Have I gone crazy?

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jmm63

jmm63

Well-known member
Silver Member
Joined
May 26, 2003
Messages
805
Location
Denville, NJ
Not that I usually air my dirty laundry, but what better place than here if one chooses too. My partner and I of 9 years have been going through a very difficult time. After a failed "romantic" weekend away in October, he said he no longer felt "sexually attracted to me" and we needed to figure out where we are going. 2 weeks later he announces he's going off to meet a "friend" hes been chatting with on the internet and against all my protesting, he went. You can imagine what happened.
Since then, we've gone to and continue to see a therapist, he's moved out of the bedroom and into the guest room, I feel my whole world has crashed at my feet. My doc put me on anti-depressants and Xanax, something I've NEVER needed my whole life!! He continues to say that all we have is an amazing friendship. Our love life has suffered these past few years and in that time his feelings have "evolved" I fear there is no turning back for him.
I'm trying to sort through all of this while working alot (food service) , catering holiday parties in peoples homes, and trying to get through the holidays as normal as possible. Thank God for some close friends.
I'm not perfect, and I've been tempted more than once, especially when things were bad, but I never followed through. This is someplace I never dreamed I would be. Anyway, thanks for listening, I actually feel a little better just writing this down and sending it out.
 
Sorry about your woes there. If he's "moved on" then as awful as it sounds I think one or the other of you has to move out. Staying is just gonna make you worse it sounds like. Since he made the decision he should probably be the one to keep on truckin out the door permanently. Simpler said than done when it comes to joint properties etc.
 
Mine simply said "I'm not happy".

uh this was at the airport on June 26th, 2005 on my way back from Omaha convention.

The highest high, to the lowest low.
my mood, by necessity shifted on a dime.

I was willing to deal with the lack of intimacy, the mental illness, but his obsession with the internet and all things visual really killed it, IMHO.

I'll send you an e mail, and we can chat. I wish you a rapid healing and peace!
 
That bastard!!!

Sorry about the outburst. It just brings back some nasty memories from 20+ years ago. I have let the negative feelings go but this is how I handled it.

When I found out, thanks to a friend/customer of mine that is a PI, that the love of my life, The man that I put in college, bought a car for and took into my home for 5 years, was stealing from me and spending his spare time setting up a condo with a married man (straight with 2 small children) then comming home to me, I came home and got him out of our bed(he was sleeping) then proceeded to throw his sorry ass out on the street with nothing but the clothes on his back!!! I let him keep the car and let him return later to retrieve his belongings on MY time!!

I know that a few friends thought that I acted a bit to harsh BUT I have never been one to compromise my values for anyone! I know, I know. You must be thinking that it must be magic being married to me (LOL) but I try to treat others with the same respect that I expect for myself.

If you got anything out of my ramblings then let it be that you need to keep your dignity and values. Life does go on and I can assure you that there are so many wonderful moment ahead...if you are open to them! I felt like my life would never be whole again. When I least expected it, the man that I have spent the last and BEST 18 1/2 years with walked into my life! Be open to change.

BTW...I will probably see this clown(my ex) on Saturday if I can make it to a mutual friends party!! I haven't seen him in years! Should be interesting!!!

Best of luck and surround yourself with good friends and positive thoughts!!!!!

Rich
 
The toughest lesson to learn in life for me was that you can't control another person's behavior, let alone their emotions, and there is no "Why?" It just is. The lonliest part is when feelings that were once mutual become individually exclusive. If I were you I would get a puppy, or take a course you have always wanted, something to index the change and put a new grab post out to the future. That's what I did, but it took me awhile. During tough times, you learn to pull yourself together a little bit at a time, and then you get extremely good at it,like a repeating jig saw puzzle. And then you throw away the puzzle because you are too bored doing it, and you go off and climb the nearest mountain and shout at the top of your lungs. And then you're good. My story anyway.
 
Jim, I whole-heartedly agree with a support Rich's comments above, particularly don't compromise your values. Now mind you, I've not been partnered yet because I refuse to compromise the values which are important to me and there just hasn't popped up the bear that will possess those values for me. Bob
 
Throw liquid bleach all over the bastard's clothes!!

Oh, wait. I've given that advice before and it didn't help. OK, then I'd advise you to let him go and move on yourself. I've been in your position and that piece of advice was given me and although it was the most horrible outcome I could imagine at the time, it's what happened and I'm still standing. Seriously, I was so affected by my breakup I didn't think I'd ever get over it. But time does heal--almost imperceptibly--and you will be able to move on.

I feel bad you're having to deal with this; few things are as emotionally gut-wrenching as the breakup of a long-term relationship. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! I wish you strength and determination.

Remember: HE changed, not you. You can't control that. Work on healing yourself!
 
