Question for those on here who are gay

[panthera]

Mike,

You make an excellent post.
Now, I have always tended to be kinda an in-your-face person about human rights (bet nobody around here would've thought that, huh?)...but I agree with you 100%.
Why you tell someone you are gay says a lot about how you feel about yourself.

Given the nastiness we all grow up with in American society (especially the last eight years), it is understandable when someone is not all that crazy about discovering they're gay and it can't be changed. It is so important to read and learn and find out just how many of us there are out there who are not flaky, superficial idiots.

I don't know but what it isn't ironic that the same stupid arguments I got to here throughout the 70s, 80s and right up through the mid-90s from gays about why marriage was such a bad thing are exactly the same stupid arguments the christianists level at us today for wanting marriage.

Sheesh. Circular firing squad and a lost 30 years.

Kinda funny about your mom's friend ratting you out, at least from here. I can well imagine it wasn't so funny then.

 

[maytagbear]

It wasn't awful in my case---

I always knew I was "different."

I am now 48, rapidly heading to 49.

My mother was pretty good about it. She was intelligent, educated, and somewhat sophisticated. When I came out at 19, she wasn't happy, but she didn't have a fit or anything. She asked me if I was sure. I had never been as sure of anything, except for my fondness for appliances and cats.

My sister, (3 years older, only sibling) was less happy about it, and gave me a LITTLE attitude for a long time. She was very concerned over the years about how I reflected on her...and I did....as the odd, bookish, unathletic, overweight washer-loving kid. We're cool now. 700+ miles apart (I'm in Ohio, she's in a Twin Cities suburb, her happy marriage to her first {and so far only} husband.....and her three adult daughters.....)

Dad might have been a challenge, but I never knew, because he died not long after my 5th birthday. Dad had two younger brothers, and the first was decidedly bi, and Dad had trouble dealing with Uncle Nathan (not his real name, but close). Uncle Nathan married, and eventually had three daughters, but Uncle Nathan was never less than fabulous. He was also a United Methodist minister. Of the three brothers, he was the one who lived the longest, as well. Dad died at 40, Uncle Walt (again, not his real name) died at 41. Uncle Nathan made it into his mid 60s.

My extended family? Mixed bag. The cousins on my dad's side have been great. We've always been more like loving siblings than cousins. My cousins on my mom's side have been too busy drinking, but generally disapprove.

However, I have lots of wonderful friends, in life, and through teh intarnets. Friends are extremely important. If you don't have many, make some more!!!

As for me,(this is just ME, ok?) like so many other things in life, I try to take a middle ground. I neither deny nor shout. If anyone has the courage/curiosity/bad taste to ask, I tell. People have guessed over the years....I sound a bit like David Sedaris.

However...the bear thing is a mixed blessing. I can pass, as long as I keep my mouth shut, not that I am extremely interested in passing all the time. Many people still seem to think that guys who are round and hairy are always hetero!

Do some reading....there are some really good books out there now....a big public library can be a gay man's good friend. Especially in the 305s. (Social Science).

Try to relax. A favourite aunt of mine said that as long as I told the truth, and was nice, it would work out. So far, it has.

Not saying that the world is always a safe place, because it is not; but for the most part, for the most part if I am calm, polite, and accepting, that's been what I've received.

However, I have been gaybashed physically, but not for many years. Just make an effort to be aware of your surroundings.

One last thing: We're not the only ones with closets. Most people have aspects of their lives that are big and sometimes confusing.

Live and let live.

Have as much fun along the way as you can.

Lawrence/Maytagbear

 

[deeprinser]

Dear Supersugilator.
What I'm about to tell you is absolutely true.
I attended an all boys roman catholicgrammar school here in the UK from the age of 11 -16.
Upon embarking on my young adulthood in 1979-80 as a slightly sexually confused 16 yr old, I ventured onto the gay scene and all my self hatred and low self esteem evaporated.
I discovered that 4 of my good classmates from my old school were gay and we all bumped into each other in gay bars and clubs.
Then I bump into my 1st cousin who was also gay and told me that my Aunt was gay also.
Then I began working for a large banking organisation. (V.Conservative ) Yet again, I bumped into 5 people I worked with and a couple of them were the biggest "womanisers" on the department floor ! What a suprise ! Lol.....
My parents sort of knew all along .My sister was superb !

