch of shit I have ever read. Would you mind explaining?
You do have my sympathies regarding your sister, regardless...here in Germany, nobody gets upset about a drink or two or three, but the first question when someone finds out I'm a vegetarian: "Health reasons or convinced?" Nothing, and I do mean nothing, is worse than sitting down to eat next to one of those horrid folks who natter on about "that poor dead cow" on your plate or how, by drinking milk, you are just perpetuating the myth that adults can digest dairy...and if you, gasp!, wear leather like I do (it sets off the feather so very well)...well, they'd probably like your sister's approach.

 

[perc-o-prince]

Hey Chad

So many have shared, cared and opened up to you. How are you making out?? Are things going smoothly?

Please do let us know.
Rich