There are three culinary phrases I hope I never hear again as long as I live: sous vide, farm to table, and Meyer lemon. In reverse order, allow me to gripe and moan. Spoiler alert: I’m a bitter, middle-aged man teetering on the edge of a mid-life crisis, so feel free to skip this post.
1. Who wants a lemon that doesn’t actually taste like a lemon? I want to meet that person, and have them tell me to my face that they want to buy a lemon but never actually taste one. What exactly is the purpose of that nonsense? If Meyer lemons were sweet enough to eat raw, then I might understand. But they are not that sweet. All they are is somewhat less sour—and of course, incredibly less flavorful. So basically, they are a not-very-good lemon that costs a lot of money. Save me, hosts of heaven.
2. “Farm to table” is an explanation of food distribution, not a culinary technique. After all, is there any other way to handle food? Drainage ditch to table? Nuclear waste facility to table? But here’s why I despise this term. It is an excuse, pure and simple, for not actually cooking, and for not actually running a restaurant. What the purveyors of this BS are trying to emphasize is freshness; but what they’re really doing is running a glorified roadside produce stand where the owners boil the food for you, instead of selling it raw for you to cook at home. There’s no creativity, nothing interesting, just boiled vegetables. SO FRESH, they scream. SO DELICIOUS, they scream louder. GREAT, I scream back. You’ve reminded me why I’m cooking more meals at home.
3. And then we have sous vide. It’s trendy, it’s fabulous, it’s fun. And it’s easy. Never mind that it simply isn’t as good as properly sautéed, or pan-fried, or grilled, or broiled, or roasted meat and vegetables. It isn’t even as good as plain boiled vegetables. But the great virtue of the technique is that it is consistent in the hands of restaurant staff who aren’t really up to handling the more difficult techniques. Closely allied to this technique is the recent trend of roasting joints at insanely low temperatures. But the simple reality is that no blow torch on earth can make up for the missing Maillard reaction that is so obviously lost in these techniques. I’ve tried sous vide over and over, I’ve roasted at low temperatures, and when it was all done, I have been furious with myself for giving up so much of my life (because these are long, long, long processes) for such a profound sense of disappointment. I’ve had enough of that for one lifetime.