Old People and How family treats them.. Makes me sick

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exploder321

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Nov 27, 2006
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Ok.. so i am not guilty of going wayy off where i shouldn't be.. SO insted of posting this in the maytag post about the old lady and her maytags and her insensitve daughter i am putting it here..

I was reading about the elderly lady and her daughter...
This is the Very reason i am here with my grandparents.. I refuse to let them become old.. It brings me to tears to here this.. My grandpas is in his 80's and grams is in her 70's..We all work together at the real estate office.. We live together and i take care of most of the domestic stuff and help where they need it..They probably will never go to a nursing home, unless they become bad off..I won't be able to handle it...
I moved to florida at age 18 to take care of my great grandmother until she passed at age 100... She lived with me until 2 months before she passed... I was there when she left... I balled and balled... But i knew she whent home to granddady woody, who she was married to for 75 years.. She wasn't well, but i took care of her..
It makes soooo mad, to see kids right off there parents and send them to a damn nursing home... Thats not right... If you became sick and disabled, i would hope the would help you...

I had a minor stroke in late 2004 due to a subdural hemaoma and sinusitus.. I lost all of my short term memory and quite a bit of my long term memroy..
Grams and mom where right there through every second... Grams took me in, fed me, paid my bills and took care of me thorugh the worst time in my life, until i could go back to work and drive... She fell last year and i decided to stay put and take care of them until they passed or got so sick i couldn't...
I owe them soo much more than i will ever be able to pay them...

I just get so pissed at people who can stand there and say "Mom your going to a nursing home with allkinds of new things and new friends".. Does she not relize that mom has probably been there most of her life and how hard it is for them to make friends at this age of the game??????? NO...
I saw so many sickly people at the nursing home where great grandma was, and most hadn't seen there kids in forever.. I cried every day i was there.. I was there Every day, bringing her cookies, dinner, subs from subway or something to make her feel better... The nursing staff and director couldn't believe how dedicated i was.. Oh it just makes me sick..

Sorry... I didn't mean to go off on this... Its just a sensitve topic for me...
 
HOW OLD PEOPLE ARE TREATED

I have worked in a nursing home for 17 years.One thing that upsets me is when Grandma and Grandpa live some distance away.The family moves them to a nursing home near them far away from there friends that could come and visit them. Then the family never visits them. There were two ladys
(passed away now) one had family in ITALY the other in SCOTLAND. These ladys recived many more phone calls from there family in other countrys, than some that had family right in town. I JUST DON,T UNDERSTAND IT!!!!!!
 
Well as for me personally, I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone, and if my care needs were such that a nursing or assisted living situation were needed, by all means off I go. In my case there probably wouldn't be anyone around to take care of me anyway, and certainly no one making decisions against my own will.

If it were someone dear to me and I was the young and healthy one, certainly I'd do what I could as long as it was within my skill to do so, and beyond that do everything I could with the assistance of others to keep that person in their own comfortable environs.

BUT, sending someone to a nursing facility that obviously doesn't need one, like the Maytag story, is a horse of a completely different color. I'm not sure if that daughter has a POA or how exactly she's getting by with doing that, but...
 
Sometimes nursing home care is the only option.

My Aunt had dementia so bad that she needed 24/7 attention, or she was likely to hurt herself. When she went in the home, her family all came to visit her regularly (not that she knew who any of us were) and made sure she was well-tended to. She actually seemed happier there, I think because there was nothing familiar to befuddle her.

I had another Aunt who was both diabetic and had frightening epeleptic seizures that required heavy medication to keep under control. She was not happy to be in a nursing home, but she had never been a happy person anyway, and since she had never married, there were no other viable options. Dad was really good to her though: went to visit her even though all she did was complain about him, and the home, and everything else.

Finally, my Great Uncle Jack had a massive stroke and couldn't move or speak. My mom and her sisters tried to take care of him, but it was just too much for them: He also needed a lot of drugs and therapies that they couldn't provide, and his insurance didn't cover. He was a good sport about it, however, and improved to the point where he could move half his body, and speak a little bit, so it turned out well for him - all things considered.
 
I agree that the seniors are a huge asset to be loved amd respected. Ask your grandparents what they went through to get to this country or to grow up here. You'd be amazed at how much you don't hear them complain about.

On the other hand, my sisters and I did have an uncle by marriage (tio politico en espanol) who was a nasty human being with a foul negative mouth. He also attempted a physical liason with just about every female in the family. Underage included. I am sorry to report my sisters and I had no issues when the Lawd sent him a massive stroke and he was struck dumb (speechless). Poetic justice, IMHO. In this case we chose not to visit him in the facilty.

Do I feel awful about it? Yes and no. Out of repsect for my sisters' very awful experiences/memories caused by him, he is lucky we did not pull a Lorena Bobbit. And they certainly did not want him around THEIR girls/children!

