Aging parent laundry or the lack of doing laundry

[seeitrun2006]

I started taking care of my parents beginning September 2008. Mom has dementia and Dad is just 81 years old, cheap and cranky.

My Dad has never, ever done laundry or any form of house work in his entire life. Until 2008 he did not know how to ever turn on the washing machine. He has now taken it upon himself to do their laundry. I will give him a A+ for trying. They have a whirltag/maypool center dial centinial washer. I have notice their clothes never look clean and ALWAYS covered in lint. Now I know why all the above is happening.

My Dad washes EVERYTHING together. Towels, wash clothes, dish towels, dirty jeans, dress clothes...etc all together in the washer. He works in the yard none stop all day and his clothes are really nasty by the end of the day. His also smokes about a pack a day. So his clothes really stink! They go into the mix also with everything else. My Mom's dementia has caused her to become addicted to paper towels. There is always paper towels in her pockets which gets washed also. So you can imagine what their laundry looks like. My Dad is so cheap he will not let me or my Mom use their Gas clothes dryer. "That d*mn thing is wasting my propane Gas". He wants everything put onto the clothes line.

I also discovered that he is washing everything in cold water. Their water comes from a well and it is very, very cold. They use regular Tide powders. However the cup that comes with the detergent has three measurement lines on it. No matter how dirty their clothes are or how large the load is he puts in very little Tide.

My Dad is extremely CHEAP! Using cold water saves on my propane Gas bill. AGREED! Per my Dad "I use the bare minimum detergent to save my money". GEEZ! I went thru his closet yesterday and I could not believe the dirty clothes hanging in there. He wears dress shirts to church several Sundays in a row and hang them back into the closet.

I brought home a pile of dirty dress shirts yesteday. I did pretreatment on the collars and washed in warm water with Tide and Clorox II. The shirts came out sparkling clean.

I have begged him to let me do their laundry while I'm there during the week. I'm now paranoid about them going out in public wearing dirty stinking clothes.

I guess I will continue to hammer into his head to let me do his laundry and hope he will come around to my way of thinking. I have now made it a habit to check their closets on a regular basis.

 

[panthera]

David,

My mom's mom became too ill to cook, clean house or do the laundry in the early 1960's.
My grandfather had to take over everything - while working two jobs - immediately.
He documented his mistakes and successes.
According to his diary, it took him longer to get the laundry down then did cooking.

My suggestion, based on five years of living with a super eco-freak who only used cold water, bio-detergent (minimum), no water softener (in Munich! drop a glass of water here and the water might break before the glass) and everything together. Everything. He also never checked pockets.

I figured I could only succeed in one single change - everything else would be rejected - and it was, until he fell in love with a Southern Italian and suddenly discovered the joys of boilwashing, enyzmes, bleach and steam irons.

That one change was to put a big wastepaper basket next to the washer with a large sign that said: Check the pockets for change! Whoever washes, keeps the change.

It worked.

You have my best wishes.

 

[polkanut]

David,

If you live close by, do what I did with my paternal grandmother. Grandma was never a very fussy housekeeper, let alone a good laundress, so this is what I did. While she lived in her own home she belonged to 3 different card clubs, and 2 of them met every week. So, on the days I knew she'd be gone I would let myself in, raid her closet, and hamper, leaving enough clean clothes until I could bring the other ones back. Well needless to say she caught me one day, so I told her what I'd been doing and you know what, she was ecstatic that she no longer had to do any laundry. So maybe you could talk your dad into letting you take over their laundry, and do it at your place the way it needs to be done. If this isn't an option for you sit down with your dad and explain how his bad habits and cheapness are not getting the job done properly. Good luck, and keep us posted on your progress, if any.

