Dumb joke thread

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Q.Did you here that Rosie O'Donnel past away today?

A.They said she drowned!

They found her face down on Rickey Lake!!

Somebody else who past away a while ago was Orville Reddenbacker.

They said that his son came over to see how he was and as he noticed his Dad was stretched out on the kitchen floor,he went over to him and yelled

"POP!,POP!,POP!,POP!"

If Cher had an identical twin sister,they'd be known as---------------------------------------------------------------------Cher and Cher alike!

Q.What's the difference between a cat and a sentence??

A. A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a sentence has a pause at the end of its clause!

Q.What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer??

A.The taste!

Q.What is true love??

Ray charles and Hellen keller playing tennis!
 
Q.What's the difference between a refrigerator and a homosexual?

A.Refrigerators don't fart when you pull the meat out!

Q.What's black and white and red all over?
A.A nun during her period.

Q.What's the difference between OOOOH! and AHHHHH!!! ???
A. About 9 inches!

Q.How did Hellen Keller burn her right ear?
A.She answered the iron.
Q.How did she burn her left ear?
A. They called back!

Q.What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. How the hell do you breathe through that thing??

Q.What's the difference between meat and fish?
A. If you beat your fish,it dies.

Q.What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A.When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new Mercedes.
 
The obligatory breast joke

Fresh from the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

“How long will this take?” she asks.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

She stops and asks “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
 
The IRS Audit!

With tax season approaching I thought you all might appreciate this. Keep
it in mind with doing your taxes.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a local hospital.. While the IRS agent was checking the books he
turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of
bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little
left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box
of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package
of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all
the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."!
 
Confucius Say----

Woman who fly upside down have crack up.

Man who go to bed with itchy asshole wake up with stinky finger.

Man who go through turnstile naked get to bangcock many times.
 
Here's my bad jokes of the day!

(No offense of course to anyone :)

Q: What do a lesbian & a mechanic have in common?
A: They both have "Snap-On" tools.

Q: How do you fit 4 gay men onto a stool?
A: Turn it upside down.

Enjoy!
 
If women with large breast work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work?

A: I-Hop!

gives new meaning to "tipping" your waitress

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?...A: Mega-sore-ass
Q: What do you cal a lesbian dinosaur?...A: Lick-alot-a-puss

Q: How do you know if your house was built by lesbians?...A: No Studs....All tongue in groove

no offense....just some humor
 
New House

Did you hear about the two lesbians who built a new house? Not a stud in the place. They did the entire project tongue and groove using Snap on Tools.
 
We already know how to get 4 gay men onto a bar stool by turning it upside down.
Q.How thoough do you get them off?????

You jerk one off and the other three come!!!
 
Q.how do you know when you're in a gay church?
A.only half the men there are on their knees,they're playing the male organ and saying"Ah men!"
 
.
Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?
A: Wth a crowbar.

Q: Did your hear about Nikos? He weould'nt leave Greeve to go fin dopprotunities in America.
WHY?
A: He couldn't leave his little bothers behind.

One farm mother was socializing with another farm mother at the fence of two neighboring farms. One day Sofia says to Irene, "Yes I caught your son diddling my daughter not long ago." So the mother of the female says "BAAAAAAAAAAAAH?"

(That means 'Oh REALLY, I'm surprised." in Greek).
 
Q.Why do farts smell so bad?
A.So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Q.How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A. They left the plunger in the toilet.

Q.Why did so many people die in Waco,Texas?
A. They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Q.How does a 2 year old make their finger dance
A.They put a little buggy in it.

Q.How do you tell the Italian planes from the others at the airport?
A.They have hair under their wings.

Q.What do 8 cups equal?
A.4 bras!

Q.How do you tell when a woman has let a fart?
A.Her ankles swell.

Q.Why did Helen Keller wear tights?
A.So people would be able to read her lips.

Q.Did you hear about the rubber that hit the ceiling?
A.It got pissed off!

Q.what's"FEE FEE FIE FEE FIE FOO FOO?
A. Mike Tyson's phone number

Q. Why does Mike Tyson always cry while making love?
A.You'd cry to if someone was spraying tear gas in your face!

Q.How do you keep kids from jumping up and down in bed?
A.Put Velcro on your ceiling.
Q.How do you get them down?
A.Get some more kids,blindfold them and tell them it's a Pinata

Q.Why are pool tables green?
A.If you had that many balls and people were hitting them with a stick all day,you'd be green too!

