dirtybuck
Well-known member
(I hope you all like this tongue in cheek ditty I came up with...comments are appreciated.)
Hello, my name is Malcom Hawkins, and I'm a assistant oil executive for Exxon-Mobil.
As you may have noticed, gas prices are starting to inch up higher and higher than what they were last winter. Last year, we hit high profits with gas going over 4.00 a gallon for a few months. My bonus check was quite a delight to myself and my family for the Christmas season. We all got what we wanted, and more.
However, I, other oil execs and even some stock holders are somewhat skeptical that the checks this year will NOT be in the same zone as last year. Some financial analysts are saying that gas may only peak a bit over 3.00 a gallon by the end of this summer (depending on where you live).
PLEASE! I (and other oil big wigs) BEG OF YOU! KEEP UP YOUR DEPENDENCY ON GAS! My daughter wants so badly to go back to school in January at one of the preppy universities sporting a brand new BMW! It's against my will to let her be seen by her friends and fellow classmates in her "shoddy" '08 Toyota Solara. It served her purpose at that time (she was a junior in high school), but at this point, she deserves much better.
My son is already hitting me up for a top of the line laptop Mac, Ipod and IPhone, as well as a top of the line Sony video camera. I bought him a (GASP) HP laptop two years ago, which he absolutely detests! I've learned NOT to make the same mistake twice!
My wife and I would like to take our THIRD trip around the world. She is also begging me for more Botox sessions and breast enlargement. As for me, I want a new speed boat, that's only a mere 8,000.00. I also want to keep my psychotic gay lover stocked with the latest street drugs his suppliers can give him, so that our sex sessions will be more exciting and fulfilling (I'd like to give him a solid gold crack pipe, AND WITH YOUR HELP, it just may happen).
The "excuse" that's being used now on gas prices is that OPEC is cutting production, due to a surplus of crude oil and refineries as well having a surplus of gas. NONSENSE!! We, the oil execs, are entitled to what we want, and gouging the consumer by raising gas prices is how we plan on getting it.
FORGET ABOUT ECO AND GOING GREEN! FORGET ABOUT CARS THAT GET 30, 40 OR EVEN 50 MPG! FORGET ABOUT PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, CAR POOLING, SCOOTERS AND WALKING. We are "leading" other countries in obesity, and we should stay that way.
PLEASE!! WE BEG OF YOU! Go back to using cars, trucks, SUV's and other forms of transportation that only get up to a "whopping" 15 mpg (I mean, it's better than 10)! Forget about not being able to afford gas or even meals for your family...we're sure you'll manage somehow, even if it means cashing/dipping into your CD's or 401K's.
WE'RE COUNTING ON YOU, AMERICA! Please, don't deny my family, other oil exec families or even the stock holders, the "happy holidays" that we so rightly deserve. Remember, we are only a little over six months away from Christmas! Do your best in making our dreams come true!
Thank you for reading this and for your time and support in this crucial endeavor. God Bless You!

Hello, my name is Malcom Hawkins, and I'm a assistant oil executive for Exxon-Mobil.
As you may have noticed, gas prices are starting to inch up higher and higher than what they were last winter. Last year, we hit high profits with gas going over 4.00 a gallon for a few months. My bonus check was quite a delight to myself and my family for the Christmas season. We all got what we wanted, and more.
However, I, other oil execs and even some stock holders are somewhat skeptical that the checks this year will NOT be in the same zone as last year. Some financial analysts are saying that gas may only peak a bit over 3.00 a gallon by the end of this summer (depending on where you live).
PLEASE! I (and other oil big wigs) BEG OF YOU! KEEP UP YOUR DEPENDENCY ON GAS! My daughter wants so badly to go back to school in January at one of the preppy universities sporting a brand new BMW! It's against my will to let her be seen by her friends and fellow classmates in her "shoddy" '08 Toyota Solara. It served her purpose at that time (she was a junior in high school), but at this point, she deserves much better.
My son is already hitting me up for a top of the line laptop Mac, Ipod and IPhone, as well as a top of the line Sony video camera. I bought him a (GASP) HP laptop two years ago, which he absolutely detests! I've learned NOT to make the same mistake twice!
My wife and I would like to take our THIRD trip around the world. She is also begging me for more Botox sessions and breast enlargement. As for me, I want a new speed boat, that's only a mere 8,000.00. I also want to keep my psychotic gay lover stocked with the latest street drugs his suppliers can give him, so that our sex sessions will be more exciting and fulfilling (I'd like to give him a solid gold crack pipe, AND WITH YOUR HELP, it just may happen).
The "excuse" that's being used now on gas prices is that OPEC is cutting production, due to a surplus of crude oil and refineries as well having a surplus of gas. NONSENSE!! We, the oil execs, are entitled to what we want, and gouging the consumer by raising gas prices is how we plan on getting it.
FORGET ABOUT ECO AND GOING GREEN! FORGET ABOUT CARS THAT GET 30, 40 OR EVEN 50 MPG! FORGET ABOUT PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, CAR POOLING, SCOOTERS AND WALKING. We are "leading" other countries in obesity, and we should stay that way.
PLEASE!! WE BEG OF YOU! Go back to using cars, trucks, SUV's and other forms of transportation that only get up to a "whopping" 15 mpg (I mean, it's better than 10)! Forget about not being able to afford gas or even meals for your family...we're sure you'll manage somehow, even if it means cashing/dipping into your CD's or 401K's.
WE'RE COUNTING ON YOU, AMERICA! Please, don't deny my family, other oil exec families or even the stock holders, the "happy holidays" that we so rightly deserve. Remember, we are only a little over six months away from Christmas! Do your best in making our dreams come true!
Thank you for reading this and for your time and support in this crucial endeavor. God Bless You!
