Question for those on here who are gay

[supersurgilator]

This is something I have wanted to ask you guys for quite some time now, but have just worked up enough courage to do so. I'm 24 and have been struggling with my orientation for awhile. I'm almost 100% certain that I am gay, but it leaves me with some questions.
First off, my parents are not accepting of this lifestyle, therefore nobody knows. I'm at this stage in my life where I really want to be in a relationship, but that just isn't possible right now. Secondly, I went to a private middle and high school and this of course isn't accepted there. Combine these two things together and I feel like a failure for the way I am, like it isn't normal and I'm "weak". I don't consider myself to be good looking, and sometimes I feel like nobody would want me. Take all three of these and I feel really empty inside.
So, if you guys would feel comfortable to maybe share some experiences that would be great. (can do here of send me an email.) Also if you could let me know your age as well that would be great. Thanks for lisening and making me feel ok when I visit the board.

 

[petek]

Well I came out in the early 70's when I was about 17 and it turned out everyone in the family was ok with it even back then.
Where I think some mistakes are made with coming out is when someone comes out after living in the closet a number of years and then expects everyone to be accepting almost right away. Well that's great if it happens but it doesn't always happen, it's a shock to some and sometimes takes some people a long time to come around to it, days, weeks, months or years. So there's no point in getting angry with them, you've just dumped a huge bombshell on them that you've known about for years and they may need time to process it as well.

 

[perc-o-prince]

Hey Bruce,

I hope you've mistaken how your parents may feel about your orientation. Both NORMAL and GOOD LOOKING are only what we've been conditioned to accept as status quo. It isn't the same any more. Everyone's good looking to someone, and everyone's normal in the right situation.

I had no idea as to whether or not my parents would be accepting. They moved to PA when I was about 19 and I lived on my own in Buffalo. I made the decision that I would tell my parents I was gay once I was in a relationship.

That finally happened when I met Rich in '88 (I was 25). Of course my mother already knew (they always do) and she spoke to my father. He called a few minutes later and was basically accepting, though less so than my mother if I read his tone of voice correctly.

They met Rich when they came to spend a few days with us when we lived in Manchester, NH. Nothing remarkable, really, other than the fact that my mother and I got to talking, my father went to bed, then so did Rich, as no one could probably get a word in edgewise (my mother and I were like that from the day we lived apart). My father got a kick out of driving my Camaro. Really, that was about the most memorable part of the visit.

The next year, we went down there to spend a couple of days. There were two things that stood out about that visit.

1) My father and I went on a walk in the neighborhood, and, out of the blue, he asked me something to the effect of, "does one of you play the female role?" I straightened him out on that point nicely.

2) My father took Rich on a tour of the town, driving like a maniac (normal for him), and showed him the sights. "See that big house? That's where the doctor lives." "This is where there was coal mine." God bless Rich... he didn't go running away after we got home!!!

There was really no noticible tension or lack of comfort on their part around us. My father even gave Rich a slap in the back of the head one day, just like he always did to us (me and my 2 brothers).

I know I was lucky to have the parents I did, and it's not fair that I lost them so young. But, at least I have Rich's parents, and we get along great!

Wishing you the best,
Chuck

 

[jeffg]

Bruce, are you currently living with your parents? If so, your first step should be to establish your own ground: find your own apartment or house to rent, or move in with a friend (any friend, gay or straight). This will establish a level playing field with your parents. As long as you're living under their roof, they're going to feel justified in dominating you and your feelings.

The next step is to understand, on the most basic psychological level, that if some people -- even your own parents -- have a problem with your sexual orientation, it's their problem and not yours. This realization and self-acceptance are extremely empowering, and if you can get this much done, the rest usually falls into place with little or no effort.

I know from first-hand experience that Indiana can be a very scary place. But the world is a lot bigger, a lot smarter and (at least for the most part) a lot more loving than Indiana.

 

[jamman_98]

Well I did not come to terms with being gay until I was 29. I was terrified to tell my parents and could not bear their rejection. So when I told them at 35, they already knew. I loved my parents very much and did not want to disapoint them. Not that being gay was bad but it is not an easy thing even in these more liberal times. Fortunately they were very accepting. If you're on your own and independent, then you need to be true to yourself no matter what your parents may think. If they really love you, they will accept you. It is a risk but in the long run but honesty is always best. Also remember too that there are a lot of gay people who are going though the exact situation you're in. Don't feel alone, there's always some one for support. Best of luck.

