Newly Out

[washertalk]

OK, This may not be the best forum to bring this up and if so let me know.
As of Monday 11/27, roughly around noon eastern time, I realized that I am truly Gay.
Yes as gay and sassy as I talk in my postings here.

It is strange, to me, how it all came about. I mean I have always been very Progressive Politically, I never had a problem with "the Gays" or minorities in general. But I conflicted the issue on my own Personal desires.

It can be a difficult issue for some people, probably most people, in some circumstances to be honest about this. I'm 39 yet I feel like I am like 17 and coming to terms with this. Am I unusual? Does it matter?

And Wouldn't you know I was dating dating a 30 y.o. woman from my church. We had been going out for 2 weeks and she is GREAT! she was my first female date and she contacted me via email after meeting me in church and asked me out. I am grateful to her. I was honest with her from the beginning that I made no promises and I didn't want anyone to be hurt regardless of what happened. Everything has gone great with her. She is of like mind but of the heterosexual variety, which I thought or maybe hoped I was.

I told her Yesterday, Wednesday, at 4 p.m. in very sensitive terms what was going on, and assured her that it had nothing to do with her, which it true. I told her yesterday to feel her emotions and that I would be available to her to talk further if she needed it. She, being a Cancer, wasn't without a tear to shed. I even left it up to her about what we should say at church since people know we have been dating. And if she felt better that I leave that church I would do that. I can only hope for and need to have that kind of honesty with people in the future.

She is so sweet. She sent me an email today saying that yes this has been hard for her but that she was glad we could be open and discuss this and that she actually still wants to be friends which is fine with me. She is very cool. One of her best friends from High School is a lesbian. I guess I am lovable and she was hooked on me. I even met and like here parents and family and friends during Thanksgiving.

So much activity. I have been trying to deal with sexual issues with my therapist since August and figured it would take me several more months to work this through. And it certainly did not come out the way I thought it would. I always hated the repressed gay stereotype and now I know why. It was me. ME, who professes to be sooo open and accepting of others. It was ME I had a problem accepting.

In the 80s when I was in my early 20s I had made plans of having a family and 4 kids and living the ideal life. I realized then that I was mainly doing it to impress or get the attention of Family. And that is not reason enough to have children. But I never fully let go of the 'fantasy'.

So it has been a busy 3 weeks to say the least. And I do luv the men. How could I be in such a state of denial. Me?

I'd like to think that most people just realize early on their sexual interests and only have to have the courage to pursue them. It sounds that easy even though it is no doubt difficult, especially if you are a minor.

But, we all learn things at different times, some times
different phases of our lives.

Though, I feel really freed from unhelpful thoughts, now there is the anxiety that this change of life is going to bring about. I certainly don't want to be hibernating in my distant suburban adobe as I have been like all my life.

Last night, after my chat, I attended my second Nude Yoga class for men(the first one was in May). Yes it was only YOGA and dinner afterward for those interested. And what a great group of guys. I can stop phaning disinterest and not be afraid of eye contact. It is soo different FOR ME.

I wonder if I am the only one who has had this twisted a time in coming out.

Thanks for listening.

 

[hoover1060]

now thats cool

Your post touches my heart!

You're never too old to get to know yourself better, and it sounds like you are making great strides.

My biggest struggle in my 20's was learning to like myself and be comfortable in my skin. It took a while, and I don't know if I am all the way there today, I am quite different than I was back then.
Its all a work in progress.

 

[frigilux]

Ain't life a wonderful and surreal trip? Congrats to you on your enlightenment. The confusion and newness will pass, don't worry. Welcome to your new subculture, LOL!

 

[exploder321]

When i was in my teens, my coming out of sorts was during thanks giving of 1998......
I had been struggling with my personal idenity for a while.. I had just had a very small fling if you will with a from my high school the week before and had played around with a guy i was friend with during the summer... But i too dated a girl in high school and tried to remain macho... But i was getting more and more depressed.. Finaly, right before thanksgiving dinner, my uncle was doing a little bit of gay bashing of sorts and kidding with me about not having a girl friend or "getting" any. I went into my room and balled... Mom and Auntie called me for dinner and right after grace.. I broke down.. Right there... In front of my whole family...
I blurted out " OMG, Mom, I think i am Gay"... Every one got quite. Never fear though... Auntie says very loudly " Alright, close your mouths and lets eat damnit"... My Family and i spent that entire thanksgving week end helping me "come out".. My uncle aplogized and life whent on.... My dad also bought me a Play Girl as a joke if i recall correctly (i know it was some dirty gay magaziene).... My best friend and his mom where very supportive too..

I was shocked... I expected to be thrown out on my ass in the snow.. I really was..

It's a big struggle... It really is... With todays socity one might expect it to beasier to "come" out.. But it's not... One still expects all the common things: Guy and Girls are supposed to sleep together and so forth... I know my last ex was similar to you, he was so afraid to come out because he was afraid he would loose his status in life.. Whooo-pdeee do.. Your truest freinds will stick by you... Your parents may take it a little hard at first, but who knows...,

You're therapist probably has been a help... If not, find some one who you can confide in and who may be able to help ya..