Perhaps we should not always judge how others appear to behave. There is sometimes a valid reason.

:-)

Fable told tp me by my grandpa. (Perhaps some details slighlty enbellished.)

There was one a tiny village on the island of Lesbos. Since food and living space and money were limited, once people became old and weak they were tossed over over a cliff into the ocean.

One day a strapping young virile gorgeous male had to do his civic duty. He had his father over his shoulder and was going up the cliif. At one point he stopped to rest. The old man said "This is exaclty where I stopped with my father."

Be nice~ You will be farting dust one day too, if you live that long. And remember once you beleive everyone is stealing from you, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY OLD, or you need to move! :-)

Again: Be nice to the old coots. You will be one yourself one day. In the end only love remains behind.
 
Oh Toggle Baby....

You are so so right. I was caring for an elderly woman in my neighboborhood for a number of years. Come to find out, she was accusing me of taking her money when I was taking time out every month to do her bills and balance her checkbook. Bottom line here.........no more friendship. It is so sad that it had to end this way.
 
What goes around comes around.

See see see, there ARE little gems of wisdom in my lunatic rantings.

I am sorry you had to experience that Gary. But yes they REALLY do think that way near the end.
 
I volunteered along with my dog for a number of years at a seniors home and made quite a few friends there amongst the residents. Quite a number of them move in on their own accord because they don't want to be a burden on their family, even against their families wishes. My mother is in her 80's and still fit as a fiddle living in her own house and wouldn't dream of moving in with us when she can no longer stay there and she's fine with it. Her elderly neighbor at 95 just moved to a home last year, mom was visiting her last week and said she said she was so happy to have made the move, that it was the right thing to do at her time of life. Her daughter moved into her house when her mom moved out. So there are always two sides to every story and yes there are ingrates who dump their parents etc. but I believe they are in the minority.
 
Not here... Go to Highland Farms or Asheville health care for a week and see how many family members show up.. Not many.. One nursing home even had visitation hours (i can understand not coming in after 8 or something like that but this was rude)that where from 12-5... The residants where only allowed out during those hours, unless taken somplace by staff... WTF???? Um, No... They quit that after it got quite a few complaints...
 
Much of the nursing home issue comes up because we are such a mobile society nowadays chasing jobs wherever companies decide is the next big fad town to go to. In years past generations of families lived around each other. In my neighborhood here, my grandmother, parents, sister, aunt, and a few cousins live within a 5 mile radius of each other. We look out for one another. We are the exception however. Many of my customers in the Northern VA area haven't been there for anymore than 10 years. They live significant distances from where they grew up, and were their parents currently live. To me, it's sort of sad. I love my extended family, and I'll never take for granted the fact that I can ride my bike or walk to my grandmother's house to see her and help her with what she needs.

What I have found interesting is the differences in elderly people over where they want to live. Yes, some elderly folks don't like assisted living centers, but I do know of one lady that was a friend of my mothers that has absloutely LOVED going into the A.L center she's at. Every time we see her, she's got a glow on her face, and she's talking about all the tour trips she took on the bus, or what her friends she's met there are doing or some other thing. Prior to this, she lived down in a neighborhood called "The Fan" that was primarily young people that she didn't relate to, and she was always complaining about their habits like their music, appearance, etc...so, she's definitely much happier.

...As for my grandmother, she's getting a little bit senile, and getting physically weak, but with the support the rest of the family gives her, I hope she can live the rest of her life around us in her own home, as she seems to be happiest here
 
So there are always two sides to every story

uh maybe not dear-heart. I HAVE to disagree.

There are THREE sides to every story.
"YOURS", "MINE" and "THE TRUTH".

(ducks and runs)
 
OMG...Ok.... Now i get the picture...
I dropped mine on to my finger and tried licking it off... Then i almost choked on it... Decided to go back to glasses... Much easier
 
There are situations like my grandmother. She's physically not too bad off, but failing mentally. 87th birthday coming in January. She had a "mild" stroke 4 (or is it 5?) years ago. It affected her sight and memory faculties. She had a childhood accident which resulted in near-complete blindness in her right eye. The stroke killed right-side peripheral vision, so now she is severely left-shifted. Diabetic (on pills, not shots), low thyroid, arthritis, slightly elevated cholesteral.

She refuses to consider leaving her home. We're basically "enabling" her to stay there, when she really shouldn't be. She is mostly able to keep the house up, mow the yard, but doesn't understand about proper nutrition to handle the diabetes and cholesteral. The stroke changed her sense of taste and smell, many things she liked in the past are now distasteful.

She can't remember things from one minute to the next, can't keep up with the day/date (I found a large analog clock with day/date, but she "forgets" to look at it). When some sort of event is coming up like a doctor appointment or a family holiday gathering, I typically don't tell her about it until the day before, or she'll worry and fret about when is it and constantly get the date and details mixed up, even though I tell her over and over and write it on a calendar. She likes to watch Wheel of Fortune ("Vanna"). I ask did you watch Vanna tonight? Response: Who's Vanna?

