No Secret's
I was reared in an extremely legalistic fundamental Christian house with lots of beatings and threats, a pedophile for a grandfather and lots of oddness in my childhood. I tire for all my life to our pray, out run and out think anything but being a "good" man. I married a very nice woman and we had 4 children. I tired always to be good and do right. Inside I hated every one and anyone who wasn't as uptight and moral as I made myself be. More and more my wife realized I would do anything to keep the peace and "earn" my position as a married with the children I wanted. It just got worse and worse until I'd sold my soul, was docile as a puppy and so full of rage its a wonder I didn't explode. It was the alcohol the dulled the pain of the heart, the mind and a body that was falling apart. When I quit work and we had to move and get rid of everything that connected us to the earth I went to the lowest point. More manipulations since I was home 24 hours a day. It wasn't a conscious choice to quit. It was an unearthly out of body experience. I looked at the glass in my hand and said, "It isn't worth dying for." I was afraid I wouldn't make it. I prayed, but with power not begging. I went to an acupuncturist and asked to be treated for addiction. My wonderful Doctor told I wouldn't make it without help and I went to a therapist who specialized in addiction treatment. We never talked about "it", only why I did it. The layers came off the onion and deeper we went. I came out a year later and left in August of 2004. I was headed for happy valley, had my first real gay date in August of 2005. In September of 2005 I was diagnosed with cancer and given 2 years. A month later I found a tumor on my testicle. I was looking for a place to learn how to "cuss in tongues" because the words I needed to utter to express my anger and hatred to God had not been invented. The therapist and Peter directed me to a cancer support group as well as a married gay father's which morphed into the gay father's support groups. I also found a venue to permanent spiritual healing, and acceptance in God's eyes as Hid Beloved Child and Creation. I stopped criticizing God's judgment in my creation and accepted it was as I am I was intended to be. My love for my children, for Peter, for God, my friends and for life became exponential. Beginning in 2006 and into 2008 I participated in an experimental chemo therapy. The last treatment on April Fools 2008. I have been in remission. I had a serried of surgeries to stabilize my spine and I am doing very well. In it all I never once considered drinking. Everything that drove me to the bottle is gone, in check or re thought. Without feeling, cheated, persecuted or so terrible alone, I learned to let go of the judgment and criticizing the behaviors of anyone but my self. It was like getting a credit card. I swiped it once to see if it worked. If the triggers of the past were gone. Would love and abundance continue to flow into my life? Every time I swipe the card it works. My trust and confidence in the Laws of Circulation, Attention, Equivalence and Love are unshakable. What the mind processes is what the body and the universe manifest. If I die today, I got to have it all. I am like a television connected to cable for the first tine. Alcohol is in my house 24/7. I serve it guests. I have never had a drink. have no interest in tasting or ever wanting that crushing tired and exhausted life alcohol caused. I can't say how ell I'd done if I didn't have a rock solid relationship. I know I'd have struggled without the therapist. I was clinically depressed which manifested as aggression. I had no idea as I expected depressed people to be passive. The stories in my head, the grinding noise of my mind going at full peak and the triggers were disarmed with Effexor. I no longer take it and I have been okay. There is perfect pathway to treatment. Had I had money I would have jumped at a chance for in house treatment. My wellness is a symphony of blessings, awareness and rerouted thought processes. I finally disarmed my 13 button. The wailing, pouting, irrational 13 year adolescent that screams and danced for everyone enjoyment. The 13 button is broken. My family used to mash on it and wonder what happened. I am forever changed, but it was all in me, about me and my work to do. In my every moment I listen to know if it is my time to share my story or offer resources. I cannot tell anyone what to do. But I can share a miraculous story of a 58 year old man who came from nothing, had it all, lost is all and realized the valuable possessions in life cannot be bartered or lost. Love, acceptance, and being the object of someone's desire after all these empty years makes me weep if I speak the name of God, Peter, my children, my friends or the wonderful memories and links that have become the tapestry of my life. Memories are the perfect gift. They come in any size and color, always fit, cannot be returned, gain value each moment and only I have the password. They will never be breached. If you care to go to face book and see Kelly Beard, its all laid out, my faith, my family, my love and my friends. An amazing network that spans the globe. The song you can click on, "When I pray speaks it so eloquently. 54 years squandered and 4 years more glorious than I could have ever comprehended. I am forever changed. If I could give any gift to the world it wouldn't be wealth, peace or healing, I would wish that everyone knows what it is like to be loved.