The moral of all this is that you may think the whole world is an alien place for you.
Let me tell you- YOU ARE WRONG !
Be the Good Hearted Person you are and Im sure you will see how good the world will be to you !
Oh ,and dont forget the "suprises" .
I hope this helps you a bit ?
Lou.x

 

[sudsman]

A lot of very good advise here .

but life has NOTHING to do with
being GAY or STRAIGHT. It is just life. It is never going to go just the way you think it should or hope it does. LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE MAKING PLANS TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.. Be fair treat others fair..What you do WILL come back to you. You should NOT be a DOORMAT for ANYONE. You deserve the best no matter who says different. Never feel that you should place yourself second and you will always be first.Live as YOU want NOT as others want you too. Yes their will be upsets and names called and many other such set backs.. But everyone has those things to deal with no matter who they sleep with. Good Luck always..

 

[toggleswitch2]

Does it matter?

My father asked me if I am gay.
I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “No, not really.”
I told him, “Yes.”
He said, “Get out of my Life.

”My boss asked me if I am gay.I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “No, not really.
”I told him, “Yes.”
He said, “You’re fired, faggot.”I guess it mattered.

My friend asked me if I am gay.
I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “No not really.
”I told him, “Yes.”
He said, “Don’t call me your friend.”
I guess it mattered.

My love asked, “Do you love me?”
I said, “Does it matter?
”He said, “Yes.”
I told him, “I love you.”
He said, “Let me hold you in my arms.”For the first time in my life something mattered.

My God asked, “Do you love yourself?”
I said, “Does it matter?”
God said, “Yes.”
I asked, “How can I love myself - I’m gay.”
"This is the way I made you.”
Nothing again will matter.

ANONYMOUS STUDENT IN HIGH SCHOOL.

 

[mayguy]

Bruce,

Take your time, and also we are all here for you! *HUGS*

My life of growing up.

It was around first grade, I had this super huge crush on a guy named Chad. Mom said I can have friends over for sleep over for my birthday. I invited had Chad over, and when we changes to our PJ, I saw him in his underware, and right then I knew something was up with me.

Around 5th grade, I recall seeing something on the news about gay or something, and all I saw was guys in leather, and drag, and I was thinking, is that me?? Noway... I also recall along the line of mom saying if I ever brought a guy home, it won't be good.

When I went away for High School, and lived in a dorm setting, so always saw guys nude in the shower room everday, I knew I liked guy but never called myself gay. A couple of years later, me and a friend started messing around together.. I said I gotta give a girl a shot. I hung out with one girl, and one night she gave me a french kiss.... OMG, I almost got sick... I pushed her away when she put her tongue in my mouth. After that, all I can think of was Ryan. (guy i messed with for about 3 years in HS)

After HS, I was "dry" for about 3 years, and I got my first computer and went on AOL, went into my first gay chat room, and took me a whle to admit I was gay... After talking to guys like me, I felt fine with it knowing that gay are not always the guys in leather or drag queen.

I was about 25 when I came out to my cousin and he was super cool with it. he told a couple of other cousins of mine and they were fine. I wanted to tell my parents and my dad's health wasn't the best, so I held back.

I was about 30 when I started to see my partner (still with him) and my grandmother has met him a numbers of time, and she invited him to our family Christmas. I still havne't come out to my parents yet.. That day at the family gathering, I think mom put the two and two together, and she didn't say much the whole day and left home early.

Next day she stopped at work to see me and asked me to come up to the house for supper. I went up to the house, and I said, I am guessing you are wondering who Eric is? She said yes, and I told her well, I have to say that I am gay. She did cry for a little bit, and she said I will always love you no matter what. We hugged, and I told her I will always be the Jay you know, I am not changing anything, and I play everythign safe. Dad did have a hard time at first, but got over it just fine.

