Am I an awful friend?

[kindalazy]

After reading through some of the posts here, I appreciate the vast differences in opinion about topics, and could use some advice.

My closest friend, who I've know since high school some (ugggh) 25 years, is a divorcee with 3 kids. She has been seeing a married guy for over 2 years, which in itself bothers me, but, I'm attempting to remain non-judgemental and have commented little.

One day this past summer, she decided to set a boundary with this married guy (who, has been leading her on) and he assured her that he would leave his wife by November 1st. After lengthy, numerous discussions, her and I worked out every scenario if he did or did not separate by this date. I'm talking every conversation we had between those 2 dates were focussed chiefly on this topic, and everything else was secondary.

Well, the date came and went. Of course, nothing happened, and the situation remains the same. Typically my friend has exhibited this pattern: She gets pissed off that she's the other woman, he gives her some bullsh!t excuse to comfort her, she's okay for 2 weeks and the pattern begins again.

I'm exhausted from this. Time is the most precious thing I have to give, and so I told her, I've had enough, and don't want to discuss that situation anymore, and that we have enough other stuff to talk about. She was insulted, and came down hard on me for not being supportive, and can't abide by that boundary I set forth.

So, yesterday I told her unless she respects my request, to not bother contacting me, so to save her the tension (that was beginning to build as a result of her not discussing her situation for 1 week) and to respect my time.

Am I bad? I feel like I am letting her down, but I find it an energy drain having the same conversation for over 2 years and it going circles, therefore wasting my time. Yet, I feel a bit guilty.

Be as brutal as you like, I appreciate honesty.

Thanks,
J.

 

[panthera]

Well, J.,

She's between the devil and the deep blue sea. You have every right to set hard and fast limits and - by keeping to them - to make clear the difference between you and the jerk.

I would not, however, abandon her completely. Friends are really needed when times are bad.

I'm going to put in my own two cents here -
1)If he'll cheat on him or her for you, he'll cheat on you for her or him.
2)This is one of the oldest stories in the book. Of course he can't leave her "right now". Why should he? He's got all the advantages of a wife at home and a lover out. Gee, imagine that and he's not even bi-...that's how most of these stories start, when people I know tell them.

 

[toggleswitch2]

Remember the man is ALWAYS wrong in the head of the female.

Here is the biggest simplest truth:

Everyone is EXACLTY where they want to be in life, or they would change it.

Women talk (about their feelings) to VENT- it is a release for them. Talking for a womna is "love"; for a man it is "noise" unless it has a point.

Women get annoyed that men offer them actual practical"solutions". Here is the deal, women are not asking for solutions- they want "support".

So even when my female family memebers say "what should I do?" I have learned that the answer is "You know I hear from your words that you already have a solution deep in your heart and that if you follow your insticts this will end/resolve tiself the best way possible."

It works for me.

 

[kindalazy]

Thanks

Panthera and Toggleswitch2.

Panthera, you're correct, and I've expressed your sentiments several times during our numerous conversations...

Toggleswitch2, I understand what you're saying, and have taken that approach. Often I say: "you know what you have to do" "follow your instincts" etc. Repeatedly.

Having said that, I don't mind listening to different topics, ideas, issues, but I've been listening and supporting the same exact issue for a few years now. It's just become tiresome, a time waster, and it's getting me down lately...

Thanks again,
J.

 

[panthera]

Toggles,

I was falling pretty hard and pretty fast many years ago for a guy. One day, I found condoms in his drawer on his side of the bed at his place. Strange, I thought - too small for me and he was a total bottom...

Yup-yup, a brief but thorough look through his big appartment showed me, he was cheating on me with a woman. He wanted her for all the socially acceptable family stuff and me for the fun.

Well, sweet, charming royal bitch that I am, I gave him one last round of jollies. Left my definitely larger than his condom under the bed and a letter to his lady-friend with his nosiest elderly neighbor, together with 50€ to make sure she'd pass it on.
She did, the lady read it, found my 'evidence' and I learned my lesson. He's still screwing around on her, bi- the bi-.

Gah, J. - how much you wanna bet he's also double-timing her and his wife?

