Stupid joke
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eluxomarty
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here's my favorite stupid one...
Skelaton walks into a bar and says " Bartender, I'll have a beer and a mop!"
Skelaton walks into a bar and says " Bartender, I'll have a beer and a mop!"
Crossing the road
How come the skeleton couldn't cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why did the little boy cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the vegetatian cross the road?
To get to the Food Co-Op.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum how!
Why did the pervert cross the road?
And you really thought I'd give the answer here?!?
Kelly
How come the skeleton couldn't cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why did the little boy cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the vegetatian cross the road?
To get to the Food Co-Op.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum how!
Why did the pervert cross the road?
And you really thought I'd give the answer here?!?
Kelly
Don't Read This Post if You Have Reservations
A couple were married for years and very backward about using the words assigned to sexuality.
They would use statements like, "How about putting some bread in the toaster?"
One night the husband says to his wife, "How about doing some wash?"
She relies, "No, the washer is broken".
The husband lets out a long sigh and rolls over.
The wife begins thinking to herself, he's a good man, kind and faithful and an excellent provider.
She rethinks her answer and taps him on the shoulder.
"Honey the washer is working again!"
"Oh nevermind," the husband replies, "it was a small load and I wrang it out by hand!".
A million apologies,
Kelly
A couple were married for years and very backward about using the words assigned to sexuality.
They would use statements like, "How about putting some bread in the toaster?"
One night the husband says to his wife, "How about doing some wash?"
She relies, "No, the washer is broken".
The husband lets out a long sigh and rolls over.
The wife begins thinking to herself, he's a good man, kind and faithful and an excellent provider.
She rethinks her answer and taps him on the shoulder.
"Honey the washer is working again!"
"Oh nevermind," the husband replies, "it was a small load and I wrang it out by hand!".
A million apologies,
Kelly
jasonl
New member
A Presbyterian minister, a Baptist Preacher, a Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were in a boat fishing one fine weekend.
Suddenly the Rabbi spoke, "Now we're all men of God, and I believe we should be able to confide in each other our own deep dark sins, knowing that the Almighty will forgive us in the end. Let me start. I have a problem with smoking. After I give a long sermon I sneak behind the synagogue and light one up."
After a few minutes, the Catholic Priest spoke up, "Well, Rabbi, I have a problem with sex. I'm sworn to cellibacy but sometimes I just have the urge to go to certain places and do certain things."
Then the Presbyterian Minister spoke up, "I have a problem with drinking. I love a few beers on Sunday afternoon and I frequent a few bars Saturday night."
The Baptist sat there awhile and said, "You know, I have problem with gossipping and man I can't wait to get back home!"
Suddenly the Rabbi spoke, "Now we're all men of God, and I believe we should be able to confide in each other our own deep dark sins, knowing that the Almighty will forgive us in the end. Let me start. I have a problem with smoking. After I give a long sermon I sneak behind the synagogue and light one up."
After a few minutes, the Catholic Priest spoke up, "Well, Rabbi, I have a problem with sex. I'm sworn to cellibacy but sometimes I just have the urge to go to certain places and do certain things."
Then the Presbyterian Minister spoke up, "I have a problem with drinking. I love a few beers on Sunday afternoon and I frequent a few bars Saturday night."
The Baptist sat there awhile and said, "You know, I have problem with gossipping and man I can't wait to get back home!"
jasonl
New member
What do you call a blind deer?
No idea. (no eye deer)
What do you call a cross between a rhinocerous, an elephant, and a hippopotamus?
Hell if I know.
No idea. (no eye deer)
What do you call a cross between a rhinocerous, an elephant, and a hippopotamus?
Hell if I know.
thor
Well-known member
Three nuns who took care of the parish were talking about how boring her chores were, and agreed to do something "out of the customary", and comment the following week what they had done.
A week passed, and the first nun told the other two how she had sneaked inside the priest's bedroom, had opened one of the drawers of his drawer chest, had found his underwear, and had had very bad thoughts while she held a trouser in her hands.
The second nun had also sneaked inside the priest's bedroom, had opened one of the drawers, had found a box full of r------s, and had pierced every single one of them with a needle.
The third nun let out a long sigh and fainted...