They both love Eric and we are always at family gathering together, and everyone on both side of the famlily has no issues.

Guess mom said she suppected all along, just never put a finger on it.

If you want to talk, feel free to e-mail me.

Jay

 

[strongenough78]

Bruce,

One thing you have to remember is, you're always going to come across people who won't like you because you're gay, even your own family members. But also remember that no matter what you're going to meet some very nice and interesting people. I started coming out in highschool, but I've always known there was something different about me. I came out to my mom and brother in 2002 and they were totally accepting of it. My father on the other hand, I haven't told partly because of a friend of his who has a son who is gay, and my father would always refer to him as "the queer son". I'm sure I'll tell him someday, when I feel ready to. I personally don't feel the need to change who I am to make others happy. I've had friends ask me to "tone it down" when I was to be around their other friends who are straight. Did that stop me? HELL NO! I told said friend I'll either be my true self around who ever I am around, or I just won't be there. And you shouldn't feel the need to not be yourself either. You'll be surprized at how many heterosexuals are very accepting of gay people, especially straight women. I have more straight friends in the town I live in than I do gay friends, and they all know about me. Hell some even play flirt around with me just to be silly, and to show that they are totally cool with it. And many statistics show, that straight men who are secure with themselves can take a gay man flirting with them or joking around and not get offended. It's the ones who are battling their own orientation or have skeletons in their closets that get offended or have a problem with men or women who are open about who they are.

As far as the gay community itself, you'll also meet some who treat you like dirt because you don't meet their expectations as far as looks. THOSE gay men you don't need in your life anyway, cause everything is always all about THEM. Anyone who judges their friends based on their looks is about as shallow as a frying pan. And they will someday learn that they should have treated people better, when they're older and get rejected by the hottest gay man in the bar that they probably would have had luck with 10 or 15 years prior. That's the type of gay man you don't want to be. The shallow, youth obsessed queens who think just because you bought your outfit at WalMart that you aren't worthy of a decent conversation or even a friendly Hello. You'll know who they are when you meet them lol. You say you don't concider yourself goodlooking. Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some will think you're not attractive, other's will think you're the most beautiful person in the world. It all depends on personality and self presentation. Present yourself with confidence, but don't be concieted. Show others that you are a caring person who will be there for them no matter what. Just be strong enough not to let others treat you like a door mat and walk all over you. I did that enough when I was coming out and all it got me was hurt. Self confidence is another attribute you need to build up. I have guys tell me I'm so cute or handsome, and others that wouldn't give me the time of day. We all go through it, it's a part of life. The only person you have to worry about making happy, and accepting of who you are IS yourself.

So, don't worry if you don't meet the man of your dreams right away. I'm 30 years old and still have yet to meet anyone. I'm not saying it would take you that long, just be prepared for anything. What you need to concentrate on more is making friends. You've had many men on here tell you of their experiences and have told you that no matter what, everything will be ok, and it will. You can come to us anytime you need to to vent any feelings, ask any questions, or if you need a shoulder to cry on. I always have an open ear and shoulder policy, so don't be afraid to use it.

You're beginning a whole new experience in your life, and it can be the best one you'll ever have, if you let it. For every up there is a down and vise versa. Do becareful out there but don't totally hide yourself. As far as your family, I can't really give any advise on how to handle that. You'll come out to them when YOU'RE ready to. Don't let anyone force you to. Only 2 possible outcomes can happen, either they accept it, or they won't. Most parents who seem to be against people being gay, usually change that point of view when it's their own flesh and blood involved, but then some don't. If they do, then that's great. Don't drop too much on them at one time that they can handle though. You have to ease them into it. And, if unfortunately they don't accept it. Just remember that you DO have another family here, and anywhere you make family. Family isn't just flesh and blood, it's what you make of it.

