Question for those on here who are gay

[supersurgilator]

This is something I have wanted to ask you guys for quite some time now, but have just worked up enough courage to do so. I'm 24 and have been struggling with my orientation for awhile. I'm almost 100% certain that I am gay, but it leaves me with some questions.
First off, my parents are not accepting of this lifestyle, therefore nobody knows. I'm at this stage in my life where I really want to be in a relationship, but that just isn't possible right now. Secondly, I went to a private middle and high school and this of course isn't accepted there. Combine these two things together and I feel like a failure for the way I am, like it isn't normal and I'm "weak". I don't consider myself to be good looking, and sometimes I feel like nobody would want me. Take all three of these and I feel really empty inside.
So, if you guys would feel comfortable to maybe share some experiences that would be great. (can do here of send me an email.) Also if you could let me know your age as well that would be great. Thanks for lisening and making me feel ok when I visit the board.

 

[petek]

Well I came out in the early 70's when I was about 17 and it turned out everyone in the family was ok with it even back then.
Where I think some mistakes are made with coming out is when someone comes out after living in the closet a number of years and then expects everyone to be accepting almost right away. Well that's great if it happens but it doesn't always happen, it's a shock to some and sometimes takes some people a long time to come around to it, days, weeks, months or years. So there's no point in getting angry with them, you've just dumped a huge bombshell on them that you've known about for years and they may need time to process it as well.

 

[perc-o-prince]

Hey Bruce,

I hope you've mistaken how your parents may feel about your orientation. Both NORMAL and GOOD LOOKING are only what we've been conditioned to accept as status quo. It isn't the same any more. Everyone's good looking to someone, and everyone's normal in the right situation.

I had no idea as to whether or not my parents would be accepting. They moved to PA when I was about 19 and I lived on my own in Buffalo. I made the decision that I would tell my parents I was gay once I was in a relationship.

That finally happened when I met Rich in '88 (I was 25). Of course my mother already knew (they always do) and she spoke to my father. He called a few minutes later and was basically accepting, though less so than my mother if I read his tone of voice correctly.

They met Rich when they came to spend a few days with us when we lived in Manchester, NH. Nothing remarkable, really, other than the fact that my mother and I got to talking, my father went to bed, then so did Rich, as no one could probably get a word in edgewise (my mother and I were like that from the day we lived apart). My father got a kick out of driving my Camaro. Really, that was about the most memorable part of the visit.

The next year, we went down there to spend a couple of days. There were two things that stood out about that visit.

1) My father and I went on a walk in the neighborhood, and, out of the blue, he asked me something to the effect of, "does one of you play the female role?" I straightened him out on that point nicely.

2) My father took Rich on a tour of the town, driving like a maniac (normal for him), and showed him the sights. "See that big house? That's where the doctor lives." "This is where there was coal mine." God bless Rich... he didn't go running away after we got home!!!

There was really no noticible tension or lack of comfort on their part around us. My father even gave Rich a slap in the back of the head one day, just like he always did to us (me and my 2 brothers).

I know I was lucky to have the parents I did, and it's not fair that I lost them so young. But, at least I have Rich's parents, and we get along great!

Wishing you the best,
Chuck

 

[jeffg]

Bruce, are you currently living with your parents? If so, your first step should be to establish your own ground: find your own apartment or house to rent, or move in with a friend (any friend, gay or straight). This will establish a level playing field with your parents. As long as you're living under their roof, they're going to feel justified in dominating you and your feelings.

The next step is to understand, on the most basic psychological level, that if some people -- even your own parents -- have a problem with your sexual orientation, it's their problem and not yours. This realization and self-acceptance are extremely empowering, and if you can get this much done, the rest usually falls into place with little or no effort.

I know from first-hand experience that Indiana can be a very scary place. But the world is a lot bigger, a lot smarter and (at least for the most part) a lot more loving than Indiana.