 

[aquacycle]

"Talking for a woman is "love"; for a man it

I kind of resent this comment a little. Me and my best friend (also female) discuss absolutely EVERYTHING with eachother. She's been going through man troubles a LOT recently and I've listened to everything she had to say, and given as much advice as I can, even if it means repeating myself. I know, given if the situation were the other way around, she would to the same for me...and has in the past. Even though she has spent the last 6 weeks banging on and on and on about it, I still listen and still give my advice. I think sometimes, giving brutal advice is better than giving none at all. Personally, I would never EVER tell my best friend not to bother contacting me because I absolutely love her to bits - she's like my sister and I couldn't cope without her. I would, however, glady tell her to STFU and do something about it. I have to be really brutally honest with her sometimes, even if it means yelling down a megaphone "LEAVE THE BASTARD!" directly into her ear hole. But she knows I'll tell her the truth and expects me to be brutal about it now. She does the same for me.

 

[runematic]

Talking for a womna is "love"; for a man it is &qu

Toggs, I understand on this one. Sometimes for men when the woman is going on and on, it's kinda like the teacher in the old Peanuts cartoons. wah wha wha wah wha wah. Just noise and some "yes" or " no" or "um hmm" thrown in to make it look good. lol

 

[yogitunes]

Sometimes you have to be brutal to get your point across.....

I have a sister that was beaten by her husband every 14 days, I say 14 days cause it ALWAYS happen on a friday night of the weekend I had off, she would come over with kids in tow, black and blue, crying, upsetting my household for the whole weekend, DIDN"T want to hear about calling the police, or advice of leaving him, and then go back Monday morning like nothing ever happen.....

She may have not had enough after 8 months of this, BUT I HAVE!!!.......DON'T GET ME WRONG...I love my sister dearly and hate seeing her and the kids go thru with this, SO I gave her the advice that "she must like it to keep going back"...and you might as well keep you bags packed and go home right now, My door is always open if you want to take action and leave him and have him arrested, SO she left, went home, waited for him to come home, DRUNK, and PLOWED him with a 13ich CAST IRON skillet in the face, busting out all his teeth, she spent the weekend home from there on, Never a peep out of him ever again....

Sometimes you have to put it to them straight, sh-t or get off the pot, it gets bothersome for the same story over and over, asking for advice and never following thru....just let them know YOU ARE A FRIEND IF NEEDED, and you hate seeing them suffer and you can't do anything about it, we all know what we would do in these situations, but the actual victim is confused of the future....but after a while they need to get up and make a stand for whats right.....

Tell you something else I did.....helped her get a car, I cosigned, but even the bank knew of him and refused the loan, we came to the agreement, I would co-sign, the car would go in Hers and My name only!.....one night before she took action as above, before her tore into her, he pulled the distributor off so she couldn't leave....Imagine his suprise when I showed up with the POLICE...with the title and MY name on it, signed complaint, I'M NOT PLAYING GAMES!!!...Put my car back together and never touch it again!!!....You may have power over her, but with me YOUR butt is going to JAIL....

J. ... Maybe you need to send a letter of some sort, unknown, to the wife!!!Your enemies enemy is your friend in this case....you could help your friend and her not even know it, just know in the back of your mind what a great friend you are by helping a friend who is suffering, and something needs to be done...

 

[kindalazy]

Funny you mention his wife

Yogitunes, I was at one point (I think last year) contemplating sending his wife an email.

What stopped me was:

1) It would be hurtful to her, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

2) On some level, I figure she must know.

3) Who am I to send his wife anything?

So, I abandoned my idea.

I appreciate your (and everyone's) input, and hope your sister is doing well. The scary thing to me about your sister's situation, and my friends to a much lessor degree, is the examples that are being set for the kids. Sending a message that violence is okay, physical and mental abuse is to be tolerated, just will put those kids on the wrong track.

 

[toggleswitch2]

Sorry boys, I wasn't trying to be rude, nasty or judgemental.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I'm not saying either way is right or wrong, just different.

As my grandpa used to say the female mind is uncharted and un-navigable. It is the greatest mystery of the planet. Centuries later and still men are lost there.