Joe
jamman_98

 

[ronhic]

HUG!!!!!

Is the first thing you need.....

I don't think it appropriate to offer advice, but am happy to tell you of my experience...there may be something there you can use.

I had known I was gay since I was 18 or so...and on reflection, probably since I was a little kid. I went to a local primary and high school and during the last 2 years was on the Student representative council - an elected position. I wouldn't say that I was popular, but I did know a lot of people and I certainly wasn't disliked....

I lived at home until I was 25. Moved to my own place than then to Sydney 6m later in mid 1995. Still had not told anyone that I was gay. I moved to Melbourne mid 1996 and then back to Sydney in 1997....and finally back to Canberra in 1998.

The last move was a concious one. I wanted to tell my family and friends. Some of my friends knew as I had been asked to be godfather to their daughter so I plucked up the courage to tell 6 of my closest friends. In the course of 24hrs, I did.

NEVER tell someone while they are driving....Melanie nearly ended up a tree..

To say that my friends' reactions were encouraging is probably an understatement. I had tears (because she does), 'about bloody time you said something' and various other comments. They were, and are, fabulous people. That is why they are my friends and true friends are THE BEST POSSESSIONS.

Just before my 30th, I decided to tell my folks. Gathered the guts together and got the reinforcements in - my sister (she guessed over the phone, little sod). But first I need to tell you why I moved back to Canberra so that I could start this process. Livng 200miles away, coming home, dropping the 'gay bomb' and then getting back in the car and leaving on a Sunday was not something that I wanted to do. So I changed my career direction and moved back to Canberra so that I could be close. If there was fallout, I wanted to be the one picking up the pieces. It was important to me to not 'tell and run'.

Telling my parents was difficult, but made easier when I started the 'I have something I really need to tell you....' and my father instantly thought that I had done something tragic, lost my job etc....being told his son is gay somehow made it seem a little insignificant....

He was great.

I had not expected it as he was a bit of a lads-lad when younger and still is really. He used be a boxer, professional footballer and general sporty jock. But he got up, walked outside, did a couple of laps of the backyard then came back in and said 'I don't care that you are gay, you are my son and I love you regardless'. Even typing that now, 10yrs later is emotive.

I barely breathed with relief.

Mum was a bit different. Same house, same day. She came home from work and I was talking to her in the kitchen. I dropped it on her and she was very calm....too calm. But she was ok.

That was 1999.

I met Rod, my partner, while a friend and I were travelling Europe in 2000. I had accepted a redundancy package while in the UK and met Rod on GAY.com on the 30th December 2000. We chatted. I rang him and 8hrs later we hung up. Met on the 2nd January and those fatal words were said by the 4th. I came back to Oz to finish work and he came out early April 2001 to meet my parents/family/friends. We flew back late April 2001 and came back to Oz in May 2004.

Rod has blended seamlessly into my social circle and my niece and nephew adore him. He is as much a part of my family as my brother-in-law is...and that is just how it should be.

If I look back at the timeline of how I managed the process of telling people, there are large gaps between telling people and the next step. I didn't tell anyone I was gay and then introduce them to a 'partner'...only because I didn't have one. By not expecting people to deal with huge amounts of information, I think it was easier for them to go 'ok...' and just get on with life. I don't know what it would have been like if I had said 'I'm gay, here is my partner and I'm moving to London', but I think the reaction may have been a bit more severe.

I started this with 'I don't think it appropriate to give advice', but I do think we should consider the following.

-be mindful of peoples general attitudes, what is going on in their lives at that point in time (telling someone who has been made redundant, lost a baby etc....my not be the wisest thing when they are emotionally not well)
-choose your timing
-try not to 'dump' on them
-try not to be too emotional yourself

....and the list could go on

Ultimately, I started by telling some of my closest friends who I knew had other gay friends. Their reaction did give me confidence....

...and have another HUG!!!!

 

[dogboy44]

It's a little akward at first so get it over with.

Hey Supersurge:

Sounds like you are having a problem with acceptance. You want to know how old the rest of the queers are here? I am 53. Yesterday I was your age.
Get all this shit sorted out, so you can start living your life. It goes by faster than you will ever imagine.
I came out in the 70's when I was 16-17, and have not looked back. Be honest with yourself, you know how you really feel.
If you walk around like the hand you’ve been dealt is second best, that is all you'll ever be. I moved out of the house very early on and established myself as a gay man.

