Togs, you are inherintly Good, in spite of yourself!
I spent years trying to find fulfillment, elsewhere.
A few brushes with theraspeak said, "You must first love yourself" I heard that as conceit. I had brothers who loved themselves so much they were insufferable.
Finally, in recovery, three years ago at the age of 52, I began the shift into first accepting and then liking who I was.
It was not instant and God knows when I am challenged, I still work not play the tapes and scripts of the past.
No one else can give acceptance and self love to me and conversely, no one else can take it away.
At 54, after all the hard work of sobriety, therapy, coming out, divorcing, leaving behind financial security, and opening myself to the scrutuny of family and friends, I was diagnosed with cancer, that has proven to be untreatable.
I was so rage filled, at the injustice of it all, I could barely exist, let alone give words to the anger and begin to work through it.
I had made the decision to do the hard work, for a chance to know, in my life time, what it felt like to be authentically loved. And now, who would want a relationship with a middle aged, broke, neurotic and soon to be necrotic man.
Life is filled with amazing demonstrations. For me, in every instance, I had to move myself out of the road, to allow them to happen.
I did get the chance to know love. As blabbledy mouthed as I am, even I stuggle to find words to adequately express the wonder of being loved and how exponentially in permeates every fiber of my life and enhances every experience.
The capitol T truth, was love was in me and about me, the whole time. It was not "given" to me and it can't be "taken" from me. I am finally free and independant in the power of who "I" am.
Looking at it now, I can say, Cancer has been a blessing. It forced me to accept living in the moment.
I can't change what was and reliving it over and over in my mind does not ever lessen the pain and humiliation I felt.
I can't worry about what will be either.
The tragedy, for me, would be to spend one thought in the past or the present and miss something happening right now, that is sweet and good and feeds my soul.
I am able to be part of the community of support at Gilda's Club, the National Chronic Pain Foundation, Cancer Care Alliance, Camaraderie, Gay Fathers, and CSL where I use my knowledge of the sytems as a Path Finder for men, who feel isolated, alone and afraid.
So now, you can better understand why playing with appliances and the people who use them is such a joy and respite for me.
Togs, as I read the archives, I see your nasty self showing up as the Master of Lexicon, Double Entendre and Biting Wit.
And sneaking though it all is the heart of a very insightful and generous man.
I love you,
Kelly