Do you speak "office speak"?

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mattl

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I got a laugh out of some of the "office speak" in this story. My favorite is # 43:

43. "After a reduction in workforce, my university department sent this notice out to confused campus customers: 'Thank you for your note. We are assessing and mitigating immediate impacts, and developing a high-level overview to help frame the conversation with our customers and key stakeholders. We intend to start that process within the week. In the meantime, please continue to raise specific concerns or questions about projects with my office via the Transition Support Center..."

BBC NEWS | UK | Magazine | 50 office-speak phrases you love to hate

news.bbc.co.uk news.bbc.co.uk
 
I'm surprised my favorite office word wasn't even mentioned:

"Proactive"

Many years ago I worked for Applied Materials, and on one occasion we actually had a meeting to discuss developing a plan of meetings to organize our meetings. No lie.
 
In the ongoing pursuit of excellence, all team members are enabled to be engaged in a proactive paradigm which ensures that customer satisfaction, top-flight bottom line performance, and total quality management are seamlessly integrated into a world-class enterprise, which delivers consistent high-quality shareholder performance.

We will achieve this synergy by working smart and thinking outside the box, while practicing a JIT procurement process. Furthermore, while rightsizing may be deemed to be necessary, all team members will be given a forum to share input, whether it be face-to-face, or through an online community which employs shared resources for optimum results.

For more information, please see your human resources team member, or consult your peer group lead.

(wow, that made me kind of dizzy. I think I'll have to go lay down for a while...)
 
My colleagues and I

give our Business English 101 students a list of 'Business Buzz-Words' at the beginning of each semester.
Should they feel the need to use one or more of the words on this list in writing their final exam or term papers, it has to be in context and be unambiguous.

The MBA students have the most trouble eliminating the bull-shit English from their vocabulary (surprise, surprise), the engineers the least.

Someone commented here recently that the culture of the MBA which began in the late 70's has done enormous harm to the business world. How right they were. Good thing we don't choose our leaders on that basis.

Oh, wait...
 
I am so so glad I'm retired now. Just reading those examples above were so on the mark the bullshit the company I worked for spouted. It was enough to make me want to puke. All that shite about workplace diversity, visions, corporate values, blah blah blah ad nauseum. Silly posters, team leaders, team this, team that, crapola.
It's like the Human Resource folks at every company in N.America attended the same seminar and were all brainwashed.
 
I think the most bizzare term I've heard was one that referred to layoffs as "decruitment."

And speaking of which, I've been decruited myself and my last day of work, after 17 years with one of the biggest sources of "officespeak" known to man, will be Friday. I'm not too worried as I will get a severance package that will see me through the remainder of the year at least, and I need this time to devote to settling Mom's estate and selling our place. It's been a whirlwind for the last month and if I was working (I basically have been skating for the last 60 days as the company gives the decruited that much time to find something else, but since they are decruiting so ruthlessly, nothing has panned out) I would be stressed out beyond belief with all that's going on.

Things happen for a reason. And the company will be calling me back at some point. They are expecting a strike next spring so I'll hear from them at that time if not a whole lot sooner. I've got benefits through my partner as we are RDP's and I was added to his, so that is not an issue. I can go back to my old employer as a contractor if I want.

Meanwhile there's lots to be done at two households. And I need to be taking a proactive approach to both.
 
blabbity blah blah blah

I've heard the word "Proactive" alot when I worked in an IT department. "We need to be proactive in maintaining our network infrastructure..." blah blah blah blah.

I used to go home everyday feeling like an adult (yikes)

I'll quote my old Cajun grandmother on this one...
"I don' know all dem big words"
 
'Ramping Up' when used in the workplace context of increasing output makes me wanna scream. 'Outsourcing' is irksome as is 'Cascading Information'
 
What is worse--

This nonsense is escaping.

Our new minister has renamed "Church Growth" to "Church Marketing."

I like him, but I remain skeptical.

George Orwell's masterpiece 1984 was all about this, though he called it "Newspeak," and it was from the government.

"Freedom is Slavery" is one example.

I also blame, and I do mean blame, Madison Avenue and television.

</rant>

Lawrence/Maytagbear
 
Spend a week

in my office. Everything must be "PC" to the extreme. Makes for a very sterile enviroment.