Jim,

I am very sorry to hear this. My ex- (15 years) pulled the same "I have evolved, grown, you have not" stuff on me back in 1999. I was working my ass off 60 hours a week, renovating the condo we had just bought...and he feels I am no longer "fun" 'cause I am too tired to go out and party hardy.
I said fine - it's over. To this day he maintains I left him...

If you will forgive me for putting in my own two cents here: A man who is willing to go have sex with other men while you are still "officially" together (and you two were exclusive up till then) is showing so much disrespect for you that you are better off without him. He could have said "I want out" and then gone out and had sex...but no, he is pulling the whole therapy and staying together war of attrition thing on you.

Stay in therapy by all means - but not with that therapist and not with this man. Get him out of you life - at his cost. He is the one sleeping around (and just in case it does come to make up sex, remember: Safe-Sex.)

Life is too short. I am radically opposed to giving up on a relationship in a crisis or when problems hurt - they always will. But this has gone on too long without him doing anything positive for the relationship. And yes, ending the relationship before going on to have sex with other men is positive. For you.

Be nice, be firm and the very best of luck.

Oh, I would not buy an animal at the moment, but it surely does not hurt to volunteer time at the SPCA.
 
I hear you and support you.

My twelve-year partnership is ending after the holiday, the end of this month.

Best man I've ever known or loved.

In my case, I'm the one on with bipolar disorder.

I was diagnosed ten years ago with bipolar, fourteen years ago with chronic depression. Talk therapy over and done with years ago (very helpful and worth it), but my issues are with the side effects from the medication (chiefly, I've gained over twenty pounds, I'm always drowsy, and it dampens my libido).

We're living apart, but sometimes I weaken (he slept on the easy chair by the bed last night, and something in the way the light through the blind played on his face, that familiar smell of his sweat, his oxford shirt, his leather dress shoes....well, let's just say I felt the white-hot surge of desire electrify me from head to toe, and we couldn't stop ourselves...

I know this has to end.

But I'm forty-one years old, and everytime I look at my dumbass face in the mirror, I think, "Well, that'll be the last man to darken my doorstep...."

We're going about our businesses and virtually no one else knows, and I know I've just got to sit back and trust and have faith and realize it's just going to feel bad for a while and accept it, but this feels like I'm living every bad movie I've avoided seeing, and nothing's helping...

I almost feel like this is gonna knock me down for the count.

Jmm63, I'm not sure how I can help, but shoot me an email if I can.
 
don't be afraid to take a chance

Hi
After 17 years I decided to leave my first and I do not regret it at all. I changed and began to realize that I was living with an alaholic and it almost pulled me undar with him and I realized what was happening. I too did the theropy and did the Zoloft thing and it did not help so I left and came to live with ny parents for a very short time a week to be exact.
well I had a chance to come to the desert and I took it and you know what I don't regret it. I met the best person in my life about 6 years ago and I do not regret it. to gether we have managed to make our life very good and we are on our third home.
I actually ran away from my home in PA and left everything accept my clothes and car not knowing what to expect hear but I suvived and done very very well for my self because I was willing to take a chance. I was by my self for about a year and half to just get my life together and have time for just me and I was not looking to get involved again and it just happened and I do not look back just to the future and a very good one. What I am saying is dont be afraid to take a chance on a wonderful new life and be good to your self as well as just thinking about your self for a while. when you are ready that some one special will come along.
 
Scott,

Gosh - that is tough. One of my closest friends is caught up in that disorder. He and his husband (we have marriage in Europe) have dealt with it for years.
He is persistent and keeps his doctor(s)(he tends to wear through one every 18 months or so) looking for solutions.
Don't give up on yourself and - for what it is worth - you've got a home here with us on this site.
 
Jim

Went through a similar situation just this year. September would have been 24 years. Things happen, you grow apart. Communication is the MOST important factor. It is tough, but life goes on. I am on the upswing. My life has changed and I could not be happier. Things seem to happen when you least expect it.
 
you'll be fine, and believe that

you can see youre not alone.. i too after 15 years, he decided a mid life crisis was in order.. he bailed, and wanted back. i said no way. how can u go back? he regrets it, i dont.. for i have become an even better person. you will see the same thing.. i promise.. look forward... " plant youre own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers... " you will see my friend,you will be fine.. please contact me, i know what it feels like to have someone to talk to ... seems you have many people who care, right here... youre not alone...
 
..In my case I lose a private house to go back to a rental.
I lose wonderful in-laws and extended family. I lose a gentle soul that would not hurt a fly. He still believes the grass is greener on the other side. Yes the grass is always greener over the septic tank, but you may have to deal with a lot of sh--, that quite franlly stinks.

But I have gained a wonderful, loving, caring, senusal well-adjusted ADULT who has a job, a personality, a well-fucntioning brain, a heart of gold and is everything I could possibly ask for. Even a good dancer. I feel a love now that I have never felt before.

