Irreconcilable Differences

[gadgetgary]

Ron........

Your kind words touched my heart a while back when you asked about the Flea Market in Rhode Island. Nothing can stop the hurt and loss that you are feeling, but, I truly believe that things happen for a reason.
A Big (((((HUGG)))) from Connecticut Ron and keep looking ahead to brighter days.

Gary & 'Gaylord'

 

[panthera]

what remains at the end of the day

Hi Ron,
Hope the love and care you are seeing here is some comfort to you. We don't know each other - except through the posts here - but I thought about you as I promised I would do.
Saw a very old and dear friend this evening. We have known each other for over 20 years. His partner left him eight months ago, without explanation.
He told me something this evening which, I believe, is of value to you. The love and affection he felt (and feels) for the man has remained. Slowly, he can see through the pain and the hurt to recognize that whatever was and is, his love and desire that the other man be happy is what counts.
Not much to hang your hat on, perhaps - but for my friend a big step out from under the cloud of not knowing what and why things went wrong - and knowing he never will.
I wish I could say the same for his partner; he is unable to put words to his pain, he can not even say why he left or why he does not return or even talk to the man he spent so many years of his life with. Just grief and silent rage.
Whatever happens, whatever you feel - don't bury it and don't put a "brave face" on it. Talk, write - keep in touch with us (sort of, well, nothing can be as bad as the washingmachine folks sense of humour...). But don't run and hide...or rush out and replace until you have found your peace with what happened. Or happens.
Hope this doesn't come across as too preachy...haven't written anything this emotional in the English language in decades.
Still keeping you in my thoughts,
Keven

 

[DADoES]

People sometimes change. A friend I met 22 years ago, she got married after graduating college, moved to California. The few times I've seen her since then, she was very cold and distant. I understand she has been through some health trouble with the husband, and the marriage was rocky several times. Last news I heard last year, they were still together (but likely shouldn't be). Her parents, brother, and sister had discussed with me how she really has pushed everybody away.

Anyway, the point is, don't think that the separation is your fault. You may not have changed, but your ex apparently has. No need for guilt or beating yourself up over "what could I have done." Hold your memories of the time together, it's all a part of your life-journey.

 

[toggleswitch]

nothing can be as bad as the washing machine folks sense of

Keven:

I'll get you yet my pretty. *LOL*

 

[hairybruinuk]

Hang on

Hang on in there kenmore, me and my partner terry have been together coming up to 21 years now. We are still strong and we keep on keeping on. You can do the same be strong keep going, good things come to he who does not expect them. We are all here for ya. love to all

 

[bobbyderegis]

Ron,
I'm so sorry. I'm at a loss for words. I want to say that time heals all wounds, but it takes so goddam long. In the meantime, I'm here for you. I don't need to remind you how much Rich and Chuck adore you. You are not alone. LOL,
Bobby in Boston

 

[JerseyMike]

Sigh

Oh, Ron. I'm so very sorry. We're here for you if you need us.

Mike

 

[cehalstead]

not an easy time

Been there, had it done to me. Not an easy thing to work your way through, but as others have said, it will get better. After my totally unexpected break-up, I met one of the most wonderful people I had ever known. We were together for two years, when he unexpectedly took his own life (still don't have all the answers for that event, but never will). After that, I was alone for ten years. One night, some friends dragged me out to have some fun....little did I know that this would be the night I would meet the one I have spent seven wonderful years with, and it just gets better every day. So it will improve, but right now....just ride with it. If you are mad, let the anger out. If you want to cry, find a good friend's shoulder to cry on. Trust me, it will help. (and of course, you have all of us here...)

 

[lightedcontrols]

Well Honey.....

....after 9 (yes nine! - married one twice) husbands and thousands of boyfriends, this old broad is gonna give you a little advice.....when it comes down to it, the ONLY man you can really depend on is Mr. Coffee. Seriously though, and this IS serious. Get over it. This man obviously was NOT the man that you were supposed to be with. While sometimes these things can come as a surprise, if you stop and add up the little things that were not right with the relationship, you won't be as surprised as you were with the initial schock. How many times I sat looking out my window, waiting for my man to come back to me..... And now I'm sooooooo glad that he didn't!!! So many times we put up with a lot of crap in our relationships just because we're comfortable, when in our hearts we KNOW he ISN'T the right one for us, but for now it's ok, and we're secure in our thoughts that we ''have'' someone. Eventually though, all we really feel about the relationship is emptiness. The right man IS very hard to find. I had a husband that was going to shoot me, a husband that threw me out a two story window, (yes I was thin....and pretty then), a husband that had another boyfriend in every port....(he was a flyboy)....a husband that I later found out was a major drug dealer in the city that we lived in at the time....and on it goes. It TOOK ALMOST 30 YEARS TO FIND THE RIGHT MAN!!! My next to last husband was a great man but unfortunately died way too soon of a heart attack.... and the last husband is another great man. After all of the others, when I got to the last two husbands, I finally know what I was looking for! You have to do the same. Figure out what it is that you want in a man and go get him! Hope this advice didn't sound too harsh but through my life experience, it's come to be the truth! Mark Harman-Chudley-Bittner-Giancanna-Bittner-Stegman-Reese-Wilkins-Buseman-Janacek.

 

[wash&where?]