That perhaps is the whole allure; mystery.

 

[dogboy44]

Nothing wrong with setting boundries

We have some choices as human beings, your friend sounds like she enjoys the drama. there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you asking her to change the record once in awhile. if it is all about her, she is not leaving much room for you. as a rule, men don't leave their wives in affairs like this, and if he did, well, I don't know how happy I would be to don the label of homewrecker. he is there just for sex, men will say anything to get sex. we all know that! please trug on, but do it guilt free

 

[yogitunes]

Believe me...the tides have turned.....SHE is in CONTROL, of the house and the money and the kids...which I am very proud of her...they own a home, have 2 cars, and doing great, her daughter is an xray tech at the hospital, and her son is in the Air Force in Germany right now, heading to Iran....you couldn't ask for better for her or the children....I was there for her and the children, were very close, and the children, although I have several nieces and nephews know their the favorite, they been on vacation with me and travels to amusement parks, excellent manners compared to many kids, never a problem out of them, and yes It could have turned out bad for them with mental issues on many levels, but I think it really was good to take them out and stay with me during the hard times, they didn't want to be home, and my house was always a SAFE place for them to come, a phone call away....thats probably why I have a calling to have adopted the 2 I have and foster many others.....I don't want to go crazy babbling about this, but I am limited on the amount of kids I can help thru fostering, rules are 6 kids total limit no matter how big your house is(7 bedrooms).....but if anything kids just need stability during rough times....dinner time at the table is probably the highlight of the day when kids feel special to share and tell you about their day....the smallest things mean the biggest to them....

but I know what its like to want to help and can't do anything about it, but that you have been there shows what kind of person you are...inside and out...best wishes for you

 

[panthera]

Given that we now know that

straight women and gay men share the same brain structures (both the good and the, hmm, 'other') I'm talking Toggle's statement with a grain of salt.

I, personally, see nothing wrong with letting the wife know the bastard is cheating on her. Screw him, he's hurting at least two women and all this bullshit about self-determination is easy when you're in the stronger position. Not so easy otherwise...if he'd been cheating on me with a man, I bet I'd have been D-U-M, dumb enough to overlook it, too.

Men who cheat on their wives or husbands will cheat on you. It's a simple fact.

Personally, I object to physical violence. Given the circumstances, I would, however, have signed a big insurance policy on the jerk, waited out the lock-out period best I could and then done him in such that it was a (sniff, throwing veil back to dab the mascara running down my cheeks) purely tragic, natural, death...and, anyway, I was out of town at the time.

 

[toggleswitch2]

Ooops I didnt meant to cut it off.

Vera Donovan to Dolores Claiborne

"Sometimes, Dolores, an accident can be an unhappy woman's best friend."

 

[toggleswitch2]

~he is there just for sex, men will say anything to get sex. we all know that! please trug on, but do it guilt free

Men use love (or any other manupulation) to get sex.

And women use sex (or any other manipulation) to get love.

 

[thomasortega]

This thread made me think about a situation that started yesterday...

 

[danemodsandy]

J.:

You stated a boundary, your friend made the decision to cross it. While I think you should be as supportive of her as you've been, you do not have to be supportive of her decision.

I suggest you re-define your relationship with her as "days off." Meaning, when she's around you, she's getting time off from the troubles she's caused herself, and therefore needs to enjoy other aspects of your company besides telling you all the troubles emanating from her decision to stay in a problematic relationship. If she wants to go to a movie, have dinner, etc., then that's fine. If she wants to weep and moan over the situation she has chosen, that should be your cue to say, "catch you later," and leave her to her tsuris.

She has made her bed. Don't you lay in it.

 

[tomturbomatic]

As a youngster, I was puzzled when I would see two married couples going somewhere in a car. The husbands sat up front to talk together and the wives sat in back to talk together. I guess that is a hint as to why most same-sex couples seemed to have fewer communication problems than people in mixed marriages, according to a study published a couple of years ago. I think I read it in the Washington Post.

 

[mr_jms]

Tell your friend to read the book titled "Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever" by Judith Shindlin. It is a real eye opener!