 

[alr2903]

I would simply try to snag your moms good clothes and your dads best shirts, launder them at your home and leave your dad alone. He is 81 and set in his ways. Your intentions are good, but not very high on your Dad's list of priorities. I wish you the best, I know how hard it is. arthur/alr2903

 

[mixfinder]

Bone of Contention

My parents are ranchers and get covered with mud, manure and good old dirt. Mom has Alzheimer's and has been fixated on laundry for about five years. In the beginning she washed small loads and ran the washer 12 to 18 times a day. Now she hearkens back to a time when we had no running water. It's a knock down drag out altercation to get the laundry done. Mom uses paper towels as incontinence pads and they're forever getting into the laundry. Its not uncommon to find dirty clothes hanging in the closet of hidden under towels or coats to be worn again. Mom has lately taken to throwing her wet clothes into the dryer with clean clothes so everything has a stench of urine. When she does laundry its always in warm water (I don't want to burn up the water heater) which has been dumbed down so warm is truly just cool, she insists on cheap housebrand liquid like Xxtra or Sun and with her garmets that permanent press the oil based and food stains are not removed in the cool water wash. I buy Tide, hide the cheap stuff. Her leatest tack is not doing laundry when anyone is there because with extra company the drain field will back up. Until just a month ago I've always been able to talk mom into anything or get her to allow me to clean, cook and do laundry. The laundry room shares the wall with their bedroom so there's no sneaking a load at night. Trying to dry it is a bigger nightmare as she shuffles wet laundry in piles in and out of the dryer with no pattern and has piles of musty stuff on the dryer, in the dryer, hanging over doors and hangers. I perservere but she is growing more determined all the time. Dad has given up trying to get her to shower or put on clean clothes. I understand his need to pick battles but it reflects so poorly on our quality as care givers. She getting carazed about running the dishwasher and wants us to wait so she can run it later. At least I can turn it on after she goes to bed. She does the same thing of shuffling clean and dirty dishes until everything needs to be rewashed. My mother has closts full of clothes and an impressive collection of Native American and Western jewelry and always co-ordinated clothes and accessories. No matter what you try she will only wear black pants and denim blouses and the latest is no wear a baseball cap. I hope that after I have moved I can always be there in the morning to get her into the shower and clean clothes. There is no answer that works. I try validation speech where I begin by identifying with her concern and rememebr the times when we didn't have water aggreeing with her concern. Then I shift into I just to be just like you but since.. (something was repaired, I had an epiphany or like her I changed to a new method some years back) and it almost always works. I try never to say no, you're wrong, that's carazy, it never happened or you already told me that. Its too hard to see her face fall and her feelings hurt when she is ignored or talked down to. She seems to forget and rally but in a deeper level the angziety of not understanding why no one likes me or listens to me has to be doing it's damage. There is no answer, just make plenty of "runaway truck routes" so you can go around a corner or out the door and let off the steam. Self nurture and patience helps. Nothing makes peace or passes time like pulling out old albums, letter and stories of the past. It's so hard and the fear in my father's eyes and reading on his blood pressure cuff tell me he is suffering more than all of us put together. I try to keep it low kep so he's not drawn in or weary of more haranguing. No matter how crafty you get or how many times you make an end run, they'll still end up in a public venue with mismatched, dirty or worn out clothes. You just have to let it go.

 

[gowest84]

Try this approach

David:

Remember that you're not really dealing with laundry here, you're dealing with emotions and fear. Your father has been through a role-reversal and is not only dealing with his health, but now the love of his life is now moving farther and farther away from him. Cranky and cheap are defense mechanisms, even though he may have been that before. You have to deal with the depression, fear and that he's overwhelmed by all of this.

Since this is the first time in his life he's done laundry, help him get the basics down. For instance, get a 3-divider laundry sorter or several inexpensive baskets and as they change clothes, put the shirts in one basket, pants in one and the undergarnments in another.

Break down what he needs to do, even to the point of taking pictures, writing the instructions out, enclose them in plastic and put them where they need to be. We all have inexpensive camera, access to printers and software to make a simple instruction sheet. The point here is to make him feel that you're talking to him and now down to him.

Explain to him that their undergarnments, sheets and towels need to be washed in warm or hot water because of the types of germs and bacteria that can form on them. Also explain that you want to keep the clothes he and your mom wearing from possible exposure to something. While it won't change anything about having dimenensia, it could bring on a rash or something else that can already tax a sick body.

He may be thrifty, and given his age, that's understandable, but help him understand that saving money in this case, could only cost him later. I can appreciate that he's worried about how he's going to survive when your mom passes and given the state of the economy, we all wonder.

Please take these as guidelines that worked with me, in general. Just don't treat him like a helpless child, because he's not.

Make sure he buys into what you're doing and understands that your interest in clean clothes for them comes from the fact that you love them and don't want something easily preventable from taking time away. As long as you base the discussions in facts, and pull a little at the heartstrings, he'll come around.