I really hope we have all helped you out in anyway we could. And do not hesitate to talk to us more about it, or ask any questions you need to. I personally, will answer ANY question thrown at me about homosexuality. How else will others learn if they don't know, right? Take care of yourself Bruce. Come see us or write us when you need to. Be strong, enjoy life and for Christ's sake, have some fun!!! XOXOXO

Sincerely,

Vern S. Anderson

 

[strongenough78]

And in case anyone is curious, this is me... lol.

 

[panthera]

Wow.

There are so many cool people here.

I can only echo what Vern said. Guys who only care about you having the "right" look, are simply not interesting.

Sex is easy to find on any street corner - men are like that. But friends (and a lover who is not a friend is neither, just someone you exchange DNA with) are people who care about you and about whom you care.
Oh, ye stars and little fishies, I get so tired of the once-a-year TV "Kingdom of the Animals, today: Birds of Paradise" coverage of Christopher Street Day. Sure, that exuberance is a part of being gay you can enjoy...but that is only one tiny facet of what and who we are. What we really need is more media presence showing us in loving, committed relationships. That would do more to help young men and women coming out than the images the media otherwise offers.

I wrote the NY Times about that a few years back. Serious three part series on gay marriage and every single opener had the usual gorgeously bejeweled and eyelinered queen standing on the float waving her boa...got back a real answer: Dear Sir, sorry to reply so late, we received over 20,000 e-mails with your complaint...we will do better the next time.

And they did. And they have. Times and attitudes are changing. We have the christianists on the run. Now, we need to drive it home.

 

[deeprinser]

Hi Panthera-
Christians on the run ? -Dont make me laugh !
I have known more non-Christians ( atheists ) who dont "accept" gay people.
Truly.
Lou.

 

[nmaineman36]

To add to what I had posted...fast forward 24 years...my mom has been very accepting. Even though I do get the occasional "well so much for grandkids" I usually tell her she can go out and have them if she wanted to. I now tell her that my cats are her grandkids and they give much less grief. She has been really supportive of my relationship with Scott. She will call and she will chat with him and he calls her mom. And on top of that my mom is a holy roller..almost Super Catholic. Scary but true.
Parents can be funny sometimes and when you think it will go one way it can go in the other direction. My mother in law and my mom got to know each other and they used to chat more than we realized. Scott's mom passed away last year and it was a rough time going thru the Alzheimers and watching a vibrant woman fade away. I got to spend some time with her and she told me that I was the best thing that happened to her son...and he had some losers in his life.
I will have to agree with what Vern said...there are label queens out there and I was involved with one for 6 long long years. If it wasnt Burberry or a Louie V he wouldnt wear it or he wouldnt bother with someone if they made less money than him. Shallow oh man yeah and no good in bed either...I had a better time by myself but thats another whole story there.

And about the bitter queens out there that dont know how to keep a man yet somehow know how to give advise to people and that love to see others in misery. Those Queens that have a vicious mouth yet run for the hills when they are confronted...you dont need them in your life and you will figure out who they are fast. I just weed those queens out of my life. I dont have time for negative people in my life.
Oh to be 25 again and know what I know now. And one other thing as Miss RuPaul says " How can you love someone when you dont love yourself." And I would have to add to that and accept who you are because you can try to hide from it but it will always be there. Something to think about.

 

[panthera]

Lou,

Sorry, I think you misunderstood me. I said "christianists" not Christians.

 

[richm]

Best to you

Bruce,

Congratulations on taking the first steps to figuring out who you are....there is nothing you should be ashamed of. I finally came out as a gay man 4 years ago after being married over 25 years. It was something I couldn't face when I was younger but wish I could have. Please know that there is nothing wrong with you.

Today I am coaching men and women who have come to the place that you have in their lives. Please feel free to write backchannel if you'd like to chat.

RichM

[email protected]

 

[whitekingd]

Toggleswitch2

Thank you for sharing that poem from the high school student. How very touching, sad, and beautiful all at the same time. Thank you much!