 

[jamman_98]

Well I did not come to terms with being gay until I was 29. I was terrified to tell my parents and could not bear their rejection. So when I told them at 35, they already knew. I loved my parents very much and did not want to disapoint them. Not that being gay was bad but it is not an easy thing even in these more liberal times. Fortunately they were very accepting. If you're on your own and independent, then you need to be true to yourself no matter what your parents may think. If they really love you, they will accept you. It is a risk but in the long run but honesty is always best. Also remember too that there are a lot of gay people who are going though the exact situation you're in. Don't feel alone, there's always some one for support. Best of luck.

Joe
jamman_98

 

[ronhic]

HUG!!!!!

Is the first thing you need.....

I don't think it appropriate to offer advice, but am happy to tell you of my experience...there may be something there you can use.

I had known I was gay since I was 18 or so...and on reflection, probably since I was a little kid. I went to a local primary and high school and during the last 2 years was on the Student representative council - an elected position. I wouldn't say that I was popular, but I did know a lot of people and I certainly wasn't disliked....

I lived at home until I was 25. Moved to my own place than then to Sydney 6m later in mid 1995. Still had not told anyone that I was gay. I moved to Melbourne mid 1996 and then back to Sydney in 1997....and finally back to Canberra in 1998.

The last move was a concious one. I wanted to tell my family and friends. Some of my friends knew as I had been asked to be godfather to their daughter so I plucked up the courage to tell 6 of my closest friends. In the course of 24hrs, I did.

NEVER tell someone while they are driving....Melanie nearly ended up a tree..

To say that my friends' reactions were encouraging is probably an understatement. I had tears (because she does), 'about bloody time you said something' and various other comments. They were, and are, fabulous people. That is why they are my friends and true friends are THE BEST POSSESSIONS.

Just before my 30th, I decided to tell my folks. Gathered the guts together and got the reinforcements in - my sister (she guessed over the phone, little sod). But first I need to tell you why I moved back to Canberra so that I could start this process. Livng 200miles away, coming home, dropping the 'gay bomb' and then getting back in the car and leaving on a Sunday was not something that I wanted to do. So I changed my career direction and moved back to Canberra so that I could be close. If there was fallout, I wanted to be the one picking up the pieces. It was important to me to not 'tell and run'.

Telling my parents was difficult, but made easier when I started the 'I have something I really need to tell you....' and my father instantly thought that I had done something tragic, lost my job etc....being told his son is gay somehow made it seem a little insignificant....

He was great.

I had not expected it as he was a bit of a lads-lad when younger and still is really. He used be a boxer, professional footballer and general sporty jock. But he got up, walked outside, did a couple of laps of the backyard then came back in and said 'I don't care that you are gay, you are my son and I love you regardless'. Even typing that now, 10yrs later is emotive.

I barely breathed with relief.

Mum was a bit different. Same house, same day. She came home from work and I was talking to her in the kitchen. I dropped it on her and she was very calm....too calm. But she was ok.

That was 1999.

I met Rod, my partner, while a friend and I were travelling Europe in 2000. I had accepted a redundancy package while in the UK and met Rod on GAY.com on the 30th December 2000. We chatted. I rang him and 8hrs later we hung up. Met on the 2nd January and those fatal words were said by the 4th. I came back to Oz to finish work and he came out early April 2001 to meet my parents/family/friends. We flew back late April 2001 and came back to Oz in May 2004.

Rod has blended seamlessly into my social circle and my niece and nephew adore him. He is as much a part of my family as my brother-in-law is...and that is just how it should be.

If I look back at the timeline of how I managed the process of telling people, there are large gaps between telling people and the next step. I didn't tell anyone I was gay and then introduce them to a 'partner'...only because I didn't have one. By not expecting people to deal with huge amounts of information, I think it was easier for them to go 'ok...' and just get on with life. I don't know what it would have been like if I had said 'I'm gay, here is my partner and I'm moving to London', but I think the reaction may have been a bit more severe.