I can be myself and truly now have a partner and a help-mate in life. The best thing is we both have excellent friendly relationships with our ex-es, who both appear to like our new partners.

Jim, I wish you all the best. All is NOT lost. But I can assure you it is not the easiest thing in the world.

IMHO, If all else fails kill them with kindness. When you love someone else enough as a person, you want them to be happy, even if that does not include you. And that is by no means meant to sound cold.
 
~Jim

Thanks for sharing your situation with us. I know during rough times its hard to keep your chin up. Just when we think we hit rock bottom, things tend to look up. Be a little selfish right now and take care of you...Nothing wrong with that.
I am sure other posters will agree, you have a home here with us at AutomaticWasher.org

best wishes..
~Shane
 
Steve,

You sure got that right. Since "I" left "him", my ex- has gone through a coupla Million (Euros, dahlinks, not dollars)(Euros are worth more in case you think the dollar is almighty).
He has been hospitalized twice, cause the non-boring boy-friend is really non-boring when drunk.
Drugs, HIV+ after a special weekend, his beauty gone...
But hey - who wants a life with a boring guy who only has good cooking and good sex to offer?
Be careful what you ask for, the gods might just be listening.
(And no, I am not being spiteful. I've done the hospital visits twice now and kept every single plant in "our" old condo alive while he was recuperating.)
 
There is hope! Thursday's Wall Street Urinal had an article titled, TARGETING DEPRESSION. Five big pharmaceutical companies are working on entirely new paths to fight depression. Some are targeting a system of brain chemicals that are involved in the body's response to stress. Also showing potential are drugs that block the brain's pain, sleep and nicotine receptors and could also influence mood.

Depression, which has both physical and mental symptoms, affects about one in ten adult Americans each year. Existing treatments work in only about half of patients & can have unpleasant side effects.

Part of the problem is that the biology of depression isn't well understood, even compared to other difficult psychiatric diseases. You can't ask a rat if it feels good, bad or sad and all of us who have any experience with this disease know that there are no blood tests that prove or show anything. Small studies and then larger investigations have given rise to new ideas about how depression works and how it might be treated.

There is a growing awareness at the molecular level that stress causes the increased production of a protein called CRF, which in turn triggers the release of hormones, including Cortisol. Researchers now believe that excess cortisol can predispose people to depression by damaging nerve-cell connections and suppressing nerve growth. Blocking the action of CRF on its target, CRF1, could help regulate that imbalance. Bristol-Myers Squibb has a so-called CRF1 antagonist in the middle stages of testing. GlaxoSmithKline PLC, Pfizer, Sanofi-Aventis and Johnson & Johnson are in the earlier stage of human testing on CRF1 drugs.

Some scientists view depression as a form of emotional pain. Sanofi is now in the final phase of human testing on an antagonist to the NK2 receptor, which researchers think can play a role in emotional behavior and the brain's ability to adjust.

I have heard, but not paid close attention to TV ads for some sort of weight loss medicine that targets Cortisol which keeps weight around the abdomen. Maybe I will hear the ad and be able to go buy some and see if it will undo the damage the antidepressants have done by making me crave sweets and, maybe, help my depression. I am not "sad" depressed, I just have no energy and do not enjoy anything anymore. I am on dosages of medicines that should have me airborne. This summer, I went to an endocrinologist, showed him all of my medications and asked him if I looked like someone taking that much and he said, "No," but his tests revealed nothing out of the normal parameters for all of the important hormones.

My sister and I know our depression is inherited, but we are both searching for any new weapon in our battle to vanquish this disease. I will do my best to relay any information I find, but keep searching the internet for announcements and articles. Maybe we can beat this.
 
I wish you the best Jim....

Everything happens for a reason, and you'll get through it. I haven't dated anyone since my relationship ended. It's been quite some time, but I'm very seldom down about it. I'd rather be happy alone than miserable with someone else.
 
It's a soft science, really.

I'll definitely post more on my sitch when it's not so crazy busy and zoo-like here, but for me, cortisol correction therapy was a failure, and like you, Tom, the endocrinological workup revealed nothing remotely remarkable....it IS an angle the pharmos generally overlook, though, along with mifestiprone (sp?) and other possibilities.

I don't do clinical trials. Too frightened. And ECT is unacceptable to me from a personal standpoint...

So I wait. I have absolutely NO doubt we'll all be delivered from this, especially with the advent of "custom" micro-med technology that will tailor precisely what we need with evolving breakthoughs in chemistry, so it's high-dose Cymbalta with a touch of lithium till then (at least it is affordable...)