Q.What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
A."Can I push in your stool?"

Q.What's the most popular pick up line in a Lesbian bar?
A."Your face or mine?"

Q.What's O.J.Simpsons favorite Holiday of the year?
A.Thanksgiving, because he's real good at cutting up white meat.

Q.How many Branch Dividians can you fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A.Two in the front,two in the back and the rest in the ashtray.

Q.What did the vacuum cleaner say to the fan?
A."Blow me!"
Q.What did the fan say to the vacuum cleaner?
A."You suck!"

Q.If Princess Diana were alive and well today what would she be saying?
A."Get me out of here!!!!"

Q.What's green and slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A.Kermit's finger.

Q.What did Madonna's left leg say to her right leg?
A.Nothing.They've never met!
 
A Greek man is having a conversation with an Italian man:

"it was the Greeks who perfected sex!"

"yes, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
 
The Greek Husband

A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day; but the she doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t want to.

Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says

"No, my father said I don’t have to do this."

Her husband says ‘OK, that’s fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."
 
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman,
2 French men and 1 French woman,
2 German men and 1 German woman,
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,
2 English men and 1 English woman,
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman,
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman,
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman,
2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman,
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman,
2 American men and 1 American woman.

One month later, the following things have occurred….

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.
 
HEAVENLY REFERENCES

Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, "I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes."
"And what is your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Penny," the man replies.
"Penny?!!" shouts St. Peter. "You Jews are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"

Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. "I've been a devout Catholic throughout my life, attended church every Sunday, and always gave generously to the collection plate."
"And what's your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Brandy," the Irishman replies.
"Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"

With that, the Greek guy turns to his wife and says,
"Fanny, I think we have a problem..."
 
One day a little boy and a little girl were arguing over who had what.
I have new rollerskates the boy would say. So do I said the girl.
I have a new bike said the girl. So do I said the little boy.
I have something you don't have said the little boy and opened the front of his pants.
The girl knowing she didn't have one ran home crying. When her sister asked her why she was crying she told her.
The sister then whispered something into the little girl's ear that made her happy.
The next day when the little boy saw her he said I got something you don't got, I got something you don't got.
The little girl says so what and lifts up her dress and says
I've got one of these, and with one of these you can get as many of those things as you want.
 
A couple of riddles:

Q. What goes in hard, and comes out soft and sticky?
A. A stick of chewing gum.

Q. Whats brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Q. What's small, yellow, and very dangerous?
A. A canary who has your computer's root (or administrator) password.
 
One day, Adam says to God, "God, I'm lonely, can you make another person for me?"

And God said, "It is not good for man to be alone, but it will cost you an arm and a leg"

And Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?"
 
Just got this email of St. Patrick's Day jokes--too funn

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
> home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
> weaving violently all over the road.
>
> A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver,
> 'where have ya been?'
>
> 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
>
> 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a
> few to drink this evening.'
>
> 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
>
> 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and
> folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections
> back, your wife fell out of your car?'
>
> 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there
> I thought I'd gone deaf.'
 
Harley Davidson

A guy really wants a 883, but he has not money enough for a brand new one.

So he gives a glance to e-bay everyday.

Finally he finds a bargain.

It looks brand new, despite it's rather old
The seller after taking his money tells him :

"just remember to spread some vaseline on the chromes when it's about raining" and gives him a vaseline tube.

The happy guy, proud of his latest purchase, goes to his new girlfriend's house for the very first time to have dinner.

The girl tells him
"be aware we have a rule : that very one who will speak first during dinner also will wash up everything"

"Ok, no problem"

They enter into the hall, there's a mess of soiled pots ....

Then she introduces him to her parents and to her young aunt. Lots of smiles but no words ....
The dining room is a mess of dirty dishes and glasses

They sit down and start managing with forks and knives.

The guy thinks "wanna know how they'd behave if I scr**ed her". After the first shy approach to the girlfriend they do it. No matter, both parents and aunt keep on eating.