A week passed, and the first nun told the other two how she had sneaked inside the priest's bedroom, had opened one of the drawers of his drawer chest, had found his underwear, and had had very bad thoughts while she held a trouser in her hands.
The second nun had also sneaked inside the priest's bedroom, had opened one of the drawers, had found a box full of r------s, and had pierced every single one of them with a needle.
The third nun let out a long sigh and fainted...
jasonl
New member
Catholics
Geez, looks like Catholics are getting the brunt of some of these jokes. Priests and nuns always getting it in some kind of naughty way.
Re: Cat wet the matches. If you understand Cajun French, it's a hilarious joke. It doesn't come out quite the same in English.
When Boudreaux was young, he courted his girlfriend by playing on the piano. One night he sez to Matilda, "I'm gonna play you dat pretty song called da Hurricane Waltz". He started banging away on the piano while Matilda's little dog, Phideaux (pronounced "Fido") lay under the piano bench. Suddenly, Boudreaux let out a loud fart. He said, "Puppy, get outta here". He played the piano some more and made another loud, greasy fart. "Puppy! Get you!". He played some more and made another one, "Puppy! Get youself from under dere". Suddenly Matilda replied, "Get away from there puppy before Boudreaux sh*t all over you."
Geez, looks like Catholics are getting the brunt of some of these jokes. Priests and nuns always getting it in some kind of naughty way.
Re: Cat wet the matches. If you understand Cajun French, it's a hilarious joke. It doesn't come out quite the same in English.
When Boudreaux was young, he courted his girlfriend by playing on the piano. One night he sez to Matilda, "I'm gonna play you dat pretty song called da Hurricane Waltz". He started banging away on the piano while Matilda's little dog, Phideaux (pronounced "Fido") lay under the piano bench. Suddenly, Boudreaux let out a loud fart. He said, "Puppy, get outta here". He played the piano some more and made another loud, greasy fart. "Puppy! Get you!". He played some more and made another one, "Puppy! Get youself from under dere". Suddenly Matilda replied, "Get away from there puppy before Boudreaux sh*t all over you."
Nikos was taking with Spiros on their small Greek island. They had just returned to from their 2 year conscription with the army. They were toying with the idea of going to America.
"Yeah, I'd go with ya, since I know the job prospects here stink" says he. "But I'd have a hard time leaving my little brothers behind".
"Yeah, I'd go with ya, since I know the job prospects here stink" says he. "But I'd have a hard time leaving my little brothers behind".
thor
Well-known member
The bar had a piano and a man was playing while his monkey went around here and there with a tip jar. This big guy comes into the bar and orders a beer. No sooner he gets his glass of beer the monkey makes a long jump, lands right besides the glass of beer and takes a long sip from the man's glass. The big guy, extremely furious, goes straight to the piano player, raises him strangling his neck: "Hey, do you know your monkey sipped from my glass of beer".
The piano man shaking says, "No, but if you wistle it maybe I can pick it up on the piano".
The piano man shaking says, "No, but if you wistle it maybe I can pick it up on the piano".
SactoTeddyBear
Well-known member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2004
- Messages
- 1,302
Re: 3-Nun's in the Train Station:
There were 3-Nun's sitting in the Train Station, waiting for the Train for their departure. The 1-Nun was reading the Paper and the other 2-Nun's were talking to each other. The first Nun said to the other, if I had it to do over again, I would like to be like Sophia Loren. The second Nun said to the other, if I had it to do over again, I would like to be like Rachel Welch.
The Nun reading the Paper, said to the other 2-Nun's "No, No Sisters" if I had it to do all over again, I would like to be like Virginia Pepeleane.
The other 2-Nun's asked the other Nun, "Who is Virginia Pepeleane?" The Nun reading the Paper, told them that she was the Headlines of the Paper. The other 2-Nun's asked her to show them the Paper Headlines, of which it was titled:
"900 Men, Lay Virginia Pipeline"
There were 3-Nun's sitting in the Train Station, waiting for the Train for their departure. The 1-Nun was reading the Paper and the other 2-Nun's were talking to each other. The first Nun said to the other, if I had it to do over again, I would like to be like Sophia Loren. The second Nun said to the other, if I had it to do over again, I would like to be like Rachel Welch.