Being gay is not a lifestyle, living at the beach is a lifestyle. You don’t want to tell people you are gay because you see it as a source of shame
If you are wresting with coming out, you can see the argument made that sexual preference is a matter of choice is a load of crap.
Don't play like you are straight thinking that everyone will like you more, you will be surprised how much most people don't really care, and in the meantime you will be miserable.
Friends in life come and go, some you keep forever, some come and go like the tide. Oh and BTW, I don’t look like Ryan Reynolds either, look around few of us do.

 

[~sudsshane]

Hi Bruce~

I agree wholeheartedly with JeffG's advice to you. It is very important that you surround yourself with people who are supportive and compassionate.
Have you tried looking into finding a support group in your area that will help you through the coming out process? Contact a local Gay and Lesbian center in your area. I am sure they can help put you on the right path.

Keep us posted, and I feel confident in saying that any of us here at AW would be here for you if you need advice or guidance.

Good Luck!

Shane

 

[animasinsulinpu]

Dude`

It dosen't mater your sexuality. The fact IS you LOVE appliances. That is ALL that counts.....Bill in Az....

 

[laundromat]

Bruce,

I was gay from day one.As farback as I can remember.My problem(if you want to call it that) was I felt no different being me than anyone else until I became a junior high school student.my brother ( whom to this day refuses to speak to me at all)would set up friends of his to confront me and request "favors' while,during my willingness to submit,would be hidden up in a nearby tree snapping photos of my activities with a Polaroid to give to my Dad.Then,as I returned home,my Dad would litteraly kick me down the hall,take off all my clothes, tie my arms and legs to my bedposts and beat me mercilessly with his belt.I would fake falling asleep to make him leave.My mother was too fearfull to tell any authorities about his hatefull actions toward me and,after her suicide,I ran away permanantly.Four tries I made to make peace among all three of us,but no success there.
Years later,after getting his girlfriend praignant and finding out afterword she was a heroin addict,She gave birth to their son,addicted to heroin from day one.He needed special treatment but(and I wasn't surprised to find out)my brother threw his only child out on the street because he was dislexic.I hope things work out better for you than they did for me.

I'm fine now but only because I have become so accustemed to being alone,making my own decissions,chosing my own friends,making my own decissions and loving me for being me.I have no regrets.

 

[laundromat]

echo!,echo! lol

 

[countryford]

heres my story

First off I'm 25. I grew up in a very religious home. Wnet to a very strict Baptist school. I was taught it was wrong to be gay. Yet I can remember things that have happened since I was a kid that I look back on and realize that even back then I was gay. It wasn't till I was 15 that I actually came out to myself. At 18 I finally decided it was time to tell my family. My dad said, "I don't agree with it, but as long as your happy." my mom on the other hand said "Your going to hell.", "Thats the worst thing a boy could tell his mom." and my favorite "I wish'd you would rather have gotten a girl preagnant."

I never considered myself goodlooking. I had a few short term b/fs. nothing that lasted real long. About a year ago I found a great guy and we just recently bought a house together. We are both happy. He has met both my parents and they both accept him. My mom still isn't thrilled with the idea, but she is better than when I first came out.

 

[animasinsulinpu]

Assemblies of God

When I was 7 or 8 I found out what the word homosexual meant. That church beleives you are GOING straight, well gaily forward going to hell. So I prayed . And they beleive if you commit suicide youre still going to hell. So I prayed to get some kind of cancer and WHAT did I get? Type 1 Diabetes. Religion has caused more harm and killed more people than any other single idea... They ALL NEED to be taxed!!!!

 

[panthera]

Bruce,

Here's my advice. I'm 50.

1) How you feel about yourself will play a gigantic role in how your parents react. Homosexuality is not an illness, it is not a defect, it is not against God's will. But don't take my word for it, read. If you are strongly Christian, take a look at the resources over at http://www.gaychristiannetwork.com/.
Actually, they have a lot of good things to say regardless of your religious beliefs.
2) Indiana is not the world. But since you are there, try http://www.indiana.edu/~glbt/
They are an umbrella organization for many gay and lesbian groups and libraries and support groups for parents of gay children as well as gays in Indiana. You absolutely do not have to be a student or have anything to do with the university to call them or use their resources.

