Have I gone crazy?

[oxydolfan1]

It's a soft science, really.

I'll definitely post more on my sitch when it's not so crazy busy and zoo-like here, but for me, cortisol correction therapy was a failure, and like you, Tom, the endocrinological workup revealed nothing remotely remarkable....it IS an angle the pharmos generally overlook, though, along with mifestiprone (sp?) and other possibilities.

I don't do clinical trials. Too frightened. And ECT is unacceptable to me from a personal standpoint...

So I wait. I have absolutely NO doubt we'll all be delivered from this, especially with the advent of "custom" micro-med technology that will tailor precisely what we need with evolving breakthoughs in chemistry, so it's high-dose Cymbalta with a touch of lithium till then (at least it is affordable...)

My primary problem is (and I'm not alone on this) NOT impulse control or stereotypical mood swings....it's the physical loss of energy, the sleep cycles and just a general low opinion of everyday life. Nothing seems worth the bother, lol! You can retreat into yourself to a point that is just, let's face it, torture, and confusing for someone who loves us and wants to build a confident future together.

As the song goes, when you love someone, set them free....

Like I said, I'll go into this further tonight, and Tom, perhaps we can exchange notes in further detail at some point.

My whole thing is, thirty years from now, I want to be able to have a better answer when I'm asked, "Well, what was your life like BEFORE your condition was arrested? What did you DO?"

I'm pleasantly surprised at so much forthrightness here regarding this.....

 

[toggleswitch]

The *joy* of adulthood is that some actions have severe, irr

my ex- has gone through a coupla Million (Euros, dahlinks, not dollars)

EGADS I hope he means Deutsche-Marks.

OMG
1 Euro = 2+/- DM. That is STILL tons of money. ICK!

I was gong to joke in another thread about double-bagging it for safety. Somehow, no longer funny. At all.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_mark

 

[oxydolfan1]

Panthera....what a shame.

PUH-LEASE consider: to "cut and run" isn't just a valid strategy for warfare....it's good for self-preservation, as well.

I thought being identity-frauded was bad....

 

[panthera]

Well, no, it isn't...

But I am a very strong opponent of the "lovers for life - until the first "better" opportunity" comes along approach which is the way so many men deal with problems.
I don't commit lightly and I fully intended to spend my life with the man. But hearing every single day that you are boring, that life with you is a waste of time, that all his friends say I am just a typical American uneducated dilettante who is too stupid to understand philosophy and literature...and then, while you are working your ass off for the partnership, to have him plan the only three free weekends in six months with his "Bagwahni" friends who can't stand me because I refused to allow him to donate half a million to their Ashram (and called their leader a showman gonif to boot, nasty illiterate me to have an opinion)...followed by the fight he got in when he got caught in the shower with the neighbor's husband...and they were not playing with the rubber ducky...just gets frustrating.
So, yeah - sometimes cutting your losses and running is the only solution. But if he had just once said: "Things aren't so good right now, let's work on it" instead of: "You are holding me back from happiness, set me free". I would have stuck it out. So I set him free, and that wasn't right, either.
Oh - I was converting to Euro's, which are 1.3+Dollars to the Euro. Yeah, I am flat broke today, but back then...
As for the HIV+, well - we had a perfectly fine non-safe sex relationship for 12 of those 15 years. Exclusive, monogamous, safe. His lawyer actually sent me a note "demanding" I prove I am negative when he came up positive.
I was not amused.
Am negative, but wrote back just exactly what lawyer and ex- could do with each other.
Got my a nasty fine, but was worth every single cent. Refused to repent in front of the court, too. Was worth the "Mißachtung des Justiz" Premium.
Sigh.
Still in all, just one word of kindness, just one "let's try..." and I was his for life.

 

[toggleswitch]

Mißachtung des Justiz

Contempt of court?
Civil penalty?

 

[panthera]

Contempt of Court

Dahling Steve! You are sooo good at the nasty words in foreign languages.
Wonder why...

 

[panthera]

Contempt of Court

Dahling Steve! You are sooo good at the nasty words in foreign languages.
Wonder why...