Good luck and feel free to drop me an email if needed:
[email protected]

Oh yea keep us up to date

I think the Nude Yoga sounds great.....

 

[appnut]

Erik, I as around 39 or 40 when I finally began to come to terms with myself and then another 8 years after that. Email's in my profile if you're so inclined.

 

[oxydolfan1]

I was one of those who was very "active" with both sexes very young, prior to the epidemic's onslaught, and totally identified with gay culture at the time (although I was not out with my family).....

Then I retreated to the "safe haven" of using women sexually as an alternative to celibacy when sex with men became literal suicide in the circles I moved in.

I wanted to have sex with women but I didn't really want to have relationships with them, although I tried (and failed). I really wanted them to leave five minutes after we were finished getting down, but they didn't, and I hated that.

And I hated the fact that, underneath it all, I realized but never accepted that I'd wanted the man of my dreams (or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof to spend the night, spend the weekend, call in sick, not just for the sex but because I would have enjoyed having him around.

I'd done just about every freak scene imaginable but couldn't emotionally let go with a guy enough to trust him, and I wasn't exactly a dewy-eyed romantic in those days.

I relate to the whole "natural yoga" deal you spoke of, and how you are reaching out that way....it may sound strange but that's what my whole period of interest in the S&M scene was....and I had to get accustomed to the idea that someone saw something in ME that allowed them to trust ME with them, that wasn't totally based on thrills.

Then came the long-term relationships with men, including my current, 12-year, recently-ended-but-never-really-finished ex-partner, which I would ABSOLUTELY do all over again (except maybe with a muzzle this time, lol!)

And I'm 41, and I'm still attracted to women but I don't sleep with them anymore because I realized that they were second-best for me because I wanted the "everything else" even after I found out that I could live as a man who wanted a man, and only one man, and be happy, and not inadvertantly complicate some befuddled girl's head and heart, not to mention the partner I had or would have.

I think the way the girl you were dating handled the whole issue is a testament to the fact that you have good taste in women, and that she does too, because you were mature about it, yet honest and forthright but in a sensitive way, where you were willing to put her emotions over yours, because you knew you were strong enough to rebound for yourself.

I never lied to anyone (well, almost) but I wasn't that great at expressing what it was like for me, not even as clearly as I did in this post (I hope).

As long as you have your ego in check and don't get too wrapped up in "the scene", you can definitely have something much closer to the life you REALLY want for yourself, and WHO you want for yourself...

Remember that The One Above is watching out for us, and that angels are watching. And they love you EXACTLY as the man that you are!

You have integrity, you have spirit, and you seem to have passion and strength.

I am an out and proud gay man. Even with all the trials and tribs, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I wish nothing but the best for you as well!

Blessings, Light, and Peace, Scotty

 

[helicaldrive]

You're not unusual at all

You're far from the only one. I know plenty of men who didn't recognize or come to terms with their sexuality until their 40s, 50s or 60s, after they had married and had several kids -- quite a few years later in life than you.

A close friend in that category waited until he was in his late 40s to come out. It was only natural for him to feel like he needed to make up for lost time and sow all the wild oats that the rest of us sowed when we were in our 20s. Well, he did it, and we kept warning him that he needed to slow down, but of course it didn't do any good. Now he's HIV+,and very sorry, and in constant fear of losing a top-level career.

Undoubtedly you're going to dabble, but please be careful. Hopefully I won't offend anybody or start a firestorm with this but somebody needs to tell you these things. It's a very common prelude for guys to state that they only do safe sex. But it's often a phony charade. Don't be surprised if, once the sex begins, he suddenly pressures you to do things that are not safe. You need to be prepared to resist. Sometimes finessing it doesn't work. Some people simply can't have a satisfying encounter with just safe sex. So if the encounter fizzles because you decline to do something unsafe, don't let yourself feel embarrassed about it. Or think of it this way: would you rather be a little embarrassed for a day or two, or would you rather go through the ordeal of dying of HIV? Don't think to yourself, "Well then, I'll just have sex with nice people I already know, and that'll be safe." Surprise! Most people reason that it's not necessary to disclose because you should know you're undertaking the risk, and you should protect yourself with appropriate precautions if you don't want to be undertaking the risk. This is also true of people you know, including very nice people you have known for years, or even umpteen years. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people tell stories about dating a guy and falling deeply in love, only to find out several months later that the boyfriend is positive. Once, someone I had known for 5 years stated that he didn't have any condoms and pressured and pressured me to receive, if you will. Several months later I found out he was positive and had been for years. I am alive and healthy today because I resisted and resisted and resisted, even though he whined and eventually got indignant and huffy. People often fail to disclose. And some people say they're negative because they honestly don't know they're positive. Trust nobody.