OK, once you have a better sense of yourself, this whole "homosexual lifestyle" will mean something very different to you. Personally, I am monogamous and engaged to be married to the most wonderful man in the world. Others my age are still living the same way they did when they were 18. Others do what is right and good for them. You don't have to be anything or do anything just because some idiot tells you that is "how" to be gay.

Safe sex, by the way, is just as important today as it was in the 1980's, but many guys your age don't think so. They are stupid, don't you be. From the generation before me right on down to yours, Aids has made some very big changes. Right now, life is getting better for homosexuals in the US, but you grew up in a very evil time when horrible people said and did many bad things to us. That is not how the US was when you were a baby, it is not how the Canada and Western Europe are, it is not how the US will be soon again. Look at Iowa! Look at Vermont! I live in a country where marriage is legal, the governors of two of our biggest provinces are gay, the head of the republican party here is gay! (FDP, for those who know) and they are all open and out and nobody cares one bit.

Once you know how you feel about yourself, then you can and should talk to your parents. If you expect problems, move out first. Don't use your steady boyfriend as an excuse "see, I am not like the others". That is wrong. Maybe you do want to have sex with three guys every week, and three other guys the next week...or maybe you and your childhood best friend are "it" for life. Or maybe you don't want to have sex with anyone right now. All three lifestyles are exactly the same way many heterosexual men your age live, and nobody associates that "lifestyle" with their sexuality.

Now, one thing I think you shouldn't be. Don't be a bitter queen. You'll meet enough of them. They are, sadly, a part of the gay community, just like the kid in Sunday school who always tattles on the others. Don't you be one of them. there are too many as it is.

I came out when I was 14. A late age, but I really wanted to be sure. My mom took awhile, my dad was cool with it (his best friend and his brother are both gay, so obviously he wasn't really bothered). My brother, 36 years later, is still a totally uncompromising jerk about it and so are all his kids, wife, etc. They cause a lot of problems in the family, not my being gay.

Enjoy your life. Find yourself. You are no better than and certainly no worse than anyone else in God's eyes. If you find you want to settle down and marry a man and that is you, go for it. If you decide you don't want to commit to just one person, fine - but in either case, be true to your friends.

Last piece of advice, and it is probably very highly judgmental, but I grew up in a part of the US which is even more conservative than Indiana. I know how to fight dirty. I know how to shoot a gun. I don't go to places where stupid heterosexual men are looking for a fight, but I walk like what I am, a guy who can seriously rip your balls off and feed them to you for dinner. If you aren't built that way, fine. There is a real discrimination in the gay community towards effeminate men. Don't hang around with guys like that, they're jerks.

You're lucky to be gay. We're lucky to have your here. Keep in touch with us.

 

[laundromat]

judgemental people

I was very blessed to meet true Christian people who I befriended decades ago.I also have met others since then and learned that a true Christian knows that---
A.No two people see out of the same two eyes
B.Anybody who is perfect(I only know of one indidual in history who can honestly say that)can judge someone else.
C.Don't even begin to ridicule,judge or damn anybody until you're willing to wear their shoes and walk down the roads they themselves have.
D.If you are so concerned about somebody else's life,death or well being,pray for them.Don't judge them.You neither know what they've been through prior to where they are now,nor do you know their destination or fate.You are also unaware that maybe someday you'll be in a situation where you 'll need their help,their support or their kindness.

 

[jeffg]

Chuck, you and I should meet and compare horror stories.

I'd write a book about my life but I really don't want to go on Oprah.

 

[superelectronic]

Stranger: "Are you out?" Me: "Who's askin

2008 was an interesting year for me. Officially, I changed jobs and made a new best friend. Unofficially, I made some other friends, quit smoking and took up men.

Official and unofficial is about where I stand with the whole orientation situation and I can well appreciate some of how Bruce is feeling. There’s always been a question mark over my sexuality and it wasn’t until I was about 20 when I shared a house with a guy who made my head spin that I allowed myself to consider being gay. Almost ten years later I can’t say I’m hugely further forward although increasingly I am being outed (or, rather, my sexuality has been disclosed beforehand) by those in the know to their friends and it’s a weird experience. Part of me flinches when I hear myself being described as gay even though, technically, it is the case. And therein lies the problem: whilst I can accept it on a personal level, the difficulty is accepting it within the context of wider society and how I am perceived by others. Admittedly, most people who now know don’t seem to have batted an eyelid...probably helped by living in a cosmopolitan area (and that’s before we consider the gay boss, gay neighbours, gay housemates and gay landlords...none of whom I have sought out – they have just somehow entered my life...perhaps there’s something cosmic afoot?).

