Protcol on attending a Shiva

[retro-man]

Will be attending a Shiva Monday evening. Have been reading up on line in regards to this. I understand dress as one would for a funeral, just enter the house no door bell or knocking. Do not address the mourners until they address you. No conversations, do not eat the food unless addressed to partake. Are there other things to know and things not to do. This is my 1st time taking part and total different from a wake and funeral that I am used to. Appreciate input.
Thanks Jon

 

[tomturbomatic]

You probably have found most of this. It is a mitzvah to go to a house of mourning.

http://www.aish.com/jl/l/dam/48970361.html

 

[volvoguy87]

Some experience here...

There are many traditions, but the observance of different aspects can vary from one family to another. Food is important in my family, so there tends to be a lot of it. For some reason, top-shelf tequila is also involved in my family, even though we generally aren't a tequila crowd. Food served is traditionally dairy based, so no meat. Pastries, baked goods, bagels, kugel, egg salad, and similar things are common.

Don't get too wrapped up in tradition and rules. Above all else, Shiva is a time of mourning and reflection. By attending, you are showing your support and respect to the family and friends of the deceased, as well as to the recently-departed. Shiva is a sort of group therapy for everyone who knew the recently-departed, so go and lend your support to those around you, and accept theirs as well.

Enjoy the link, humor is important,
Dave

http://https//www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rei0ExKQJM

 

[danemodsandy]

Dave's Right:

Every family has its own traditions about sitting shiva, so your best bet is to go in a respectful, quiet mood and take your cues from the family.

In case anyone is surprised to hear this from me - not everyone with "Mc" in front of their last name is a goy.

 

[tomturbomatic]

About the food: Unless you know to the contrary, assume that they keep kosher, so unless you can bring something sealed with the heksher on it (like the U in a circle for Union of Orthodox Congregations or the star with a K in it)stating that it is kosher, don't bring food. The food is primarily for the family, not the guests. If you wish and if you can get to a kosher grocer, you could ask them to suggest what would be good to take. Again, you are performing a real mitzvah by going. You are a real mensch.

 

[retro-man]

Thanks all who replied for the addition information. He has been involved with his temple for many years and many capacities. She was also involved with the temple. She also had a kosher kitchen. She is the one that passed this week. She went in for a leaky valve in her heart and had a major heart attack in recuperation and was on breathing assistance but the heart just gave out. She was such a wonderful person inside and out. This is not going to be an easy time.
Jon

 

[tomturbomatic]

I am sorry for the loss to you, the family, the community and humankind.

 

[tomturbomatic]

Nu, how was it?

 

[retro-man]

Well it was an interesting experience. A lot of symbolism. There was the table outside near the front door with a pitcher of water and paper towels. Was not used because this is to clean ones hands after the funeral. She was buried Friday on Long Island. The house and it is a large house had about 150 people in it. When I opened the front door it was anything but quiet. Everyone was having conversations and mingling about. 4 grandchildren running about. Walked through the living room to a hallway that enters into the kitchen that enters into the dining room and family room. The kitchen on one counter had a complete bar set up with mixes and another counter had a large assortment of wines. The kitchen table and dining room tables were completely covered with a large assortment of food and deserts. Interesting they had removed at least one piece from each tray indicating that you were welcome to feast. The Rabi appeared and the place went silent. We were all given yamakas to wear. We all faced east and he lead all through prayers for about 15 minutes. When he was finished conversations resumed. I guess this is how these are done now at a less formal shiva. I am sure the one they had on Long Island was more the traditional since it was the place of the burial. Since her parents are in their 90's and still live in their house. Its a shame they had 2 children and have buried them both. One from diabetes and one from heart problems. Was a very enjoyable time and was not as strict from what I had read previously. Was nice to see so many people mourning and remembering her. Was also nice to see so many people that I had not seen in years. Her husband and son were wearing the black ripped cloth on their shirt over their hearts. Neither had shaved since her passing, but I believe all had been showering lol.
Jon

 

[tomturbomatic]

Thank you for the report

Tradition calls for a "rending of garments" upon hearing of the death of a loved one. Reform practices allow for wearing a ripped piece of cloth pinned to the clothing. Generally it is a lapel that is cut, but why ruin a good suit?

The reason for washing hands after the funeral is two-fold. First, cemeteries are ritually unclean because they are a place of death. Second, mourners at a funeral shovel dirt onto the coffin. Jewish funerals make it very clear that death is final; none of this waiting for everyone to leave before the coffin is lowered and no fancy coffins. The coffin has to be made of wood without decoration put together without nails so that the dust can return to the earth. There are no flowers to try to make death pretty. Eggs are traditionally served to the family upon returning from the cemetery because their shape has no corners and no beginning or end, like immortality.

I hope that you enjoyed the spread.

 

[jamiel]

Thanks for the fact about eggs for mourners...I knew that the Shiva trays which the delis around here offer are heavily based on egg salad.

 

[tomturbomatic]

Love egg salad & have it on weekends spread on salted matzo

Eggs are parve as long as there is not a spot of blood in the yolk indicating fertilization which makes it as meaty as the chicken that laid it. Parve means that it is a neutral food, like vegetables and grains, neither meat nor dairy, so egg salad is a safe offering with meat or dairy platters. Kosher fish is also parve, so many dairy platers with cheese and sour cream-based offerings can also offer traditional delli fish offerings: nova lox, herring, sable, whitefish and spreads and salads made from them along with tuna salad, giving good sources of protein and a satisfactory eating experience.