Divorce at an older age

[jons1077]

I typically never air my dirty laundry on a website but I'm finding myself in a somewhat difficult situation that I'm not sure I expected to be in. My parents are finally going to split after 34 years of marriage. It's not that I'm surprised necessarily but it's difficult now to deal with even though I'm 32 and far away. I tossed and turned all night just thinking about it.

I'm honestly glad that they are doing this. It's a marriage that has always been very one-sided and just seemed to exist only for the sake of staying married. I sort of joked to Tony about this last night saying "I hope this doesn't turn in to an ugly custody battle of the kids" but in reality I really hope it doesn't.

This is such a large group on this site so I'm writing this hoping that some of you out there have experienced parental divorce at an older age and could perhaps share some insight and experience with me. I have a feeling it's going to be a long road for them and probably not a pleasant one either.

Thanks for listening.

J

 

[rp2813]

Is it amicable? If so, that's worthy of your support. If it's ugly, then you might find the tables turned on you and could witness some childish behavior.

Bottom line is, if after 32 years it's the right thing to do, let it be.

 

[panthera]

Don't take sides

No matter how one-sided it seems to be.

My brother (who, admittedly is a bigger jerk than the nastiest blue-rinsed queen could ever dream of being) has been married and divorced to the same woman three times.

Currently, they are married.

Every time they divorce, the family chooses up sides. Her mother took his side the last time, my family (who knows him) took hers....

They then got back together and the fur really flew.

Listen to everybody, be neutral and hope for the best for all.

Good luck - I'm sorry you all have to go through this.

 

[tomturbomatic]

I am sorry for this trauma in your family's life. In reading about the Gore's breakup, I read a joke that, thankfully, does not apply to you.

A couple in their 90s was getting a divorce. When asked why they were doing this at such an advanced age they replied that they did not want to divorce before the children died.

Offer your condolences, refuse to take sides unless one is an absolute ogre and make sure that nothing you want is sold, smashed or thrown away before you arrange to either pick it up or have it shipped. Remind then how important new wills are and tape you name inside things you want. You can justify your mercenary attitude on the trauma of them destroying your security by breaking up your family unit.

One night when I was in college, I fell asleep in someone's apartment and did not wake up until about 5 AM. I quickly drove home and got in before my mother emerged from her room. I was in my bathroom getting ready for school and she stood outside the door yelling that she and my father were getting a divorce. I replied through the door, "Good, but don't try to blame it on me." Well, that threw water on the blaze. They did not divorce and their Walpurgisnacht of a marriage endured until my father died.

 

[andrewinorlando]

Just know that it has nothing to do with you, and that it's really their own problem. Be honest with your feelings...if one of them is acting like a jerk, tell him or her that. It's not a contest to see who is right or wrong; obviously this has been coming for a long time if it is a one sided marriage. Sometimes, the biggest problem with parents is that they think their kids are stupid and don't have minds of their own. Well, we do, and we're very capable of sizing up the situation and drawing our own conclusions independent of what they say, think or do, based solely on what we see or experience within our parent's relationship. Refuse to be bullied or intimidated by either one if they threaten to withdraw their parental "affections" for you if you should be supportive of the "enemy". Hopefully it won't degrade into that kind of a childish battle. They have to understand and respect the fact that you're an adult and you have your own life, your own thoughts and feelings about the situation, and that you're all not going to necessarily agree. Bottom line, divorce isn't fatal. They'll all be fine once it's all over and some time has passed, but ultimately, that's totally up to them.

 

[frigilux]

Unconventional advice: Here's a way to guarantee they won't mess with you during the divorce proceedings.

Go to their house and scream, yell, threaten, throw things, and smash the hell out of something replaceable. Act like you've come completely unglued. Don't take sides; aim your vitriol at both of them.

I assure you they will not be any trouble to you for quite awhile. I know from experience this method works wonders.

Good luck!!

 

[mixfinder]

It Never Becomes the "Right" Time

I left my wife after 29 years of marriage. Our four children were all gone from home, the youngest was 21. It was pretty calm in the beginning, the kids supported their mom in ways that made me proud. I felt and believed they'd be in my camp and didn't worry that angles. Three years later I criticised my son in law's parenting by yelling at the little girls. My daughter came unhinged telling me how I never supported her mother and how unfair I was to my wife. She let me know right or wrong she was standing by her man. It led to a discussion of the family dynamics and who to navigate a positive ending to the situation. My daughter Kati who was 28 at the time said she felt I had taken "home" from the kids. No matter how old they were there was a belief "home" would always be there for holidays, visits and respite. Divorce is never seamless and it's impact is different for each child, friend and family member. The worst thing a parent can do is put the kids in middle, make snarky comments about the other in front of the children or create a playing field that requires choice. I have put more effort into letting go of little injustices, being a better parent and finding ways to be more supportive of my wife. It becomes a question of whether you want to be the one who walks your daughter down the isle and creates familial connection or try to prove you were wronged or that you are right. Family becomes much more important than the marriage and divorce.

 

[appnut]

I"m sorry Jon, I know it still hurts.

