Have I gone crazy?

[jmm63]

Not that I usually air my dirty laundry, but what better place than here if one chooses too. My partner and I of 9 years have been going through a very difficult time. After a failed "romantic" weekend away in October, he said he no longer felt "sexually attracted to me" and we needed to figure out where we are going. 2 weeks later he announces he's going off to meet a "friend" hes been chatting with on the internet and against all my protesting, he went. You can imagine what happened.
Since then, we've gone to and continue to see a therapist, he's moved out of the bedroom and into the guest room, I feel my whole world has crashed at my feet. My doc put me on anti-depressants and Xanax, something I've NEVER needed my whole life!! He continues to say that all we have is an amazing friendship. Our love life has suffered these past few years and in that time his feelings have "evolved" I fear there is no turning back for him.
I'm trying to sort through all of this while working alot (food service) , catering holiday parties in peoples homes, and trying to get through the holidays as normal as possible. Thank God for some close friends.
I'm not perfect, and I've been tempted more than once, especially when things were bad, but I never followed through. This is someplace I never dreamed I would be. Anyway, thanks for listening, I actually feel a little better just writing this down and sending it out.

 

[petek]

Sorry about your woes there. If he's "moved on" then as awful as it sounds I think one or the other of you has to move out. Staying is just gonna make you worse it sounds like. Since he made the decision he should probably be the one to keep on truckin out the door permanently. Simpler said than done when it comes to joint properties etc.

 

[toggleswitch]

Mine simply said "I'm not happy".

uh this was at the airport on June 26th, 2005 on my way back from Omaha convention.

The highest high, to the lowest low.
my mood, by necessity shifted on a dime.

I was willing to deal with the lack of intimacy, the mental illness, but his obsession with the internet and all things visual really killed it, IMHO.

I'll send you an e mail, and we can chat. I wish you a rapid healing and peace!

 

[exploder321]

My best of wishes to you...

I too will send ya an email.. Chad

 

[perc-o-prince]

That bastard!!!

Sorry about the outburst. It just brings back some nasty memories from 20+ years ago. I have let the negative feelings go but this is how I handled it.

When I found out, thanks to a friend/customer of mine that is a PI, that the love of my life, The man that I put in college, bought a car for and took into my home for 5 years, was stealing from me and spending his spare time setting up a condo with a married man (straight with 2 small children) then comming home to me, I came home and got him out of our bed(he was sleeping) then proceeded to throw his sorry ass out on the street with nothing but the clothes on his back!!! I let him keep the car and let him return later to retrieve his belongings on MY time!!

I know that a few friends thought that I acted a bit to harsh BUT I have never been one to compromise my values for anyone! I know, I know. You must be thinking that it must be magic being married to me (LOL) but I try to treat others with the same respect that I expect for myself.

If you got anything out of my ramblings then let it be that you need to keep your dignity and values. Life does go on and I can assure you that there are so many wonderful moment ahead...if you are open to them! I felt like my life would never be whole again. When I least expected it, the man that I have spent the last and BEST 18 1/2 years with walked into my life! Be open to change.

BTW...I will probably see this clown(my ex) on Saturday if I can make it to a mutual friends party!! I haven't seen him in years! Should be interesting!!!

Best of luck and surround yourself with good friends and positive thoughts!!!!!

Rich

 

[pturo]

The toughest lesson to learn in life for me was that you can't control another person's behavior, let alone their emotions, and there is no "Why?" It just is. The lonliest part is when feelings that were once mutual become individually exclusive. If I were you I would get a puppy, or take a course you have always wanted, something to index the change and put a new grab post out to the future. That's what I did, but it took me awhile. During tough times, you learn to pull yourself together a little bit at a time, and then you get extremely good at it,like a repeating jig saw puzzle. And then you throw away the puzzle because you are too bored doing it, and you go off and climb the nearest mountain and shout at the top of your lungs. And then you're good. My story anyway.

 

[appnut]

Jim, I whole-heartedly agree with a support Rich's comments above, particularly don't compromise your values. Now mind you, I've not been partnered yet because I refuse to compromise the values which are important to me and there just hasn't popped up the bear that will possess those values for me. Bob

 

[frigilux]

Throw liquid bleach all over the bastard's clothes!!

Oh, wait. I've given that advice before and it didn't help. OK, then I'd advise you to let him go and move on yourself. I've been in your position and that piece of advice was given me and although it was the most horrible outcome I could imagine at the time, it's what happened and I'm still standing. Seriously, I was so affected by my breakup I didn't think I'd ever get over it. But time does heal--almost imperceptibly--and you will be able to move on.