 

[kenmore58]

Deja Vu

I was not going to post this to the site, but since we're all swapping stories, I guess I will. All of you were very supportive the beginning of the summer when my partner of 11 years, Eric, and I split (his choosing). We reconciled, but, alas, it was not to be.

Two days before Thanksgiving, we ended it. He met someone else, etc., etc. We maintained communication; and although most people would not agree, we are still very close, talk all the time, and wish to continue a deep friendship. We seem to talk on the phone now more than we did as partners.

In the meantime, I have begun "keeping company" with another member of this site, and we look forward to having a very enjoyable Christmas together -- a holiday that I was dreding.

My point being, one never knows what the future holds. I thought my life was pretty well planned. In an instant, it changed. Go with it. Deal with it. Turn the corner and see what's waiting for you. Life is too short.

Jim, all I can say is right now things look horrible. Three or four weeks ago, I felt the same way. Yes, I have my days; but my former partner and I are maintaining a healthy, loving friendship. I'm enjoying the newness of a possible blossoming relationship and looking to the future.

A good friend and fellow court reporter with whom I've worked with for the last 16 years told me, "Leave your behind in your pants." This is words of wisdom from someone who battled cancer twice. She really saw her entire world crumbling. However, you have to look forward!

On the humorous side, if all else fails, listen to Frigilux's words of advice, "Thrown bleach on his clothes."

Email me if you'd like. We'll chat.

Ron

 

[toggleswitch]

Lefties tend to have a knack for language.

I guess it can be said that I am a cunning linguist.

After hearing of what you boys have gone through, I am going to stop pissing and moaning.

Another AW romance! Mazel Tov. Proving once again the joy of appreciating and sharing agitators CAN be shared, and it never dies!

 

[oxydolfan1]

"Do you believe in life after love?"

Panthera....the ashram? Oh, dear...

When you start having to deal with the "Beamte", well, that can ruin anyone's day!

I think I may be an atypical American uneducated dilettante...

Ron...congrats.

Maybe I'll open up a bed and breakfast or something....

 

[panthera]

oh dear, yes

He was really ok when we met. It just seems like there was a need in him which I could never fill. The whole Bagwahni thing over here in Germany was really big in the Seventies and Eighties. Since I can't even get my head around the Christian religion, I was in no mood to shovel my hard earned money into this jerk's overstuffed bank accounts.
Sort of like fundamentalist Christians - our way or the highway.
I don't understand this whole personality cult thing.

I think it is good when someone finds peace in themselves after a relationship dies. But I still firmly believe in commitment and building a life together. Too many gay men are stuck in the eternal now mentality. That is great - when you are 22, hung like a horse, beautiful, have money and all the world's your oyster.
When you get past that stage, you begin to value other things.
When you are lucky enough to find them - and he is cute and hung it don't hurt, neither. And smells good.
Er, nearly said something nice for a change.
Schreck las' nach...

 

[jmm63]

I can't begin to tell you all how touched I am by your outpouring of support and caring for someone you've never even met. Your kind words and thoughts mean alot to me, and I promise to respond to email as soon as I have a free second.

Our story is complicated by the fact that we really do love each other. Our friends that do know are completly shocked. We have a beautiful home together, a large circle of really good friends, and we have so many things and interests in common. This is part of the reason this is so painful.

Thanks again for all your thoughts and I wll keep you posted on how things develop.
With much love,
Jim

 

[panthera]

Jim,

I am going to be really nasty and say: My cat loves me more than this guy loves you.
Love is what you do, not the warm cuddly feeling. Love is the honesty of ending a relationship before starting a new one.
Love is sticking with your partner through the not so terribly interesting times.
Love is not when it is easy to love. Love is when it is hard and challenging and tough to stick together.
Sorry to be so nasty here - but I truly think you deserve better.
Maybe he has it in him...but right now, you're the only one doing the loving.
Oh, as long as I am in High-Bitch mode: Dump the therapist. He or she ain't got clue one.
This all said, I am glad you are part of Automatic Washer. You have a place here.

 

[mrsalvo]

Jim,
Stay the course, you will make it. This is what separates the men from the boys. Think of yourself and WHO YOU really are, your values.
Count yourself fortunate that he was upfront. He could have cheated on you behind your back, then one day you get sick...and I mean in bad way. He was honest, I hope that you will give him some credit for that...even though you feel like neuturing him.