 

[toggleswitch2]

 

[whirlpolf]

which reminds me of..

hey Bruce,
here is something I found on the web some years ago. If you want THIS (see pic), then go for it. Trust your heart.
Good luck!
Joe

 

[panthera]

Ein Wahres Wort

Hey Joe - there is a lot of truth in that picture.

Whenever someone asks me why I "feel" I "have" to marry my love, many of those images portrayed in those verses come to my mind.

Thanks!

 

[tlee618]

Joe, that was beautiful thanks for sharing it!! For those who have been lucky enough to find someone like this, they are truly blessed!!

 

[variomatic]

I think I know how you must be feeling, Bruce..
I´m 17 and I´m not a 100% sure that I´m gay, but I thought about having sex with men since I´m 14 years old. I quite like thinking about it and i don´t even feel sick when I do. I´m nearly sure that I´m gay and I also don´t care - at leats most of time. I just think about it sometimes when my friends disappoint me.
When I think back in my past, I must have been gay since day one. I prefered playing with BabyBorn and my favourite color was purple. I even had purple shoes.
At the moment, I don´t think about coming out because I like my life as it is and I don´t want to lose it. Well, I already did lose it some months ago when I was told my mum´s suffering on breast cancer - but she´s fine again and my life became normal in the last 2 months.
At the monet, I don´t have the guts to tell anyone. I don´t want to tell it to my parents because I´m afraid of diasspointing them and i don´t want to tell it to my friends either. Most of my friends are female but I come along with the boys as well. It´s not easy for me to come along with the boys.
It´s not that they´re mocking me or something like that. No, I´m just afraid of being alone with them...I don´t want to come out to my friends, because they find gays disgusting and when we´re watching films like "Brokeback Mountain" they´re screaming every 5 minutes. Annonying.
My fear is, that they won´t come along with me any longer if I tell them.
Well, as i already told, I don´t care that I´m gay and it isn´t a real problem that i didn´t come out yet. I live my life and when the time has come, I will tell them.
I´m still a virgin and I never had a girlfriend either. I don´t even want to try a girl. I would like to have a secret boyfriend and nobody would know. But it would also be enough to just try it. My sister is asking me all the time If I´m having a girlfriend and this afternoon, she even asked me if a female friend (my sister think it´d be my girlfriend ) of mine is going to sleep at our house at Saturday. Everybody thinks I´m in love with her and everbody is asking me about that. But that makes me sure that I´m behaving straight.
I have no clue about how my parents would react when I´d tell them that I´m gay. I think my father would accept it and I hope my mother learned to accept other peoples and their sexual orientation when she suffered on cancer. I think she got an other oppinion about people who are different.

 

[toggleswitch2]

In today's world young perople are more open to both sides of the fence and more experimentation. Who says you have to choose?

I'd say even if you are caught in bed with someone of an unexpected gender say "it was my first time"!

I'm not saying it's right but so many bi-s get married, and do what they have to do on "boys' night out". Of course less tragic if wifey is bi or gay and knows hubby is too.

I say look at it this way- one or ten experiences does not a person make. I'd say do what you have to do quietly and no one needs to see a tattoo on your forehead. That does not mean don't be proud of who G-d made you, and don't not rejoice in the perfection of who you are right this minute. All I'm saying is silence is golden, sometimes.

Most important is practice safer sex, never ever let booze be an excuse to do risky things, treat yoruself and your body with dignity, and you are sleeping with EVERYONE your partners have. THINK AND BE CHOOSEY!

Never ever ever believe "I cant get "it" because I'm not gay-"- this is THE BIGGEST lie married closet gay/bi men tell themselves as they do the riskiest things imaginable.

LOVE YOUSRSELf AND RESPECT YOURSELF.
Enjoy your youth and take LOTS of pictures---when you get to be 40-ish *LOL* the trolldom comes upon you quickly!

One word of advice livign the gay life means not living the "straight and narrow: life you have MANY more options. Choose wisely and remember this awful saying:

"No one loves you when you are old and g(r)ay."Have fun now but know it all calms down and think of your future too! Don't "Marry" too soon or too late!

Too much said.

PEACE!