Later today I will go to the family home for the Easter break. Needless to say, they know nothing of my sexploits (and to be fair, prior to last Good Friday I was totally celibate) and I have no particular intention of telling them. Probably they are well aware it’s possible given I’m pushing 30 and have yet to show off any (in)significant other. I know full well that it’s a pantomime of a situation...I just don’t want the confrontation. At present, they are under the illusion I have a “ladyfriend with no ties”...part hilarious, part guilt inducing...but it’s thrown them off the scent a while longer. No doubt my hand will be forced at some point in the future but until such time I am taking my chances and living each day as it comes (it’s at this point I hear the cries of “coward” but what can I say...it’s a foible!).

I don’t know where things will end up on this coming out minefield, but possibly the best thoughts to have are:

1) You’re only answerable to yourself when it comes down to it.
2) Labels and stereotypes are divisive and negative. You’re just you.

Now...time to get ready for another performance!! (Mine is probably not an example to follow).

Al

 

[jakeseacrest]

I waited to tell my parents once I moved out of their house for fear of being booted out! Once I told them they said that they assumed anyway and they didn't care. I was 25 at the time, but I had known for a few years....I think it was all my "friends" that I would bring home that tipped them off!

 

[jeffg]

Jake, I had the same experience. I first moved away from home when I was 15.

When a person comes out to his or her family, what many parents dread most is having to deal with it under their own roofs. It's much easier -- for all involved IMO -- if the person is living away from home.

Al, in an Italian family, if a guy isn't either a priest or married with children by the time he's 30, he's an absolute failure as a human being. I played the same game with my family, but it got old pretending to be someone I wasn't. The mutual denial was like an invisible wall between me and them.

 

[nmaineman36]

For myself I always knew I was gay. I did try the woman thing since a friend of mine said to me I should try a woman first. I was still a virgin and I went ahead and did just that. What a mistake that was. I realized then and there I wasnt for Filet-O-Fish.
Anyways coming out was kinda sorta not planned. You see when I was 19 I went a bookstore in Saco Maine called Bookland. I got up the nerve to buy "The Joy Of Gay Sex" manual. I got up to the register and handed the woman the book and she turned on the tape recorder to record what book was being bought and how much it was. Thats how they kept track of inventory. Well she couldnt keep her voice low so she said it loud enough that the whole store heard her. Here I was standing there and I just wanted to die. Then I turn around and my mother's best friend was standing in an aisle looking right at me. Anyways I bought the book and flew out of the store. I drove home and my mother was standing at the door and all she said was..." It musta been all the disco music you listened to that made you gay". My face dropped and I could feel the blood just drain out of me.
My dad didnt take it too well since he has a gay brother. Plus as time went on 2 of my other brothers turned out to be gay as well. If they say it enviornment I say they are full of it. Its genetic. So my sister and my baby brother are the breeders.
Anyways you should look at yourself and realize you are unique and fabulous. Your 25 and you know what people dont need to know unless you want them to. I look at it this way...People dont come out and tell you they are straight if you really think about it. But if you find the need to shout it from the rooftops then by all means knock yourself out. Besides being in the closet is such a waste of energy and you cant remember who you said what to and you spend so much time trying to cover up your tracks...

 

[panthera]

Mike,

You make an excellent post.
Now, I have always tended to be kinda an in-your-face person about human rights (bet nobody around here would've thought that, huh?)...but I agree with you 100%.
Why you tell someone you are gay says a lot about how you feel about yourself.

Given the nastiness we all grow up with in American society (especially the last eight years), it is understandable when someone is not all that crazy about discovering they're gay and it can't be changed. It is so important to read and learn and find out just how many of us there are out there who are not flaky, superficial idiots.

I don't know but what it isn't ironic that the same stupid arguments I got to here throughout the 70s, 80s and right up through the mid-90s from gays about why marriage was such a bad thing are exactly the same stupid arguments the christianists level at us today for wanting marriage.