And if he doesn't, mention it to your mom's doctor so he can be the one to say something. Sometimes, even though you've said the exact same thing, it only becomes important when someone else says it.

If this is still overwheming, there may be ways to get outside help, at little or no cost, to come in and help. Go to the AARP web site for more ideas.

Whatever happens, do your best to be patient and not resentful when he snaps at people - as difficult as that is.

I hope this gives you some ways to help deal with it.

Good luck.

 

[revvinkevin]

Phil, those are EXCELLENT guidelines! Well done!

My 83 year old father has lived with me about 4 years now. For the first couple years he did his own laundry each week, all in one load (I later discovered), usually while I was at work. A couple times I was home and discovered the washer, a front loader, was loaded quite full, more so then I would ever do. At that point I told him I would do his laundry. I of course sort his laundry usually into 2 or 3 different loads and always pre-wash some items. I’m sure the results are much better, though he probably doesn’t notice.

He’s always had someone to cook & clean for him the majority of his life, so he does a lot of these tasks out of necessity and doesn’t do them well. While I am concerned about him and his eventual demise, I am very happy he’s with me and he need not concern himself with these “mundane tasks”.

Besides, this allows me to get more (as Gordon says) “laundry therapy” each week!

;-D

 

[seeitrun2006]

My Dad,

I am not by any means being disrepectful to my Father. I'm not always on his back about the laundry. I just ask him to hold it and let me do it on Tuesday or Thursday. The only thing I call his hand on is when he yells at my Mother which is everyday. He has a real bad habit of putting down my Mom in front of people while she is standing there listening. It really hurts her when he does that. I call his hand on that too when he does it in front of me. My Dad shows my mother very little respect and affection which is sad. His Father (my grandfather) was the same way to his wfe.

I use the peaceful approach with my Mom. I joke and pick at her when I'm around her. This is the reason I can get my Mom to do just about anything while my Dad can't get her to do anything. She always goes to the grocery store with me. I see to it she goes to the hairdresser every Thursday. The hairdresser trip is her treat for the week!

I know my Dad's role has been reversed on him. We have a caregiver coming in Mon, Wed, and Fri while I come down Tues and Thurs. This gives my Dad a lot of freedom. He really has it made if he would take advantage of it. He has been this way my entire life.

I have learned over time to pick and choose my battles!

 

[mattl]

One other thought about the original issue would be to explain that it's better for the clothes to be properly washed and by doing that they will last longer. Might play into the cheap angle...

 

[toggleswitch]

I don't think older people (or younger ones, for that matter) can be "taught" how to think properly.

I think the best one can do is train each other to stay out of the way and put aside their stubborness and quirks in the spirit of being cooperative.

I'd say sneak the wash out and do it right.

Remember(not necessarily applicable to your parents)

FEAR
GREED
FEAR OF LOSS

Are HUGE human motivators.

 

[rapunzel]

Hi Kelly,

Your parents look adorable and make a beautiful couple. I can see who you got your good looks from.

You are on the right track with your approach. Looking after people suffering from dementia takes infinite patience and lots of TLC. You absolutely cannot challenge them and stern words are usually met with greater obstinacy and distress. Raising ones voice, no matter how well-intentioned, or being noisy in general is also not advisable. Soft words, kindness, respect and unwavering persistence are the only way. Combine this with cunning and creative problem solving and you will find that you can achieve positive and effective outcomes regarding your parents' quality of life.

People with early to medium stage Alzheimers are aware that something isn't right. Their challenging behaviours are an expression of their own frustrations with themselves. As long as they still have recognition everything is fine.

It is quite possible that your mom feels uncomfortable with you and your dad's prompting and offers of assistance. Personal hygiene is very personal, even when one suffers from memory loss.

A female family member or professional carer may be better suited to provide assistance with showering in your mother's case.

When you try to get your mother's cooperation in assisting her with her activities of daily living do you work in with her routines? For example, the best time to get your mother into the shower may be just after she has gotten out of bed and before she has a chance to get dressed and have breakfast.

Maybe the house is too cold when she gets up in the morning. Not having warm enough water in the shower may be another reason why she is reluctant to wash. If it is too late in the morning she might not feel like getting undressed again and, since she doesn't remember when she had her last shower, it matters naught to her anyway.