I feel bad you're having to deal with this; few things are as emotionally gut-wrenching as the breakup of a long-term relationship. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! I wish you strength and determination.

Remember: HE changed, not you. You can't control that. Work on healing yourself!

 

[panthera]

Jim,

I am very sorry to hear this. My ex- (15 years) pulled the same "I have evolved, grown, you have not" stuff on me back in 1999. I was working my ass off 60 hours a week, renovating the condo we had just bought...and he feels I am no longer "fun" 'cause I am too tired to go out and party hardy.
I said fine - it's over. To this day he maintains I left him...

If you will forgive me for putting in my own two cents here: A man who is willing to go have sex with other men while you are still "officially" together (and you two were exclusive up till then) is showing so much disrespect for you that you are better off without him. He could have said "I want out" and then gone out and had sex...but no, he is pulling the whole therapy and staying together war of attrition thing on you.

Stay in therapy by all means - but not with that therapist and not with this man. Get him out of you life - at his cost. He is the one sleeping around (and just in case it does come to make up sex, remember: Safe-Sex.)

Life is too short. I am radically opposed to giving up on a relationship in a crisis or when problems hurt - they always will. But this has gone on too long without him doing anything positive for the relationship. And yes, ending the relationship before going on to have sex with other men is positive. For you.

Be nice, be firm and the very best of luck.

Oh, I would not buy an animal at the moment, but it surely does not hurt to volunteer time at the SPCA.

 

[oxydolfan1]

I hear you and support you.

My twelve-year partnership is ending after the holiday, the end of this month.

Best man I've ever known or loved.

In my case, I'm the one on with bipolar disorder.

I was diagnosed ten years ago with bipolar, fourteen years ago with chronic depression. Talk therapy over and done with years ago (very helpful and worth it), but my issues are with the side effects from the medication (chiefly, I've gained over twenty pounds, I'm always drowsy, and it dampens my libido).

We're living apart, but sometimes I weaken (he slept on the easy chair by the bed last night, and something in the way the light through the blind played on his face, that familiar smell of his sweat, his oxford shirt, his leather dress shoes....well, let's just say I felt the white-hot surge of desire electrify me from head to toe, and we couldn't stop ourselves...

I know this has to end.

But I'm forty-one years old, and everytime I look at my dumbass face in the mirror, I think, "Well, that'll be the last man to darken my doorstep...."

We're going about our businesses and virtually no one else knows, and I know I've just got to sit back and trust and have faith and realize it's just going to feel bad for a while and accept it, but this feels like I'm living every bad movie I've avoided seeing, and nothing's helping...

I almost feel like this is gonna knock me down for the count.

Jmm63, I'm not sure how I can help, but shoot me an email if I can.

 

[wcd63]

don't be afraid to take a chance

Hi
After 17 years I decided to leave my first and I do not regret it at all. I changed and began to realize that I was living with an alaholic and it almost pulled me undar with him and I realized what was happening. I too did the theropy and did the Zoloft thing and it did not help so I left and came to live with ny parents for a very short time a week to be exact.
well I had a chance to come to the desert and I took it and you know what I don't regret it. I met the best person in my life about 6 years ago and I do not regret it. to gether we have managed to make our life very good and we are on our third home.
I actually ran away from my home in PA and left everything accept my clothes and car not knowing what to expect hear but I suvived and done very very well for my self because I was willing to take a chance. I was by my self for about a year and half to just get my life together and have time for just me and I was not looking to get involved again and it just happened and I do not look back just to the future and a very good one. What I am saying is dont be afraid to take a chance on a wonderful new life and be good to your self as well as just thinking about your self for a while. when you are ready that some one special will come along.

 

[panthera]

Scott,

Gosh - that is tough. One of my closest friends is caught up in that disorder. He and his husband (we have marriage in Europe) have dealt with it for years.
He is persistent and keeps his doctor(s)(he tends to wear through one every 18 months or so) looking for solutions.
Don't give up on yourself and - for what it is worth - you've got a home here with us on this site.

 

[gadgetgary]

Jim

Went through a similar situation just this year. September would have been 24 years. Things happen, you grow apart. Communication is the MOST important factor. It is tough, but life goes on. I am on the upswing. My life has changed and I could not be happier. Things seem to happen when you least expect it.

 

[bleacho]

you'll be fine, and believe that

you can see youre not alone.. i too after 15 years, he decided a mid life crisis was in order.. he bailed, and wanted back. i said no way. how can u go back? he regrets it, i dont.. for i have become an even better person. you will see the same thing.. i promise.. look forward... " plant youre own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers... " you will see my friend,you will be fine.. please contact me, i know what it feels like to have someone to talk to ... seems you have many people who care, right here... youre not alone...