My primary problem is (and I'm not alone on this) NOT impulse control or stereotypical mood swings....it's the physical loss of energy, the sleep cycles and just a general low opinion of everyday life. Nothing seems worth the bother, lol! You can retreat into yourself to a point that is just, let's face it, torture, and confusing for someone who loves us and wants to build a confident future together.

As the song goes, when you love someone, set them free....

Like I said, I'll go into this further tonight, and Tom, perhaps we can exchange notes in further detail at some point.

My whole thing is, thirty years from now, I want to be able to have a better answer when I'm asked, "Well, what was your life like BEFORE your condition was arrested? What did you DO?"

I'm pleasantly surprised at so much forthrightness here regarding this.....
 
The *joy* of adulthood is that some actions have severe, irr

my ex- has gone through a coupla Million (Euros, dahlinks, not dollars)

EGADS I hope he means Deutsche-Marks.

OMG
1 Euro = 2+/- DM. That is STILL tons of money. ICK!

I was gong to joke in another thread about double-bagging it for safety. Somehow, no longer funny. At all.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_mark
 
Panthera....what a shame.

PUH-LEASE consider: to "cut and run" isn't just a valid strategy for warfare....it's good for self-preservation, as well.

I thought being identity-frauded was bad....
 
Well, no, it isn't...

But I am a very strong opponent of the "lovers for life - until the first "better" opportunity" comes along approach which is the way so many men deal with problems.
I don't commit lightly and I fully intended to spend my life with the man. But hearing every single day that you are boring, that life with you is a waste of time, that all his friends say I am just a typical American uneducated dilettante who is too stupid to understand philosophy and literature...and then, while you are working your ass off for the partnership, to have him plan the only three free weekends in six months with his "Bagwahni" friends who can't stand me because I refused to allow him to donate half a million to their Ashram (and called their leader a showman gonif to boot, nasty illiterate me to have an opinion)...followed by the fight he got in when he got caught in the shower with the neighbor's husband...and they were not playing with the rubber ducky...just gets frustrating.
So, yeah - sometimes cutting your losses and running is the only solution. But if he had just once said: "Things aren't so good right now, let's work on it" instead of: "You are holding me back from happiness, set me free". I would have stuck it out. So I set him free, and that wasn't right, either.
Oh - I was converting to Euro's, which are 1.3+Dollars to the Euro. Yeah, I am flat broke today, but back then...
As for the HIV+, well - we had a perfectly fine non-safe sex relationship for 12 of those 15 years. Exclusive, monogamous, safe. His lawyer actually sent me a note "demanding" I prove I am negative when he came up positive.
I was not amused.
Am negative, but wrote back just exactly what lawyer and ex- could do with each other.
Got my a nasty fine, but was worth every single cent. Refused to repent in front of the court, too. Was worth the "Mißachtung des Justiz" Premium.
Sigh.
Still in all, just one word of kindness, just one "let's try..." and I was his for life.
 
Deja Vu

I was not going to post this to the site, but since we're all swapping stories, I guess I will. All of you were very supportive the beginning of the summer when my partner of 11 years, Eric, and I split (his choosing). We reconciled, but, alas, it was not to be.

Two days before Thanksgiving, we ended it. He met someone else, etc., etc. We maintained communication; and although most people would not agree, we are still very close, talk all the time, and wish to continue a deep friendship. We seem to talk on the phone now more than we did as partners.

In the meantime, I have begun "keeping company" with another member of this site, and we look forward to having a very enjoyable Christmas together -- a holiday that I was dreding.

My point being, one never knows what the future holds. I thought my life was pretty well planned. In an instant, it changed. Go with it. Deal with it. Turn the corner and see what's waiting for you. Life is too short.

Jim, all I can say is right now things look horrible. Three or four weeks ago, I felt the same way. Yes, I have my days; but my former partner and I are maintaining a healthy, loving friendship. I'm enjoying the newness of a possible blossoming relationship and looking to the future.

A good friend and fellow court reporter with whom I've worked with for the last 16 years told me, "Leave your behind in your pants." This is words of wisdom from someone who battled cancer twice. She really saw her entire world crumbling. However, you have to look forward!

On the humorous side, if all else fails, listen to Frigilux's words of advice, "Thrown bleach on his clothes."

Email me if you'd like. We'll chat.

Ron
 
Lefties tend to have a knack for language.

I guess it can be said that I am a cunning linguist.

After hearing of what you boys have gone through, I am going to stop pissing and moaning.

Another AW romance! Mazel Tov. Proving once again the joy of appreciating and sharing agitators CAN be shared, and it never dies!
 
"Do you believe in life after love?"

Panthera....the ashram? Oh, dear...

When you start having to deal with the "Beamte", well, that can ruin anyone's day!

I think I may be an atypical American uneducated dilettante...

Ron...congrats.

Maybe I'll open up a bed and breakfast or something....
 

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