Establishing a routine helps as well. Having someone come in twice or three times a week on the same days and time could be the ticket.

Providing assistance with personal hygiene serves a number of purposes. This way an eye can be kept on skin integrity, injuries that may otherwise remain undetected and urinary tract / bladder infections.

The way your mom is currently managing her incontinence is less than ideal and you really need to keep an eye out for UTIs. With persistence and gentle persuasion, a female family member may be able to get your mom to use pads rather than tissue paper.

In order to help your parents you will have to be inventive and a little sneaky. Turn up the water heater when nobody is looking. If you can, organize for another family member to take your mother out for a few hours once or twice a week. This is the only way you will be able to attend to all the other issues that you have mentioned in your post without upsetting your mother and having her interfere. Instead of cooking for your parents in their kitchen, do it at your house and prepare food for several days that only needs to be reheated.

I am sure that you've already thought of everything that I have mentioned. Always keep in mind that your mom and dad are having an equally challenging time. If your father understands you mother's condition he is probably already grieving, even if he doesn't let on about it.

Now you and the rest of your family have the opportunity to support them when they need you the most. It will get much harder, but with love and understanding there can still be happiness, satisfaction and meaning.

 

[mixfinder]

Loving Validation

Thank you for your tender words and oh so correct insights. Mom has never been much on showers or using extra water. For years we had to indoor plumbing and when we got it we were all put on a once a week bath schedule with all 5 of us kids using the same water. The best process is to ease her into the shower first thing in the morning. I have only assisted when she is in the hospital. Mom's trick is to go in the bathroom and pour water on her hair with a cup and then come out later in her robe with a towel. The shower will be dry as a bone. Using pads and even pull ups works if I'm there. Dad absolutely will check or correct anything she does. She has had one UTI so far and we manage her fluids to have a better handle on where she's at. My grandmother used to get up in the morning and put on her undergarmets, corset and girdle with hose and garters, then put on a house coat. If she went to town she'd put on a dress and otherwise stayed in her robe all day. My dad made fun of my grandma and has never allowed my mother to wear a robe so she hits the floor fully dressed. It is impossible to ever get her to change for a shower. I always include mom and lay out the peeler, dishcloth or ironing board and she has great intentions and always wonders off before any task is complete. As long as I can keep her doing anything, at any level, I never step in. It works well to begin making something and then telling her mine is never as good. She'll begin to tell me how or why she made something a particular way and soon she's happily cooking. I have learned never to ask a question because it puts her on the defensive and confuses her. If I need an answer I begin by telling what a mess I'm in because I've lost her birth certificate, dad's wallet, etc and almost always in the course of helping me she "finds" the missing item.

 

[retro-man]

When I was caring for elderly relatives with memory issues, showering was done 1st thing in the morning. When some days were worse than others I found that if I put on a station on the radio or a stack of old albums on the stereo music that they remember and grew up with, their whole attitude changed. Being mean and crabby one moment to singing and happiness the next. They all loved the music and could remember the words to every song. This made them not feel as bad because their memory was working. Then we would talk about what it was like back then when those songs came out. Actually I learned a lot of history of events and family from those times. It made bad days good. Hey you all might want to give it a shot and see how they respond, most likely it will be a pleasant experience for them and you.
Jon

 

[mattl]

You know, showering is a generational thing I've found. I enjoy my shower and will not go out of the house with out a shower, and occasionally I like a shower in the evening to relax. To that end when I redid the master bath last fall I put in two shower-heads and a couple of body sprays. If I'm stiff or tense it's relaxing with the body sprays. I popped a couple of recessed light in so it has my two favorite things, water and light...

Anyway I'm hard pressed to get my 95 y/o father into the shower once a week, and sometimes he goes longer - it's just not worth the fight. And when I do it's using the smallest amount of water he can. I thought he might enjoy the body sprays since they do work on tight muscles, but no go. My attitude is as long as he does not smell bad he's OK. He never exerts himself, so he's not sweating, and I make him scrub up now and then when he changes underwear.

