Stupid joke

[veg-o-matic]

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car suddenly started making a strange noise. Luckily, there was a small village just ahead with a service station.

The penguin pulls into the service station and explains the problem. The mechanic, noticing that oil is leaking from the penguin's car says "This could take a while to diagnose. Why don't you step across to the diner and have lunch. By the time you're done, I should know what the problem is."

The penguin thinks this is a swell idea and goes across the street to the diner. There, he enjoys a Herring Platter (herringburger, fries and cole slaw) and a diet soda. For dessert, he treats himself to a big bowl of vanilla ice cream.

Full and serene, the penguin goes back across the street to the service station and finds the mechanic.

"Hmmm," says the mechanic. "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin, wiping his face replies "It's vanilla ice cream! I swear!"

veg (who's not quitting his day job)

 

[jasonl]

Thibodaux passed in front of Boudreaux's house the other day and saw a sign that said "Boat fo sale". So Thib knocked on de door, "Mais Boudreaux, Ah didn know you had a boat." Boudreaux sed, "I don't got no boat, you see dat old truck and dat Chevrolet in da yard? Dey BOAT (both) for sale"

 

[jasonl]

This one should offend both Texas and Lousiana

What's the difference between a Coona$$ and a horse's a$$?

The Sabine river.

(ducks and runs)

And just kidding of course.

 

[gansky1]

Freda and Fred for many years had referred to their lovemaking as "washing clothes." One night, Fred says to Freda, "you wanna wash clothes?" Freda said "no, I'm too tired." Several more times Fred pleaded with Freda to wash clothes but each time the answer was the same. At 4 AM, Freda wakes Fred up from a sound sleep and asks if he'd still like to wash clothes. Fred replies, "no thanks, it was a small load so I did it by hand."

 

[mint46]

cheesy funny

How do you trap a polar bear on ice?

You cut a hole in the ice, place peas around the hole and when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him right in the ice hole!

*dork dork*

 

[markwb]

Two robins sat in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I just love baskin' robins."

 

[markwb]

....and speaking of Baskin-Robbins

It seems there was this scientist who spent years perfecting his own
version of the cloning technique. Finally he was ready to test his theories,
and decided to clone himself. He did so with amazing results, making a
PERFECT copy of himself, or so it seemed.....

This same guy tried again; he cloned himself and the clone did nothing
but cry. All day and all night, it just cried. So he put the clone away,
and tried again. This time, it just laughed. The clone would chuckle,
giggle, howl, just laugh uproariously all the time. This too was a
failure, so the poor man tried ONE LAST TIME. The clone, when it came out,
appeared flawless. But the first thing that happened when it was awakened
was, it SCREAMED! Then it screamed again, and again. It seemed as if it
would never stop.

"At last!" cried the scientist. "I have finally developed the
perfect.... I SCREAM CLONE!!

 

[jamman_98]

Cloning part 2

There was a busy man who just felt that he could not get all the things he wanted to get accompllshed done in a day. One day he came upon an company ad that said they could make an exact duplace of a person. So the guy goes to the place and has a copy of himself made. Thing are going well and he gets twice the work done. After a while though he notices that his new twin has a foul mouth. After several weeks he decides to get rid of him because it has become an embarrassment to him. So he takes the twin to a cliff and pushes him off. Later that day the police come to his home to arrest him for making and obscene clone fall. -- (rim shot)

Joe
Jamman_98

 

[SactoTeddyBear]

Re: Nuns Dress Code:

Did you know that there is a Dress Code for Nuns, on their Undergarments?

They are required to ware "Cross Your Heart Bras"

and "No Nonsense Panty Hose"

Did you know that a Priest can kiss a Nun now, as long as he stays out of the "Habit"...

 

[thor]

Bank

A man had been appointed by his bank to arrange the settlement of all his debts. Scared, he asked his accountant how he should dress. "In shreds", the accountant answered. "Let them think you are a beggar!"
His lawyer advised him quite the opposite. "Use your most expensive suit! Let them think you are a rich man!"
More confused than ever, he asked the same question to his Rabbi. The Rabbi thought for a while and then told him the following story: "A bride asked her mother what should she wear on her wedding night. The mother suggested to use a long gown from neck to toe, made with the heaviest woolen fabric." But her best friend advised her just the opposite: to use the lightest and smallest lingerie."
The man looked at the Rabbi, now really confused. "What's this story got to do with my problem?", he asked.
To which the wise Rabbi answered: "Man, no matter how you dress up for the occasion, you'll get f....d anyway".

 

[mixfinder]

Dinner

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner?
His friends gave him the cold shoulder!

Did you hear about the cannibal who was so upset he threw up his hands?

The cannibal came home after a hard day at work and said, "Oh darn, everyone's eaten!"

There's more
Kelly

 

[jamman_98]

Cannibals pt 2

Do you know why cannibals don't eat clowns? They taste funny

Joe
jamman_98

 

[mixfinder]

Cannibals

Did you hear about the Catholic missionary who worked with the cannibals?
Now they only eat fishermen on Fridays!
Kelly

 

[SactoTeddyBear]

Re: Monks Fish-N-Chips:

A Couple of Monks were running their Fish-N-Chips Restaurant and they had a Customer sitting at the Counter area, talking to one of the Monks.

He was commenting about how great their Fish-N-Chips were and he then asked the Monk, if was he the Fish Fryer?

No, answered the Monk, I'm the "Chip-Monk"

 

[SactoTeddyBear]

Re: Moron Joke Stories:

Why did the Moron throw the Clock out the Window?

He wanted to see "Time Fly"

If a Big Moron and a Little Moron were standing on top of the Empire State Building and they dared each other to Jump, which of them would have the most Guts?

The Street Sweeper...

Why did the Moron take some Hay to Bed with him?

Because he was having "Night Mares"

How do you get a 1-Armed Moron to let go of the Tree Limb, he is hanging from?

You Wave at Him...

A Younger Moron is going from house to house, trying to earn some money, doing Odd-Jobs. He goes to a house and asks the person that opens the Door, if they had any Odd-Jobs that he could do for them.

The person tells the Moron that he would like to have their Porch Re-Painted with some Forest Green Paint that they had bought. The Moron tells them that wouldn't be that difficult of a Job.

He knocks on the Door a while later, telling the person that they were done, but they couldn't figure out why they wanted their Porsche to be Re-Painted Forest Green...

 

[ironrite]

First Dirty Joke My Father Told Me

A man meets a lady of questionable virture and asks how much would it cost to spend some time with her.

The lady replies $5.00.

The man says, "$5.00! With Pleasure!"

The lady replies, "With Pleasure...that will be $10.00"

 

[mixfinder]

Naive Priest

A priest goes to town. A prostitute approaches him and says, "How about a quickie, for five dollars?"
Not having a clue what she is talking about, he demures.
When he returns to the abby, he asks Mother Superior,"What"s a quickie?"
Her reply, "Five bucks, just like down town!"

 

[SactoTeddyBear]

Re: Christmas Pageant:

The Minister was getting the Kids ready for the Christmas Pageant and tells Johnny that "On-Cue" you are to come out and light the Candles. The Cue is that the Minister will say: and the Angel lights the Candles.

The Minister is telling his Christmas Story and he gets to the part about the Candles and says: and the Angel lights the Candles.

No response, so the Minister says it again, but this time a little louder: and the Angel lights the Candles.

Still no response, so the Minister says it again, this time quite loud: and the Angel lights the Candles.

The Johnny walks out onto the Alter and says real loud: and the Cat Wet the Matches...

 

[jasonl]

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

 

[mixfinder]

Joke

What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker
Hop in!