I'll cook something for her to eat, she doesn't like it. I'll buy groceries for her to cook, she won't do it, she doesn't know how any more but won't admit to that. She eats way too much "convenience" and "junk" foods that don't require much preparation and aren't the best for her condition. If I don't buy those things, she gets upset. We've gone round and round and round and round about eating bread. She thinks toast isn't bread, that the toasting process somehow changes it so it isn't "bad" (starch, diabetic) any more. She had an accident a couple weeks ago with bread getting stuck in the toaster, caught fire. She threw the toaster out, said it's old. It wasn't. It was my toaster that I gave to her less than two years ago, the LAST time she had the same kind of accident.

She refuses to ask anybody for help, but expects that others should *know* that she needs it. She is very bitter toward a neighbor who has broken off contact in the last couple years. Granny helped this neighbor numerous times in the past, such as taking her to the doctor when she broke her arm. I asked her how did you know Marie needed help getting to the doctor? Answer: She asked me. OK, have you ever asked Marie to help YOU with anything? Answer: NO. OK, so how is she supposed to know if/when you need something? Could you go over and *ask* her if you could ride along to town? Answer: silence.

(By the way, 99% of the time when I ask granny to go along with me to the grocery, she won't go. I asked her this afternoon to come to my house and we'll cook some stir-fry chicken, she refused, said the weather is too cold.)

What's the solution? Keep "letting" her stay at her house until there's some major accident or tragedy like the house burns down or I find her in the yard with the riding mower turned over? She refuses to have a 3rd-party come in to help, even for just a couple hours a few days per week, we already tried that. There's no way she'd move out of the house and in with immediate family. She has her mind set that there's an enormous honor to dying in one's own home. After years of pondering what to do, my mother finally managed to get her elderly aunt (granny's sister) and uncle (he had a stroke some years prior) out of their shack of a house into a nursing home. Unfortunately the aunt died *very* shortly after. Long story, can't go into that now. This happened within a year of granny's stroke and she was not aware at the time that they had moved to a nursing home. She was told Emma had died, attended the funeral, etc. but we didn't tell her for a couple years that Emma had not died at home, but rather at a nursing home. For lack of a better way of putting it, granny was "pleased as punch" that Emma died "at home" and it was a blow when she was eventually told the truth. We can't get her to understand, or perhaps to accept is a better term, that if Emma hadn't been so bullheaded about cooperating to get better care for herself much sooner, it likely wouldn't have happened that way. My sister's mother-in-law went to a nursing home of her own accord a couple years ago when she realized she couldn't handle living alone any more. Granny has visted Marilyn there a few times, understands the situation and seems impressed with the whole scenario. Of course it's all fine and dandy for somebody else, but not for herself.
 
Wow..I did not relize what some go through with there parents being stubbern.. MY great grandma was just to weak to care for her self, so i moved to florida into a mice town house and she loved it.. She decorated with her things and my things and we got along great.. I worked in car sales down the street and at night at walmart to make ends meet.. I can't find the cd with the pictures right off hand, but she loved it.. A kelly girl came 4 times a week to help with baths and lunches when i wasn't home.. Twice a week she whent to a Senior center and she loved that (hated the food though)..She was grumpy, but not twords me... She loved her life... It was great not to have to be stuck in a smelly nursing home, unlike great gramps..
He had Alztimhers and was bad off... Grams couldn't keep him and her apart, so they put him into a nursing home and she whent into a Condo owned by them which she loathed for 10 years until i moved down..
 
Personally, the happiest day of my life was the day I dropped granny off at the nursing home! She was a mean, miserable, crotchety trouble making b***h who never knew a kind word or deed and had no compassion for anyone but herself. Made my mother's life a living hell on earth until I couldn't take it any more....so off she went to live "where people go to die", as she so eloquently used to put it.

Not all of them are "sweet little things", unfortunately. She could have had a very nice life with her family, but she chose otherwise. Sure, we visited often, but mostly to make sure she was being taken care of properly, not because anyone missed her.
 
I got into this discussion at work today.. I guess i am lucky, most of my family isn't a bunch of b**chy old ladys..My aunt in detroit is though..But we don't have to deal with her...
 
i wonder how these people alone in nursing homes treated their children. old people sometimes mellow due to guilt. my mother was a royal witch when i was a small child. NOW she's sweet as pie. youd never know by talking to her now how HORRIBLE she used to be.
 
They (mean parents) tend to forget that one day we won't need them~ they will need us.

Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
My dad mellowed also when he realized (decades ago) I wasn't gonna get beaten anymore.

Apparently the power structure changes over time! Abusers try to get away with as much as they can for as long as they can, it seems.
 

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