I left my ex many years ago, he was an alcoholic and I just couldn't take it anymore....out of the 7 years we were together only 4 were good. We were either fighting or in bed and there was no inbetween. During the last fight we had he threatened to kill me. I walked out and never looked back....only to be thankful that I'm still standing.
To be honest, I still have a hard time trusting anyone that I meet, anyone that I would meet in a romatic way. I've guarded my heart eversince. It's just something you learn.
My best to you.
Barry

 

[exploder321]

So many diffrent stories... The diffrent strokes in life we all take

 

[angus]

Jim- you have my sympathy and empathy. It is so hard when you are on the receiving end of the "I don't love you anymore discussion". It has been almost 7 years since that happened to me after 14 years and you know I still can't figure out what happened. Oh, yes, now I recall. He was 19 years older than I and came from a very different background. So to him I was always this blue collar working class stiff that had the audacity to have a demanding job and could not devote 7 nights a week to partying until the wee hours etc... I was boring, sometimes stressed and when I didn't want to go out drinking with his "buddies" on a Sunday night, I was a "drag". And of course, at the end I got - " well I never really loved you anyway" and "truthfully, none of my friends like you that much" - of course that "friend" was his new lover he had been seeing for almost a year.....

Well, I don't much care what a bunch of rest stop queens think, but I will never forget that lesson. I would like to say that in the end we parted civilly, but we never spoke again. And that included his now adult children that I helped him raise. That hurt more than anything. Strangely, mutual friends have commented how odd that he never even acknowledges that I existed. If my name is mentioned, he shrugs and mumbles something about how we never had a relationship - we were just friends who had occasional sex and I imagined a relationship.

It took a few years of therapy to really feel human again. During the first few months the rest of my world crashed in on me - my mother became desparately ill and died and the day I went back to work, my boss informed me that my job was eliminated and I had the rest of the day to clear out after 15 years. A few months later, my best friend and neighbor was diagnosed with cancer and died within two months.

It was a long climb back through heartbreak, unemployment and financial disaster and I am probably not 100% back yet (financially I am not sure I will ever be). But when I look back, I am amazed at how resilient we are. I made it through things I thought I never could.

Jim, you will make it through. The only thing I can tell you is to be kind to yourself and make sure you don't compromise yourself. I agree that perhaps you need a different therapist and probably need to go alone. It is probably better to heal yourself first before you face anything further with him.....

 

[perc-o-prince]

Oh Angus!!

What a journey you have been on!!! You are living proof that the old addage is true "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Keep on keeping on!!!!

Rich

 

[sudsdudeshane]

I'd rather be happy alone than miserable with someone e

Well said Douglas..I totally agree!

~Shane

 

[exploder321]

Why be unhappy??? It just makes ya feel worse..Besides is something like sex or? worth it... Not really

I try to live each day to the fullest i can...

 

[sudsdudeshane]

~Jim

I am a true believer in Karma. You get back what you give.
7 years ago my so called straight,divorced friend told me he was in love with me. he pursued me relentlessly until he got me in bed. He was the most passionate,intense love I had ever felt and we had alot in common as far as interests go.
The problem?..he was from a wealthy family who controlled his life financially and being lebanese, he was expected to produce a 100% lebanese heir. We secretly carried on our romance even though his family, whom i knew, suspected we were involved. To make a long story short, he dumped me for a woman he met at a lebanese convention in Canada. he went back in the closet. When he broke up with me, he told me I was everything he was looking for in a partner, I just couldn't bear children for him. How could i compete with that? he then actually had the gall to expect me to continue seeing him, Sorry, I wont play second fiddle to anyone. He married her and 3 kids later, he is miserable,overweight and and does nothing but work.
My life?..I met the love of my life on Match.Com in early 2004, he treats me with the love,kindness and respect I have never known. My soulmate! We have a home together and a great circle of friends. His only issue with me is he cannot relate to my love for washers and automaticwasher.org! LOL..
My point is, life can throw curve balls at a moments notice. Sometimes they are good, other times not so good.. Its all in how you react to those situations.
Merry Christmas and peace to all on the boards.
This site beats the bar any old time!
~Shane