I have to turn in a "daily activity report", three copies to be kept on file, one sent via email to my supervisor, a hard copy to be kept on file and one on the server. The subject line for the daily report sent email must read: Daily Activity Report-Date-my intials which looks like this; D.A.R.06-18-2008GJ. A bi-monthy recap report must be sent also as well as an end of month report, all in triplicate of course.

We have no personal political opinions. We do not express personal opinions of any kind in the office or in public areas.

We smile at all times when working with the public.

We have a clean desk policy. No personal item of any kind on your desk.

Any correspondence sent out must be proofed by at least 2 colleagues and approved by the supervisor. Two copies are to be kept on file which are time/date stamped.

Personal calls are not allowed -period. No cell phones in the office or public areas.

If you have an emergency please schedule time to deal with the situation in the most effective manner possible without disruption of the unit.

Colleagues are to be addressed respectively as "Mr. Ms." (Mr. Jarrell, Ms. Smith) while dealing with the public. You will never refer to a colleague by their first name when in a public area. And only by their permission in the office areas.

When answering a question from the public regarding internal procedures always begin by saying "In order to better serve the public, our policy is.."

Instructions given by the team leader or supervisor may not be questioned. Period.

Your scedule will be assigned by your supervisor but is subject to change at any time depending on the needs of the department. You will comply with any changes as required.

If you have an emergency or need help from security do not contact them direct. Please contact your team leader or supervisor and inform them of the situation. They will decide if it is an emergency or not. The supervisor will contact an assistant director to ask permisson to call 911 or other emergency help. This keeps all levels informed of the situation.

Any team member observed in noncompliance of any policy is to be reported to the respective supervisor immediately.

No team member may contact human resources direct without permission of the department supervisor.

Our dress code is very conservative now since we have a new Secretery of State. Nobody in my office really talks to each other anymore. You can hear a pin drop when you walk in the office area. Everybody keeps a low profile and stays in their cubicle. To the public we look like a well ordered machine. Behind it all it's like being in a military camp where you stay to yourself because you don't know if you can trust the person at the desk next to you.

I have always enjoyed the actual work I do but I will be very glad to put this place behind me.
 
Last night I was watching "Don't Tell Mom, the Babysitter's Dead". Shameful, I know, but it is such a good movie!

Anyway, the favorite "business buzzword" in their company (GAW) was "interface", used in place of the term "meeting". They were trying desperately to "prove themselves to New York". Great movie from 1990.

Bryan
 
Jeff, I wish

my office could be that easy going. Gov. and security do not make for a relaxed working atmosphere. I miss the old staff. I and my partner are the old staff now. The rest have retired. The new staff has advanced degrees and some real serious attitude. I have observed some really mean spirited behavior. They go after each other with venom.

The new broom sweeps clean they say.

I am the old broom and they tend to leave me alone -I know where the dirt is.

And I keep it to myself.

Besides, new brooms get dirty without realizing it -untill to late.
 
I remember a college professor many years ago complaining about the way memoes from his administration were handled. They'd send out the "official" memo, which no one--I repeat, no one--could understand. Then, a week later, a "reminder" memo would be sent out, in simplified English. If I remember right, this professor got into the habit of just waiting for the simple memo, since he never could quite figure out the first memo. Even though, ironically, he was in the English department, and taught several writing classes.
 
Newspeak

Wasn't that part of Aldous Huxley's Brave New World?

It's been a long time since high school for me and my brain has fogged over so my apologies if I'm wrong about this.

Corporate America and corporate culture in general have become very ugly. It's all about shareholders and the bottom line at the expense of the employees. I have lost all respect for the CEO types of the world. Even HP, a very employee-focused Silicon Valley pioneer corporation, went ruthless once Carly Fiorina got her hands on the wheel. Nobody is safe and nothing is sacred anymore.
 
MBA = Mean Bear All the time!

We have a lot of newspaper ads for people to go back to school for an MBA program but they never tell what subjects you take or what you will learn there but you "move up in the company". Everyone I have known who has one of those degrees is a total unhappy grouch. A store manager at a department store I worked at, it was known that he had an MBA but he knew nothing about clothes. I did take a few business courses (college, not graduate level) and they were mean!.

I would never let my son or daughter major in business. If they wanted to study Shakespeare instead, I would let them, as they could always be a Shakespearean actor/actress.
 

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