Sheesh. Circular firing squad and a lost 30 years.

Kinda funny about your mom's friend ratting you out, at least from here. I can well imagine it wasn't so funny then.

 

[maytagbear]

It wasn't awful in my case---

I always knew I was "different."

I am now 48, rapidly heading to 49.

My mother was pretty good about it. She was intelligent, educated, and somewhat sophisticated. When I came out at 19, she wasn't happy, but she didn't have a fit or anything. She asked me if I was sure. I had never been as sure of anything, except for my fondness for appliances and cats.

My sister, (3 years older, only sibling) was less happy about it, and gave me a LITTLE attitude for a long time. She was very concerned over the years about how I reflected on her...and I did....as the odd, bookish, unathletic, overweight washer-loving kid. We're cool now. 700+ miles apart (I'm in Ohio, she's in a Twin Cities suburb, her happy marriage to her first {and so far only} husband.....and her three adult daughters.....)

Dad might have been a challenge, but I never knew, because he died not long after my 5th birthday. Dad had two younger brothers, and the first was decidedly bi, and Dad had trouble dealing with Uncle Nathan (not his real name, but close). Uncle Nathan married, and eventually had three daughters, but Uncle Nathan was never less than fabulous. He was also a United Methodist minister. Of the three brothers, he was the one who lived the longest, as well. Dad died at 40, Uncle Walt (again, not his real name) died at 41. Uncle Nathan made it into his mid 60s.

My extended family? Mixed bag. The cousins on my dad's side have been great. We've always been more like loving siblings than cousins. My cousins on my mom's side have been too busy drinking, but generally disapprove.

However, I have lots of wonderful friends, in life, and through teh intarnets. Friends are extremely important. If you don't have many, make some more!!!

As for me,(this is just ME, ok?) like so many other things in life, I try to take a middle ground. I neither deny nor shout. If anyone has the courage/curiosity/bad taste to ask, I tell. People have guessed over the years....I sound a bit like David Sedaris.

However...the bear thing is a mixed blessing. I can pass, as long as I keep my mouth shut, not that I am extremely interested in passing all the time. Many people still seem to think that guys who are round and hairy are always hetero!

Do some reading....there are some really good books out there now....a big public library can be a gay man's good friend. Especially in the 305s. (Social Science).

Try to relax. A favourite aunt of mine said that as long as I told the truth, and was nice, it would work out. So far, it has.

Not saying that the world is always a safe place, because it is not; but for the most part, for the most part if I am calm, polite, and accepting, that's been what I've received.

However, I have been gaybashed physically, but not for many years. Just make an effort to be aware of your surroundings.

One last thing: We're not the only ones with closets. Most people have aspects of their lives that are big and sometimes confusing.

Live and let live.

Have as much fun along the way as you can.

Lawrence/Maytagbear

 

[deeprinser]

Dear Supersugilator.
What I'm about to tell you is absolutely true.
I attended an all boys roman catholicgrammar school here in the UK from the age of 11 -16.
Upon embarking on my young adulthood in 1979-80 as a slightly sexually confused 16 yr old, I ventured onto the gay scene and all my self hatred and low self esteem evaporated.
I discovered that 4 of my good classmates from my old school were gay and we all bumped into each other in gay bars and clubs.
Then I bump into my 1st cousin who was also gay and told me that my Aunt was gay also.
Then I began working for a large banking organisation. (V.Conservative ) Yet again, I bumped into 5 people I worked with and a couple of them were the biggest "womanisers" on the department floor ! What a suprise ! Lol.....
My parents sort of knew all along .My sister was superb !

The moral of all this is that you may think the whole world is an alien place for you.
Let me tell you- YOU ARE WRONG !
Be the Good Hearted Person you are and Im sure you will see how good the world will be to you !
Oh ,and dont forget the "suprises" .
I hope this helps you a bit ?
Lou.x

 

[sudsman]

A lot of very good advise here .

but life has NOTHING to do with
being GAY or STRAIGHT. It is just life. It is never going to go just the way you think it should or hope it does. LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE MAKING PLANS TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.. Be fair treat others fair..What you do WILL come back to you. You should NOT be a DOORMAT for ANYONE. You deserve the best no matter who says different. Never feel that you should place yourself second and you will always be first.Live as YOU want NOT as others want you too. Yes their will be upsets and names called and many other such set backs.. But everyone has those things to deal with no matter who they sleep with. Good Luck always..