 

[toggleswitch]

..In my case I lose a private house to go back to a rental.
I lose wonderful in-laws and extended family. I lose a gentle soul that would not hurt a fly. He still believes the grass is greener on the other side. Yes the grass is always greener over the septic tank, but you may have to deal with a lot of sh--, that quite franlly stinks.

But I have gained a wonderful, loving, caring, senusal well-adjusted ADULT who has a job, a personality, a well-fucntioning brain, a heart of gold and is everything I could possibly ask for. Even a good dancer. I feel a love now that I have never felt before.

I can be myself and truly now have a partner and a help-mate in life. The best thing is we both have excellent friendly relationships with our ex-es, who both appear to like our new partners.

Jim, I wish you all the best. All is NOT lost. But I can assure you it is not the easiest thing in the world.

IMHO, If all else fails kill them with kindness. When you love someone else enough as a person, you want them to be happy, even if that does not include you. And that is by no means meant to sound cold.

 

[sudsdudeshane]

~Jim

Thanks for sharing your situation with us. I know during rough times its hard to keep your chin up. Just when we think we hit rock bottom, things tend to look up. Be a little selfish right now and take care of you...Nothing wrong with that.
I am sure other posters will agree, you have a home here with us at AutomaticWasher.org

best wishes..
~Shane

 

[panthera]

Steve,

You sure got that right. Since "I" left "him", my ex- has gone through a coupla Million (Euros, dahlinks, not dollars)(Euros are worth more in case you think the dollar is almighty).
He has been hospitalized twice, cause the non-boring boy-friend is really non-boring when drunk.
Drugs, HIV+ after a special weekend, his beauty gone...
But hey - who wants a life with a boring guy who only has good cooking and good sex to offer?
Be careful what you ask for, the gods might just be listening.
(And no, I am not being spiteful. I've done the hospital visits twice now and kept every single plant in "our" old condo alive while he was recuperating.)

 

[tomturbomatic]

There is hope! Thursday's Wall Street Urinal had an article titled, TARGETING DEPRESSION. Five big pharmaceutical companies are working on entirely new paths to fight depression. Some are targeting a system of brain chemicals that are involved in the body's response to stress. Also showing potential are drugs that block the brain's pain, sleep and nicotine receptors and could also influence mood.

Depression, which has both physical and mental symptoms, affects about one in ten adult Americans each year. Existing treatments work in only about half of patients & can have unpleasant side effects.

Part of the problem is that the biology of depression isn't well understood, even compared to other difficult psychiatric diseases. You can't ask a rat if it feels good, bad or sad and all of us who have any experience with this disease know that there are no blood tests that prove or show anything. Small studies and then larger investigations have given rise to new ideas about how depression works and how it might be treated.

There is a growing awareness at the molecular level that stress causes the increased production of a protein called CRF, which in turn triggers the release of hormones, including Cortisol. Researchers now believe that excess cortisol can predispose people to depression by damaging nerve-cell connections and suppressing nerve growth. Blocking the action of CRF on its target, CRF1, could help regulate that imbalance. Bristol-Myers Squibb has a so-called CRF1 antagonist in the middle stages of testing. GlaxoSmithKline PLC, Pfizer, Sanofi-Aventis and Johnson & Johnson are in the earlier stage of human testing on CRF1 drugs.

Some scientists view depression as a form of emotional pain. Sanofi is now in the final phase of human testing on an antagonist to the NK2 receptor, which researchers think can play a role in emotional behavior and the brain's ability to adjust.

I have heard, but not paid close attention to TV ads for some sort of weight loss medicine that targets Cortisol which keeps weight around the abdomen. Maybe I will hear the ad and be able to go buy some and see if it will undo the damage the antidepressants have done by making me crave sweets and, maybe, help my depression. I am not "sad" depressed, I just have no energy and do not enjoy anything anymore. I am on dosages of medicines that should have me airborne. This summer, I went to an endocrinologist, showed him all of my medications and asked him if I looked like someone taking that much and he said, "No," but his tests revealed nothing out of the normal parameters for all of the important hormones.

My sister and I know our depression is inherited, but we are both searching for any new weapon in our battle to vanquish this disease. I will do my best to relay any information I find, but keep searching the internet for announcements and articles. Maybe we can beat this.

 

[appnut]

Tom thanks for the info. Mine too is contributed by genetics.