I started this with 'I don't think it appropriate to give advice', but I do think we should consider the following.

-be mindful of peoples general attitudes, what is going on in their lives at that point in time (telling someone who has been made redundant, lost a baby etc....my not be the wisest thing when they are emotionally not well)
-choose your timing
-try not to 'dump' on them
-try not to be too emotional yourself

....and the list could go on

Ultimately, I started by telling some of my closest friends who I knew had other gay friends. Their reaction did give me confidence....

...and have another HUG!!!!

 

[dogboy44]

It's a little akward at first so get it over with.

Hey Supersurge:

Sounds like you are having a problem with acceptance. You want to know how old the rest of the queers are here? I am 53. Yesterday I was your age.
Get all this shit sorted out, so you can start living your life. It goes by faster than you will ever imagine.
I came out in the 70's when I was 16-17, and have not looked back. Be honest with yourself, you know how you really feel.
If you walk around like the hand you’ve been dealt is second best, that is all you'll ever be. I moved out of the house very early on and established myself as a gay man.

Being gay is not a lifestyle, living at the beach is a lifestyle. You don’t want to tell people you are gay because you see it as a source of shame
If you are wresting with coming out, you can see the argument made that sexual preference is a matter of choice is a load of crap.
Don't play like you are straight thinking that everyone will like you more, you will be surprised how much most people don't really care, and in the meantime you will be miserable.
Friends in life come and go, some you keep forever, some come and go like the tide. Oh and BTW, I don’t look like Ryan Reynolds either, look around few of us do.

 

[~sudsshane]

Hi Bruce~

I agree wholeheartedly with JeffG's advice to you. It is very important that you surround yourself with people who are supportive and compassionate.
Have you tried looking into finding a support group in your area that will help you through the coming out process? Contact a local Gay and Lesbian center in your area. I am sure they can help put you on the right path.

Keep us posted, and I feel confident in saying that any of us here at AW would be here for you if you need advice or guidance.

Good Luck!

Shane

 

[animasinsulinpu]

Dude`

It dosen't mater your sexuality. The fact IS you LOVE appliances. That is ALL that counts.....Bill in Az....

 

[laundromat]

Bruce,

I was gay from day one.As farback as I can remember.My problem(if you want to call it that) was I felt no different being me than anyone else until I became a junior high school student.my brother ( whom to this day refuses to speak to me at all)would set up friends of his to confront me and request "favors' while,during my willingness to submit,would be hidden up in a nearby tree snapping photos of my activities with a Polaroid to give to my Dad.Then,as I returned home,my Dad would litteraly kick me down the hall,take off all my clothes, tie my arms and legs to my bedposts and beat me mercilessly with his belt.I would fake falling asleep to make him leave.My mother was too fearfull to tell any authorities about his hatefull actions toward me and,after her suicide,I ran away permanantly.Four tries I made to make peace among all three of us,but no success there.
Years later,after getting his girlfriend praignant and finding out afterword she was a heroin addict,She gave birth to their son,addicted to heroin from day one.He needed special treatment but(and I wasn't surprised to find out)my brother threw his only child out on the street because he was dislexic.I hope things work out better for you than they did for me.

I'm fine now but only because I have become so accustemed to being alone,making my own decissions,chosing my own friends,making my own decissions and loving me for being me.I have no regrets.

 

[laundromat]

echo!,echo! lol

 

[countryford]

heres my story

First off I'm 25. I grew up in a very religious home. Wnet to a very strict Baptist school. I was taught it was wrong to be gay. Yet I can remember things that have happened since I was a kid that I look back on and realize that even back then I was gay. It wasn't till I was 15 that I actually came out to myself. At 18 I finally decided it was time to tell my family. My dad said, "I don't agree with it, but as long as your happy." my mom on the other hand said "Your going to hell.", "Thats the worst thing a boy could tell his mom." and my favorite "I wish'd you would rather have gotten a girl preagnant."