I agree with lighted controls response

When one door closes another opens. Many people tend to stay together for convenience. By doing this, both people in the relationship suffer in the long run. Do you really want to be with someone that may be unhappy inside but is staying in the relationship just because? He would not be doing you any favor in the long run. If you stayed together another five years, then that would be five years that you would have lost. Time will take care of the heartache. Meanwhile, don't allow yourself to dwell on the negatives. Look at the positives and move on. There are plenty more out there. One day you will look back and wonder... WTF was I thinking. I wish you the best. I myself am in a relationship that is approaching ten years and I know this could just as easily be me in your situation.

 

[mixfinder]

After Awhile

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal.

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your hope on today as the future has a way of falling apart mid flight, because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans, yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brighter dawn.

And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your garden and nourish your soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that love, true love, always has joys and sorrows, seems ever present, yet is never quite the same, becoming more than love and less than love, so difficult to define.

And you learn that through it all you really can endure, that you really can be strong, that you do have value and you learn and grow with every goodbye, you learn.

Kelly

 

[toggleswitch]

Kelly, will you marry me?

 

[maytagbear]

That poem- usually called *Comes The Dawn,*

Is variously attributed to either Joy Whitman or Veronica Shoffstall, and has been a favourite of mine since I first read it sometime in the 1980s.

Thanks for posting it, Kelly.

Lawrence/Maytagbear

 

[mixfinder]

Deep Breath

You take me to places where I can feel the gentle breeze and the evening sun warms my soul.
Kelly

 

[tlee618]

Ron I have never met you either but please know that we are all here for you! Having never been in a relationship before there is no way that I can relate to the pain and hurt that you are going through. I hope that all others have already said will help. I too firmly believe that when one door in our live closes another opens. I feel as if my life really began five years ago this August when I went to Robert's convention in Minneapolis. This was a giant step for me. Really knowing no one in this group at that I time. Upon arriving I felt instantly at home, just where I belonged. These have truly been the best five years of my life and I have all of you out there to thank for that. Ron we are here for you and if there is anything personally that I can do for you please let me know. Big warm hugs, Terry

 

[mrsalvo]

Ron,
I am so sorry for your loss, I feel for you. I cannot really add to what has been said already in this thread, it's just something that you have to work through. When you feel confident enough to meet new people, I can say that new doors WILL open for you.

I have learned in my life that if something doesn't work out, there is a reason and I usually don't question why.
I left a relationship after 7 years and moved to another state
for fear of my life. Best thing I ever done. Alcoholism destroys relationships, when my ex drank it was BAD. And it kept getting worse and I had enough. You can't change people either. Oh well, enough of me. You concentrate on your self.

YOU WILL MAKE IT AND YOU WILL COME OUT STRONGER IN THE END.
"Iron must go through fire before it becomes STEEL."

My thoughts are with you.
Barry

 

[angus]

I agree with Mark - you subconsciously know if something isn't right. In hindsight, every sign was there and I ignored them all. Now I can honestly say that I did love my ex, unfortunately, more than I loved myself and that is a mistake I will never make again.

Let time take its course with you and someday the raw hurt will fade. Five years later, I can now even recall some of the better times and not feel as if there is a knife in my chest. Does it ever go away completely? No...but that is life - some things you never really get over. You just put them in their rightful place and work with them. And sometimes, usually when you least expect it, you fall into a pothole. It's all part of the human experience.

I must admit though, that I still have never been able to go back to Fort Lauderdale. Silly, I know, but it is what it is, I guess.....

 

[panthera]

Anthony,

maybe not so silly. I have never had a partner who threatened me - thank goodness. You did. If your gut feeling is Ft. lauderdale is dangerous, then go with it.
Friend of mine just missed being poisoned by his mentally-ill ex several years ago. When she got out of the loony bin (pardona mea, I mean the psychiatric facility for the reality challenged) she got a job working at the fast-food joint 'round the corner from his office.
Sure 'nough, within 6 months she got the chance to get him. This time he barely pulled through...and she is back in the, er, facility.
At least this time the court ordered he must be notified before she is released...not typical for Germany.
The weird thing of it is, he usually wouldn't eat there, cause he just felt "funny" about it - but on that day his staff told him not to be silly......

 

[mixfinder]

Its Always Something

I married at 18. I wanted desperately to be loved. It was a freak show disaster. Three years later, when I divorced, I expected to be relieved. I was lonely. Even though the marriage was unpleasant, it was something. After the divorce, I had nothing.
I am surprised that even a hurtful relationship can hurt more when it ends.
It took 55 years and learning love was in me and not in another person. I know the joy of being loved, all the way to the bone. I have no way of knowing how long it will last, but I am overjoyed to experience it. I would never have known how wonderful love is if I didn't also know how painful it can be.
All of us have the Ruby Slippers. When you are ready, love will come to you, when you believe in the Ruby Slippers.
Until then, accept that I know, this isn't easy.
Kelly

 

[panthera]

Kelly,

You are always so wise. Me, I learn a bit here a bit there - then go on to the next big mistake.
Sigh.
I sure am glad you're here.
Ron - whatever "space" you're in, let it be. Pain is only relieved - if at all - through acceptance that it is, not through time, not through another man - or woman.
I am still thinking positively for you.
Keven