 

[spiceman1957]

The only thing I can add

here is that being a nurse and have worked with the elderly is that lots of elderly folks just don't like showers as they are actually afraid of having water sprayed on them. It was if they were afraid of being drowned. When I worked in a nursing home, we had a central bathing area where every resident would get a tub bath twice a week, bird baths in between. These tubs were unique in that they could be lifted up and down while the resident sat on a special lift. Of course, this is not practical in a residential home. If you can have them to sit in a chair and just sponge them off. There are also companies that make special disposable wash cloths that you microwave until warm, bathe the skin and then dry off. There is no rinsing needed. I can tell you some real good stories/tricks on how we got residents bathed and get dirty clothes out of their rooms. Mixfinder, if I may add, anytime we had a female resident who becomes incontinent of urine or a change in mental status, we also did a urine culture to see if she may have a urinary track infection (UTI). This may have already been done or maybe this is not in your situation.
John

 

[passatdoc]

teaching dad to do laundry

My parents divorced, after a four year separation, as I was starting high school. Why the long separation? California did not have a "no fault" (= "irreconcilible differences") divorce law at the time. There had to alcoholism, adultery, imprisonment, or physical cruelty, etc., none of which existed in their case, they simply didn't get along. At the end of the four year separation, the new laws were in place and they could divorce.

Dad remarried several years later to a woman twenty years younger. They seemed to have a good relationship for twenty years, but then began living separate lives (but no affairs, just separate lives). Some of this I know was that an age gap becomes a bigger issue when the older person in the pair leaves middle age and becomes old.

After a near-death experience in the hospital, dad went routinely to see the estate attorney to be sure all ducks were in a row, and was told to his surprise that his estate and trust arrangements (i.e. community stuff they acquired together would be split 50-50; stuff he owned prior to the marriage would go directly to children) would not be valid in a situation where the couple had been living apart for 15 years (they had a weekend home and she began living there about 12 years ago). The attorneys said, "you HAVE to get a divorce and divide your estate now with your wife, the trust you had set up would not be accepted by the courts because you are married only in name and have not been living together for 15 years". This took all of us by surprise, but half a dozen other attorneys said the same thing, so it became final last fall.

Dad is not at the dementia stage, but is no longer a quick learner. And worst of all, at age 81 he had never done laundry in his life. First his mom did it, then their housekeeper, then the laundry service in college and grad school, then my mom, then the housekeeper, and then my step-mother (who--even while living apart--was coming in once a week to do his laundry).

I've successfully taught him how to do laundry, and he tends to separate towels from less sturdy cottons. He likes his dress shirts to have razor creases and takes them to a dry cleaner (as he has done for years). At least the bedding, jeans, casual shirts, socks, underwear, linens, and towels are washed and dried properly in his Maytag dependable care set with Tide. He is willing to use hot or warm water and won't cheap out on detergents.

Where I am still working on him is the dishwasher, KA and five years old. Now and then I take all the dishes and glasses and wash them in the KA, but he does everything by hand, despite the fact that this uses MORE water and energy than a DW. Oh well. He was willing to use the old GE, but the new button configuration on the KA floors him. I wish he had my rather basic Bosch with the controls in the door rim. A Power button and only three button choices (Quick Wash, Normal, Power Scrub Plus). What I find works best with seniors is to minimize the button choices. Also, I made a chart for him in the laundry room which shows what temp/cycle to use to wash and dry various types of loads he has.

But washing in cold well water? No way you can get anything clean in that environment.

 

[toggleswitch]

Ok just to go off-topic just a bit.

My 70 y.o. aunt (who has been in this country for 47+ years) has decided that using hot water from the hot-water heater to hand-wash dishes (she does use the DW for all that fits) is a waste of water and heat. I did not bother to tell her that the 2 yards /meters of pipe that links the HWH directly below (in the basement) with the kithcen sink is the shortest possible distance and that running the cold water out of the pipes will not cost her but two cents per month- $0.24 +/- per year. She now heats water in a pot stove-top over a gas flame. Why do people allow themselves to develop bad (irreversible) habits that are based on fear rather than fact? (Fear of wasting and fear of consumption).

She has also recently started to do cold water clothes washes! OY VEY!

On a positive note I was there, Mr. Kelly, to learn how to fabricate a lamination of dough and make a fresh tiropita (cheese-pie) instead of the "standard" spanakopita (spinach-pie).
[this post was last edited: 5/29/2010-15:46]

 

[toggleswitch]

I must the say the yellow and blue floral apron makes the man, doesn't it? LOL

(Sorry about the quality of the cell-phone pic.)

 

[tlee618]

Steve, it's you for sure!!!