I never considered myself goodlooking. I had a few short term b/fs. nothing that lasted real long. About a year ago I found a great guy and we just recently bought a house together. We are both happy. He has met both my parents and they both accept him. My mom still isn't thrilled with the idea, but she is better than when I first came out.

 

[animasinsulinpu]

Assemblies of God

When I was 7 or 8 I found out what the word homosexual meant. That church beleives you are GOING straight, well gaily forward going to hell. So I prayed . And they beleive if you commit suicide youre still going to hell. So I prayed to get some kind of cancer and WHAT did I get? Type 1 Diabetes. Religion has caused more harm and killed more people than any other single idea... They ALL NEED to be taxed!!!!

 

[panthera]

Bruce,

Here's my advice. I'm 50.

1) How you feel about yourself will play a gigantic role in how your parents react. Homosexuality is not an illness, it is not a defect, it is not against God's will. But don't take my word for it, read. If you are strongly Christian, take a look at the resources over at http://www.gaychristiannetwork.com/.
Actually, they have a lot of good things to say regardless of your religious beliefs.
2) Indiana is not the world. But since you are there, try http://www.indiana.edu/~glbt/
They are an umbrella organization for many gay and lesbian groups and libraries and support groups for parents of gay children as well as gays in Indiana. You absolutely do not have to be a student or have anything to do with the university to call them or use their resources.

OK, once you have a better sense of yourself, this whole "homosexual lifestyle" will mean something very different to you. Personally, I am monogamous and engaged to be married to the most wonderful man in the world. Others my age are still living the same way they did when they were 18. Others do what is right and good for them. You don't have to be anything or do anything just because some idiot tells you that is "how" to be gay.

Safe sex, by the way, is just as important today as it was in the 1980's, but many guys your age don't think so. They are stupid, don't you be. From the generation before me right on down to yours, Aids has made some very big changes. Right now, life is getting better for homosexuals in the US, but you grew up in a very evil time when horrible people said and did many bad things to us. That is not how the US was when you were a baby, it is not how the Canada and Western Europe are, it is not how the US will be soon again. Look at Iowa! Look at Vermont! I live in a country where marriage is legal, the governors of two of our biggest provinces are gay, the head of the republican party here is gay! (FDP, for those who know) and they are all open and out and nobody cares one bit.

Once you know how you feel about yourself, then you can and should talk to your parents. If you expect problems, move out first. Don't use your steady boyfriend as an excuse "see, I am not like the others". That is wrong. Maybe you do want to have sex with three guys every week, and three other guys the next week...or maybe you and your childhood best friend are "it" for life. Or maybe you don't want to have sex with anyone right now. All three lifestyles are exactly the same way many heterosexual men your age live, and nobody associates that "lifestyle" with their sexuality.

Now, one thing I think you shouldn't be. Don't be a bitter queen. You'll meet enough of them. They are, sadly, a part of the gay community, just like the kid in Sunday school who always tattles on the others. Don't you be one of them. there are too many as it is.

I came out when I was 14. A late age, but I really wanted to be sure. My mom took awhile, my dad was cool with it (his best friend and his brother are both gay, so obviously he wasn't really bothered). My brother, 36 years later, is still a totally uncompromising jerk about it and so are all his kids, wife, etc. They cause a lot of problems in the family, not my being gay.

Enjoy your life. Find yourself. You are no better than and certainly no worse than anyone else in God's eyes. If you find you want to settle down and marry a man and that is you, go for it. If you decide you don't want to commit to just one person, fine - but in either case, be true to your friends.

Last piece of advice, and it is probably very highly judgmental, but I grew up in a part of the US which is even more conservative than Indiana. I know how to fight dirty. I know how to shoot a gun. I don't go to places where stupid heterosexual men are looking for a fight, but I walk like what I am, a guy who can seriously rip your balls off and feed them to you for dinner. If you aren't built that way, fine. There is a real discrimination in the gay community towards effeminate men. Don't hang around with guys like that, they're jerks.