 

[toggleswitch2]

Does it matter?

My father asked me if I am gay.
I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “No, not really.”
I told him, “Yes.”
He said, “Get out of my Life.

”My boss asked me if I am gay.I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “No, not really.
”I told him, “Yes.”
He said, “You’re fired, faggot.”I guess it mattered.

My friend asked me if I am gay.
I said, “Does it matter?”
He said, “No not really.
”I told him, “Yes.”
He said, “Don’t call me your friend.”
I guess it mattered.

My love asked, “Do you love me?”
I said, “Does it matter?
”He said, “Yes.”
I told him, “I love you.”
He said, “Let me hold you in my arms.”For the first time in my life something mattered.

My God asked, “Do you love yourself?”
I said, “Does it matter?”
God said, “Yes.”
I asked, “How can I love myself - I’m gay.”
"This is the way I made you.”
Nothing again will matter.

ANONYMOUS STUDENT IN HIGH SCHOOL.

 

[mayguy]

Bruce,

Take your time, and also we are all here for you! *HUGS*

My life of growing up.

It was around first grade, I had this super huge crush on a guy named Chad. Mom said I can have friends over for sleep over for my birthday. I invited had Chad over, and when we changes to our PJ, I saw him in his underware, and right then I knew something was up with me.

Around 5th grade, I recall seeing something on the news about gay or something, and all I saw was guys in leather, and drag, and I was thinking, is that me?? Noway... I also recall along the line of mom saying if I ever brought a guy home, it won't be good.

When I went away for High School, and lived in a dorm setting, so always saw guys nude in the shower room everday, I knew I liked guy but never called myself gay. A couple of years later, me and a friend started messing around together.. I said I gotta give a girl a shot. I hung out with one girl, and one night she gave me a french kiss.... OMG, I almost got sick... I pushed her away when she put her tongue in my mouth. After that, all I can think of was Ryan. (guy i messed with for about 3 years in HS)

After HS, I was "dry" for about 3 years, and I got my first computer and went on AOL, went into my first gay chat room, and took me a whle to admit I was gay... After talking to guys like me, I felt fine with it knowing that gay are not always the guys in leather or drag queen.

I was about 25 when I came out to my cousin and he was super cool with it. he told a couple of other cousins of mine and they were fine. I wanted to tell my parents and my dad's health wasn't the best, so I held back.

I was about 30 when I started to see my partner (still with him) and my grandmother has met him a numbers of time, and she invited him to our family Christmas. I still havne't come out to my parents yet.. That day at the family gathering, I think mom put the two and two together, and she didn't say much the whole day and left home early.

Next day she stopped at work to see me and asked me to come up to the house for supper. I went up to the house, and I said, I am guessing you are wondering who Eric is? She said yes, and I told her well, I have to say that I am gay. She did cry for a little bit, and she said I will always love you no matter what. We hugged, and I told her I will always be the Jay you know, I am not changing anything, and I play everythign safe. Dad did have a hard time at first, but got over it just fine.

They both love Eric and we are always at family gathering together, and everyone on both side of the famlily has no issues.

Guess mom said she suppected all along, just never put a finger on it.

If you want to talk, feel free to e-mail me.

Jay

 

[strongenough78]

Bruce,

One thing you have to remember is, you're always going to come across people who won't like you because you're gay, even your own family members. But also remember that no matter what you're going to meet some very nice and interesting people. I started coming out in highschool, but I've always known there was something different about me. I came out to my mom and brother in 2002 and they were totally accepting of it. My father on the other hand, I haven't told partly because of a friend of his who has a son who is gay, and my father would always refer to him as "the queer son". I'm sure I'll tell him someday, when I feel ready to. I personally don't feel the need to change who I am to make others happy. I've had friends ask me to "tone it down" when I was to be around their other friends who are straight. Did that stop me? HELL NO! I told said friend I'll either be my true self around who ever I am around, or I just won't be there. And you shouldn't feel the need to not be yourself either. You'll be surprized at how many heterosexuals are very accepting of gay people, especially straight women. I have more straight friends in the town I live in than I do gay friends, and they all know about me. Hell some even play flirt around with me just to be silly, and to show that they are totally cool with it. And many statistics show, that straight men who are secure with themselves can take a gay man flirting with them or joking around and not get offended. It's the ones who are battling their own orientation or have skeletons in their closets that get offended or have a problem with men or women who are open about who they are.