The Nun reading the Paper, said to the other 2-Nun's "No, No Sisters" if I had it to do all over again, I would like to be like Virginia Pepeleane.
The other 2-Nun's asked the other Nun, "Who is Virginia Pepeleane?" The Nun reading the Paper, told them that she was the Headlines of the Paper. The other 2-Nun's asked her to show them the Paper Headlines, of which it was titled:
"900 Men, Lay Virginia Pipeline"
Steve, do you wonder how many heads that might of flew over? LOL!
jasonl
New member
Flew over mine
Yeah, again, Toggle, no idea.
Yeah, again, Toggle, no idea.
They are Greeks after all.......
Will this joke help you with that joke?
Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?
A: With a crowbar.
Now a re-capitaulation/modification of the prior joke~~
George and Mike were talking about leaving Greece to go to America. One says: I'd go with ya, but I'd have a hard time leaving my little brothers behind.
Sometimes the apostrophe makes the difference--
"But I'd have a hard time leaving my little brother's behind". (one brother)
"But I'd have a hard time leaving my little brothers' behind". (two brothers)
Does the apostrophe help? Please don't let me make an ASS of myself.
Here is what "Conscription" means. (Not relevant in this version of the joke):
Any questions? *LOL*
dictionary.reference.com
Will this joke help you with that joke?
Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?
A: With a crowbar.
Now a re-capitaulation/modification of the prior joke~~
George and Mike were talking about leaving Greece to go to America. One says: I'd go with ya, but I'd have a hard time leaving my little brothers behind.
Sometimes the apostrophe makes the difference--
"But I'd have a hard time leaving my little brother's behind". (one brother)
"But I'd have a hard time leaving my little brothers' behind". (two brothers)
Does the apostrophe help? Please don't let me make an ASS of myself.
Here is what "Conscription" means. (Not relevant in this version of the joke):
Any questions? *LOL*
Dictionary.com | Meanings & Definitions of English Words
The world's leading online dictionary: English definitions, synonyms, word origins, example sentences, word games, and more. A trusted authority for 25+ years!
dictionary.reference.com
A man walked into a bar with a box under his arm. He put the box up onto the bar and sat on a stool next to it.
He said to the barman "a beer for myself and a thimble of whiskey for my little friend." He raised the lid of the box, placed the thimble of whiskey inside, raised his beer glass, looked into the box, said "your good health" and drank his beer. Piano music came faintly from inside the box.
The barman looked intrigued.
The customer called the barman over and asked for the same again.
Again he lifted the lid of the box, placed the thimble of whiskey inside, raised his glass, looked into the box, said "your good health", and drank his beer. Again when the lid was lifted, piano music could be faintly heard from inside the box.
The barman couldn't hide his curiosity so he asked the man what was in the box. The man lifted the the lid and allowed the barman to peek inside. Inside the box was a tiny leprechaun, enthusiastically playing the piano.
"That's amazing!" said the barman. "However did you find him?"
"well, you see..." said the customer. "I helped this little old lady across a busy road. When we got across she thanked me. She said she was a witch and would grant me one wish. She must have been half deaf, I guess, and thought I asked her if I could have a ten inch pianist..."
Chris.
He said to the barman "a beer for myself and a thimble of whiskey for my little friend." He raised the lid of the box, placed the thimble of whiskey inside, raised his beer glass, looked into the box, said "your good health" and drank his beer. Piano music came faintly from inside the box.
The barman looked intrigued.
The customer called the barman over and asked for the same again.
Again he lifted the lid of the box, placed the thimble of whiskey inside, raised his glass, looked into the box, said "your good health", and drank his beer. Again when the lid was lifted, piano music could be faintly heard from inside the box.
The barman couldn't hide his curiosity so he asked the man what was in the box. The man lifted the the lid and allowed the barman to peek inside. Inside the box was a tiny leprechaun, enthusiastically playing the piano.
"That's amazing!" said the barman. "However did you find him?"
"well, you see..." said the customer. "I helped this little old lady across a busy road. When we got across she thanked me. She said she was a witch and would grant me one wish. She must have been half deaf, I guess, and thought I asked her if I could have a ten inch pianist..."
Chris.
A man walked into a bar. With him were an emu and a cat. They sat down together at a table.