You're lucky to be gay. We're lucky to have your here. Keep in touch with us.

 

[laundromat]

judgemental people

I was very blessed to meet true Christian people who I befriended decades ago.I also have met others since then and learned that a true Christian knows that---
A.No two people see out of the same two eyes
B.Anybody who is perfect(I only know of one indidual in history who can honestly say that)can judge someone else.
C.Don't even begin to ridicule,judge or damn anybody until you're willing to wear their shoes and walk down the roads they themselves have.
D.If you are so concerned about somebody else's life,death or well being,pray for them.Don't judge them.You neither know what they've been through prior to where they are now,nor do you know their destination or fate.You are also unaware that maybe someday you'll be in a situation where you 'll need their help,their support or their kindness.

 

[jeffg]

Chuck, you and I should meet and compare horror stories.

I'd write a book about my life but I really don't want to go on Oprah.

 

[superelectronic]

Stranger: "Are you out?" Me: "Who's askin

2008 was an interesting year for me. Officially, I changed jobs and made a new best friend. Unofficially, I made some other friends, quit smoking and took up men.

Official and unofficial is about where I stand with the whole orientation situation and I can well appreciate some of how Bruce is feeling. There’s always been a question mark over my sexuality and it wasn’t until I was about 20 when I shared a house with a guy who made my head spin that I allowed myself to consider being gay. Almost ten years later I can’t say I’m hugely further forward although increasingly I am being outed (or, rather, my sexuality has been disclosed beforehand) by those in the know to their friends and it’s a weird experience. Part of me flinches when I hear myself being described as gay even though, technically, it is the case. And therein lies the problem: whilst I can accept it on a personal level, the difficulty is accepting it within the context of wider society and how I am perceived by others. Admittedly, most people who now know don’t seem to have batted an eyelid...probably helped by living in a cosmopolitan area (and that’s before we consider the gay boss, gay neighbours, gay housemates and gay landlords...none of whom I have sought out – they have just somehow entered my life...perhaps there’s something cosmic afoot?).

Later today I will go to the family home for the Easter break. Needless to say, they know nothing of my sexploits (and to be fair, prior to last Good Friday I was totally celibate) and I have no particular intention of telling them. Probably they are well aware it’s possible given I’m pushing 30 and have yet to show off any (in)significant other. I know full well that it’s a pantomime of a situation...I just don’t want the confrontation. At present, they are under the illusion I have a “ladyfriend with no ties”...part hilarious, part guilt inducing...but it’s thrown them off the scent a while longer. No doubt my hand will be forced at some point in the future but until such time I am taking my chances and living each day as it comes (it’s at this point I hear the cries of “coward” but what can I say...it’s a foible!).

I don’t know where things will end up on this coming out minefield, but possibly the best thoughts to have are:

1) You’re only answerable to yourself when it comes down to it.
2) Labels and stereotypes are divisive and negative. You’re just you.

Now...time to get ready for another performance!! (Mine is probably not an example to follow).

Al

 

[jakeseacrest]

I waited to tell my parents once I moved out of their house for fear of being booted out! Once I told them they said that they assumed anyway and they didn't care. I was 25 at the time, but I had known for a few years....I think it was all my "friends" that I would bring home that tipped them off!

 

[jeffg]

Jake, I had the same experience. I first moved away from home when I was 15.

When a person comes out to his or her family, what many parents dread most is having to deal with it under their own roofs. It's much easier -- for all involved IMO -- if the person is living away from home.

Al, in an Italian family, if a guy isn't either a priest or married with children by the time he's 30, he's an absolute failure as a human being. I played the same game with my family, but it got old pretending to be someone I wasn't. The mutual denial was like an invisible wall between me and them.