As far as the gay community itself, you'll also meet some who treat you like dirt because you don't meet their expectations as far as looks. THOSE gay men you don't need in your life anyway, cause everything is always all about THEM. Anyone who judges their friends based on their looks is about as shallow as a frying pan. And they will someday learn that they should have treated people better, when they're older and get rejected by the hottest gay man in the bar that they probably would have had luck with 10 or 15 years prior. That's the type of gay man you don't want to be. The shallow, youth obsessed queens who think just because you bought your outfit at WalMart that you aren't worthy of a decent conversation or even a friendly Hello. You'll know who they are when you meet them lol. You say you don't concider yourself goodlooking. Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some will think you're not attractive, other's will think you're the most beautiful person in the world. It all depends on personality and self presentation. Present yourself with confidence, but don't be concieted. Show others that you are a caring person who will be there for them no matter what. Just be strong enough not to let others treat you like a door mat and walk all over you. I did that enough when I was coming out and all it got me was hurt. Self confidence is another attribute you need to build up. I have guys tell me I'm so cute or handsome, and others that wouldn't give me the time of day. We all go through it, it's a part of life. The only person you have to worry about making happy, and accepting of who you are IS yourself.

So, don't worry if you don't meet the man of your dreams right away. I'm 30 years old and still have yet to meet anyone. I'm not saying it would take you that long, just be prepared for anything. What you need to concentrate on more is making friends. You've had many men on here tell you of their experiences and have told you that no matter what, everything will be ok, and it will. You can come to us anytime you need to to vent any feelings, ask any questions, or if you need a shoulder to cry on. I always have an open ear and shoulder policy, so don't be afraid to use it.

You're beginning a whole new experience in your life, and it can be the best one you'll ever have, if you let it. For every up there is a down and vise versa. Do becareful out there but don't totally hide yourself. As far as your family, I can't really give any advise on how to handle that. You'll come out to them when YOU'RE ready to. Don't let anyone force you to. Only 2 possible outcomes can happen, either they accept it, or they won't. Most parents who seem to be against people being gay, usually change that point of view when it's their own flesh and blood involved, but then some don't. If they do, then that's great. Don't drop too much on them at one time that they can handle though. You have to ease them into it. And, if unfortunately they don't accept it. Just remember that you DO have another family here, and anywhere you make family. Family isn't just flesh and blood, it's what you make of it.

I really hope we have all helped you out in anyway we could. And do not hesitate to talk to us more about it, or ask any questions you need to. I personally, will answer ANY question thrown at me about homosexuality. How else will others learn if they don't know, right? Take care of yourself Bruce. Come see us or write us when you need to. Be strong, enjoy life and for Christ's sake, have some fun!!! XOXOXO

Sincerely,

Vern S. Anderson

 

[strongenough78]

And in case anyone is curious, this is me... lol.

 

[panthera]

Wow.

There are so many cool people here.

I can only echo what Vern said. Guys who only care about you having the "right" look, are simply not interesting.

Sex is easy to find on any street corner - men are like that. But friends (and a lover who is not a friend is neither, just someone you exchange DNA with) are people who care about you and about whom you care.
Oh, ye stars and little fishies, I get so tired of the once-a-year TV "Kingdom of the Animals, today: Birds of Paradise" coverage of Christopher Street Day. Sure, that exuberance is a part of being gay you can enjoy...but that is only one tiny facet of what and who we are. What we really need is more media presence showing us in loving, committed relationships. That would do more to help young men and women coming out than the images the media otherwise offers.

I wrote the NY Times about that a few years back. Serious three part series on gay marriage and every single opener had the usual gorgeously bejeweled and eyelinered queen standing on the float waving her boa...got back a real answer: Dear Sir, sorry to reply so late, we received over 20,000 e-mails with your complaint...we will do better the next time.

And they did. And they have. Times and attitudes are changing. We have the christianists on the run. Now, we need to drive it home.

 

[deeprinser]

Hi Panthera-
Christians on the run ? -Dont make me laugh !
I have known more non-Christians ( atheists ) who dont "accept" gay people.
Truly.
Lou.