The man ordered and paid for three beers, they thirstily drank one each.
After a little while the emu ordered and paid for three beers, which they each drank.
Then after a while the man ordered another round of drinks, and not long after the emu ordered another round.
This continued for a couple of hours, the man ordering and paying for a drink each for the three of them, then the emu ordering and paying for a round. The cat never ordered any drinks but drank a glass from each round.
Eventually the barman went over and asked the man, "why are you drinking with an emu and a cat? And why doesn't the cat ever buy a round of drinks?"
The man explained "I once found an old silver lamp at the beach. I polished it up and, Whoosh, out came a Genie. The genie granted me a wish.
I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy and this is what I got..."
Chris.
The man ordered and paid for three beers, they thirstily drank one each.
After a little while the emu ordered and paid for three beers, which they each drank.
Then after a while the man ordered another round of drinks, and not long after the emu ordered another round.
This continued for a couple of hours, the man ordering and paying for a drink each for the three of them, then the emu ordering and paying for a round. The cat never ordered any drinks but drank a glass from each round.
Eventually the barman went over and asked the man, "why are you drinking with an emu and a cat? And why doesn't the cat ever buy a round of drinks?"
The man explained "I once found an old silver lamp at the beach. I polished it up and, Whoosh, out came a Genie. The genie granted me a wish.
I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy and this is what I got..."
Chris.
Donkey
A man walks in a bar and reads a sign:
MAKE THE DONKEY LAUGH AND WIN 100.00.
He walks over and whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey laughs. (I guess if a donkey laughed it's ass off there would'nt be any mules!)
A year later he walks in the same bar and sees a sign:
MAKE THE DONKEY CRY AND WIN 100.OO
He asks permission to take the donkey out back and the whole bar can hear the piteous sobs.
The bartender asks, what did you do. The man's reply:
Last time I was here, I told him my p@n@s was bigger than his and this time I showed him!
A man walks in a bar and reads a sign:
MAKE THE DONKEY LAUGH AND WIN 100.00.
He walks over and whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey laughs. (I guess if a donkey laughed it's ass off there would'nt be any mules!)
A year later he walks in the same bar and sees a sign:
MAKE THE DONKEY CRY AND WIN 100.OO
He asks permission to take the donkey out back and the whole bar can hear the piteous sobs.
The bartender asks, what did you do. The man's reply:
Last time I was here, I told him my p@n@s was bigger than his and this time I showed him!
thor
Well-known member
A man went fishing for his first time, and after two boring hours and not having catched anything starts walking the river shore back home.
After he'd walked for a couple of minutes he met this man that was also fishing, but he'd catched more than 10 fish. He asked the man, "Excuse me sir, what do you use as bait?".
"You see", the man answered, "Actually I'm a surgeon, and I save all the child tonsils I extract and later use them as bait".
The guy keeps walking back home and meets another fisher, who'd catched more than 20 fish. He asked the man the same question, and the man replied, "Actually I'm a surgeon, and I save all the moles I extract and later use them as bait".
He kept walking home, and he met a third fisher, who'd catched more than 100 fish! He incredously asked, "Doctor, what do you use as bait?" To which the man replied: "Actually, I'm a Rabbi..."
After he'd walked for a couple of minutes he met this man that was also fishing, but he'd catched more than 10 fish. He asked the man, "Excuse me sir, what do you use as bait?".
"You see", the man answered, "Actually I'm a surgeon, and I save all the child tonsils I extract and later use them as bait".
The guy keeps walking back home and meets another fisher, who'd catched more than 20 fish. He asked the man the same question, and the man replied, "Actually I'm a surgeon, and I save all the moles I extract and later use them as bait".
He kept walking home, and he met a third fisher, who'd catched more than 100 fish! He incredously asked, "Doctor, what do you use as bait?" To which the man replied: "Actually, I'm a Rabbi..."
thor
Well-known member
As I've been told, in Israel no sooner they finish printing a book, a Rabbi comes and cuts the book's Preface.
Modern but slightly funny
Top Ten Old West Phrases from movies That Will Never Sound The Same
Brokeback Mountain!
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
Kelly
Top Ten Old West Phrases from movies That Will Never Sound The Same
Brokeback Mountain!
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
Kelly
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