So he thinks "Let's try it with auntie ..." Again no word, nobody cares.

Now he stares at mum who's still a beautiful woman "Let's try with her too ..." and goes on. Same story again.

While they are having their coffee it starts thundering.
The guy pulls the vaseline tube out of his pocket ....

..........and dad says :

" C'mon !! It's my turn to wash up today !!"
 
Lady walks into a hardware store to buy a hinge. She finds what she wants and is looking at the small appliances on the way to the counter. Salesman walks up to her and asks, "Hey, lady. Want a screw for that hinge?" She thinks a second and replies, "No, thanks, but I'll bl*w you for that toaster?!"

Chuck
 
Guy finds ut he's being audited by the IRS, so he calls his lawyer and they have a meeting before audit day.

The guy and the lawyer walk into the auditor's office.

Auditor: Mr. Jones. You show an income of $354,000 but you don't list any occupation. What do you do?

Jones: I'm a very accomplished bet maker.

A: I find it hard to believe that you can make that much money making bets.

J: I'll prove it. I bet you $2500 I can bite my own eye.

Knowing his mouth can't reach that far, the auditor takes the bet. Jones takes out his glass eye and bites it. Jones wins $2500. The auditor is not terribly happy.

J: Tell you what. Double or nothing I can bite my other eye.

Since Jones can see, the auditor figures he's safe because Jones can't have 2 glass eyes, and takes the bet. Jones takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The auditor is distraught.

J: Tell you what. I'm a fair man. I bet you I can stand on one end of your desk and piss in the trashcan on the floor on the other end of the desk without getting a drop on your desk. Double or nothing.

The auditor surveys the situation carefully. He's thinking there's absolutely no way Jones can do this, and takes the bet. Jones gets up on one end of the desk, whips it out, and procedes to urinate. He can't quite reach the trash, much less keep from getting the desk wet, and urinates all over the desk. The auditor is absolutely thrilled. However, when he looks at the lawyer, he realizes the lawyer is crying.

A: Mr. Lawyer, why are you crying? I just got out of a $5000 bet with your client.

Lawyer: Yeah, good enough for you. But yesterday, Jones bet me $25,000 that he could come in here today for the audit, piss all over your desk, and you'd be happy about it!!!!!

C
 
Effie tells Ephus that there's a problem w/ the outhouse and he needs to take a look.

Ephus: I don't see a problem here.

Effie: Well, you have to look real close to see it.

Ephus looks closer,

Ephus: I still can't see the problem.

Effie: You have to stick our head in the hole to see the problem.

So, Ephus sticks his head in the hole.

Ephus: Phew! I still don't see the problem.

Effie: Well, you have to stand up quickly to see the problem.

Ephus: YEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Effie: What's wrong, dear?

Ephus: That crack in the seat snagged some of my beard hairs and yanked them out!

Effie: Hurts, don't it?
 
Since we're in the gutter

(as told by my grandpa and my dad a long time ago)
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'll bet you a beer that I can fart the loudest in Texas."
The bartender says, "Ain't no way you gonna come in here sayin' you can fart the loudest. But let's hear what you can do"

So the man gets on top the bar, drops his pants and craps all over the bar.

The bartender says, "Hey man! I thought you said you was gonna fart!"

The man says, "Well, yeah, but even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before he sings"

Ok, here's a REAL Cajun joke.

Boudreaux's wife was watchin the TV and she saw dem purty girls take a milk bath. She says to Boudreaux, "Boudreaux! I wanna take one a'dem milk baths."

So Boudreaux calls the milk company and says, "Ma wife wants to take one a dem milk baths like on tv. Can you send a truck ova here to fill da bat'tub?"

The guy on the other end asks, "No problem, Mr. Boudreaux, would you want that milk Homogenized or Pasteurized?"

"Oh no, I need just enough to cover her ass, she can pass it in her eyes herself if she wants to."
(you have to get how Cajuns talk to understand)
 
stuck in the wrong place

Boudreaux went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I can't hear nuttin' out ma right ear."

The doc looked in his ear and said, "Boudreaux, I found the problem. You have a suppository in your ear."

Boudreaux says, "OH! Well, now I know where I put my hearing aid!"
 

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