 

[mtn1584]

My wife wanted me to leave after 17 years of marriage, I was devastated, I was losing my family, my home, my security, the life I felt so comfortable in. We have three children, they too were devastated, my daughter hasn't spoken to me in over three years, I am thankfully very close with my sons. I am sorry to say that divorce has brought out the worst in me, I don't trust anyone any more, I haven't been in a relationship since my divorce, and I am devastated over my relationship with my daughter, not to mention that I have a lot of animosity towards my ex wife . My daughter has taken her mother's side, my oldest son has taken my side, and my youngest is too young to know the difference. I am really sorry to hear about your parents, in essence, it's the end of your family as you know it. I think it is inevitable, and human nature, that no matter how well your intentions are, you will probably take sides, and that will hurt someone, one way or another. I wish you well, and hope you remain strong throughout this mess.
Mike

 

[jons1077]

Thanks guys...

I feel selfish for even being upset because I know none of this is about me or because of me. As hard as I try to not take sides I really can't help but do it just a little. I'm not going to divulge all of the details of my parents' marriage and why I feel more sided to one than the other but it's a well-founded feeling. I've honestly known for most of my life that my mother was unhappy in many ways things weren't going to change. I feel I've encouraged her to do this and I know I have encouraged it. I can't imagine doing this at almost 60 years old and I hope I never have to. I just feel it in my gut that she's doing the right thing and she feels the same way. I called her and talked to her for a while this morning. She's a mess of course but I wanted her to know that I'm proud of her and it takes a lot of guts to do what she's doing. My dad sent out a mass email to his family, myself, and my partner Tony. Aside from all of the details he expressed his wish to be left alone for a while so I have not spoken to him yet.

I'm 2,000 miles away from them. I honestly have no clue what else to do except try and be supportive and not encourage any bad behavior. I've encouraged my mother to seek an attorney as soon as possible and get this over with as quickly as possible so it does not drag on. The sooner the better because right now it just seems to be agony.

I know it will all work out for the best one way or another but it's just killing me inside. I feel like I'm getting a divorce. Kelly, you really hit a nail on the head when you explained what your daughter said about having "home" taken away. That is truely what I'm feeling right now. It is a very uncomfortable feeling but one that I will learn to deal with like so many other things.

I can't thank you all enough for reading my thoughts and sending me warmth. I know it's all for the better.

J

 

[sudsmaster]

Here's my take:

Be thankful that your parents provided you with a stable and hopefully happy childhood home until you were old and ready enough to branch out on your own. After that, it's their lives and their right to decide what it best for themselves.

Probably best to be neutral: you can be supportive without taking sides. And don't feel guilty. It's no more your fault they are splitting up than it would be their fault for any relationship issues you might have as an adult. If either one wants to play the victim, that's their problem not yours.

Remember: you can't always control everything that happens around you, but you can control how you react to it.

 

[jons1077]

Agree

That's pretty much my take as well. I sent my dad an email just letting him know I'm here when he's ready to talk to me. I'm supportive of both and just want it to work out the best way possible.

 

[frigilux]

What?! No screaming and yelling and smashing things? What's with all the maturity around here all of a sudden?!

Jon, it is what it is and it will be what it will be. I think it's amazing most marriages survive as long as they do. People often grow apart from each other, but stay together for the sake of the family, or out of habit, or not knowing what to do/who they will be when things change.

Your parents will probably need to lean on you, each in their own way. Hopefully it won't be too divisive. It's natural for you to feel devastated; you're mourning a great change in your immediate family. Take care of yourself, and look out for your own emotional health, OK?

You always have plenty of ears and shoulders here at AW when you need us.

 

[toggleswitch]

Here is what I learned about life when I was a tax-accountant.

For your tax return, you may deduct anyone who was a dependant BEFORE your divorce (even an in-law) as a dependent AFTER your divorce, as long as all the regular qualifying conditions are met.

Bottom line: only the spouses are divorcing each-other. In the eeyes of the law, if you were family by marriage before you are still family after. This is good advice.

Don't take sides. Don't judge, Don't assume anything. There were bitter fights over 'so-and-so is not your uncle (tio politico en espanol) anymore'. ARE YOU KIDDING?


PEACE BE WITH YOU. As long as egos don't get involved and the attitude of financial entitlement as compensation for unmet emotional (or physical) needs doesn't arise, all will be fine.

My ex and I had to share a house for three years after our "divorce" as we tried to sell it. It was fine. We ate together every night and I cooked for his tr-- er dates. It was just much easier to stay in the routines which were already evolved to be the most efficient way to do things.
We did well as roomates and friends and helpmates when the partnership had to die. I figured we each had to deal with tons of bullshit, so why should either "side" play the martyr?

I must stress that no one should ever take sides in any divorce. Only the spoon that stirs the spaghetti knows what is going on at the bottom of the pot!

Depending on another person to bring us fulfillment, happiness, good finances, etc, is in and of itself wrong. It is double wrong to be angry when these things are EXPECTED and don't happen.

You don't buy a couch or a car or a house and expect it to serve your (ever-changing) needs/wants/likes forever do you? Then how do you expect a person you select in your 20's or 30's when you have not fully evolved yet be perfect and forever?

We all tend to want to believe in the Cinderella story, but dears it is a MYTH, a fable, a fairy-tale.

The only thing that never changes in life is that there will always be change.

 

[pulsator-power]

Just try to be there for them no matter what- your mom and dad will always be your mom and dad. Don't take sides - be neutral! Try to hang in there the best you can- it can't be easy- and no matter how far away you are from them, it will hurt just as badly. I hope your partner supports you 200% cause you'll need it.
Jerry