Laundromat, I understand what carrying the guilt for the death of a parent can feel like. My mom didn't take her own life, but died suddenly two days before Xmas, after calling and begging me in tears to come home for Xmas. I was in another state, struggling desperately to keep a small café I had opened earlier that year alive. It was the first year I would not be "home for xmas" and the situation with the restaurant was critical (partners had abandoned me, and I was doing everything by myself, waiting/cooking/busing/cleanup/everything...10 tables), so I couldn't close it down and leave for the "holidays", or else I wouldn't have been able to keep the thing going.
She called me on Dec.22, begging me to come home, and died the next morning. I carried the guilt from that for many, many years...I felt like I had "killed her" by telling her that I couldn't come home. I spent years beating myself up and telling myself that it was all my fault and that I should kill myself to make up for it...that coupled with the fact that I could in no way stop my dad from marrying her "best friend" that she had also called to beg me to prevent him from doing, I was pretty much emotionally crippled for a long time after. It was only after my sweetie and I got together that I began to heal from the whole thing.
Please know that all the guilt and blame that you've felt don't belong on your head. You have the right to hand those things back to the person to whom they belong, and not carry them around anymore. I actually was able to find some healing after visualizing my Momma (who I miss terribly, too) in front of me and gently, but firmly telling her that it wasn't my fault she died, and it wasn't my fault that dad married that woman, and that I couldn't carry these burdens any longer, and that I was giving them back to her. It took many years to get to that place, and a good therapist to help me see things in a different way.
My heart still hurts every time I think of my mom, but I have found ways to honor her memory and be more at peace with it all...one of those is to make the Thanksgiving dinner just the way she used to, for just me and my sweetie. It's been many years since all this happened, but I can finally make that turkey and dressing with some peace in my heart. I still, however, can't deal with Xmas in any way, shape or form. And certainly can't go to my dad's house to see "that woman" in Momma's place.
I hope that you can find some ways to be at peace with your pain and not blame yourself. Please be good to YOU. Know that you are loved.