Please don't get me wrong. You might meet a wonderful guy who is positive and have a wonderful long term relationship with him. My point is that you need to be careful. I've known several couples where one partner was positive, but they were careful, and the other partner never got it. I've also known several guys who were in very long term relationships, but sadly got it from their partner, who was cheating, and who they mistakenly trusted. The bottom line is: whether you date or dabble, assume the guy is positive, and protect yourself. Don't trust anybody's representation that they are negative.

Back to something more upbeat. It's great that you finally came out. You can't be somebody you're not -- and you don't want to hurt people by attempting that exercise in futility. Undoubtedly it's easier to be a straight person in a straight relationship. Bisexual people are probably the luckiest because they have the entire population to choose from. But you will find that same-sex relationships do carry some advantages. You don't have the battle-of-the-sexes issues to contend with. You don't have to deal with the issue that men and women often misunderstand each other because they communicate differently. And frankly, whatever you do with a guy, you know first-hand what it feels like.

So congratulations and good luck to you!

Steve

 

[exploder321]

Can't agree more Steve!

 

[gansky1]

Blah, blah, blah

What are you wearing?

Just kidding - congrats on getting through one of the most difficult things you'll ever do! Steve is right, have all the fun you want, live out every daydream but be safe!

 

[panthera]

Erik,

Good for you. Forget the nonsense that you should have "come out" sooner.
Why?
A butterfly emerges from the chrysalis at the right time.
I do think Steve gave you some excellent advice.
Unfortunately, there are an awful lot of men in this world who lie through their teeth.
May I offer some advice?
(OK, I will
Take things at your own pace.
Being gay does not mean you have to have sex with every man you meet.
It is ok to fall in love and build an exclusive, monogamous, lasting, life-long marriage with another man.
It is also ok to trick out your whole life, if that is who you are. Just be safe and honest and never ever tell the other guy you love him and want him and want a relationship when all you want is to "have" him then forget him.
It is not ok to go from one "the real thing" to another, breaking up everytime things get hard. Too many men who say "you are the love of their life." do that.
If you want kids, why not? You may have to move to a state or even a country which respects human rights, but hey - it can be done. You should, in my humble opinion, find a man first. Parents come in twos so one of them can sleep occasionally.
Good luck and stay in touch - I got your e-mail and will write back soon.
Keven

 

[nmaineman36]

Great advice given here. I know for myself dealing with coming out was almost a disaster. I was in my 20's and lost my virginity at 22. I was so sex crazed before that but not getting any and finally when I did I was thinking after it was over with...is that all there is??? Time went by before I went out with a friend of mine to a bar in Portland..a gay bar at that...and it opened a whole new world. I was petrified since I wasnt ready for everything but she made it easy. I wouldnt even get on the dancefloor when guys would ask me to dance I would decline. I rejected alot of great guys because of fear of not being able to dance. She grabbed my arm and dragged me onto the dancefloor and before I knew you couldnt get me off it.
That experience opened up the shell I was in and I came out of it OK. Dealing with the fact I was gay and I knew from High School that I was but not acting on it was hard. I went to parochial school and was programmed that you got married had kids and someone would be there to carry on when your gone from this world. Have this monkey wrench thrown in and you have the makings for a nervous breakdown. Came close but I survived and I can honestly say that I wouldnt want to relive those years. My 30's were good but as they say as we get older we get better and I believe that.
The other thing is there alot of guys out there that are like you...come out later on in life and they realize that this is who they are. Your not alone.
Naked Yoga huh..I couldnt imagine.I should try that.

 

[toggleswitch]

I wonder if I am the only one who has had this twisted a tim

No it can be VERY rough. Be prepared. Many people will fall away form you.

LOVE YOURSELF, first

Most institutions and sub-groups in this coutnry are definitely not "FOR" us.

At first you may loath "it" Then, you will come to love "it".

Rejoice in the knowledge that G-od only gives people as much as they can handle. That which does not kill you strengthens you. I daresay this orientation ain't for "sissies" it can be a burden, but it can alos be a great joy. And it ain't a "choice" neitha!

Breath. Relax. Close your eyes. This won't hurt a bit.

 

[bosch2460]

Well no one ever said that you aren't too old for suprises or new things. I, myself, came out late. Well, 21......and for the area that i live, and the ages they come out, that is late. Up until that time, I was dating a girl for 6 months on and off. She was a true lady. We kinda mutally broke it off, and I never thought a thing about it. A homosexual experience had crossed my mind, but I never acted on it. Two months later while I happened to be furniture shopping, I met a man. He was obviously gay, we chatted in the store every month when I made my payments. He asked after 2 months to go to an antique store with him. I assured him I was not gay, but said yes anyway. At this point, I was feeling an attraction, but could never bring myself to admit it. As its ended up, we dated for a few months, and he was the one I lost my viginity to. Of course then he drove me nuts wanted to get married and shi*, so I pushed away and it died off. My next boyfriend was good at the beginning, but after some time, the physical & emotional abuse, lying, cheating, and stealing began. That lasted a year, and I still regret it. I still live with that regret every month when I pay that debt comsolidation loan that he was responsible for. That was the closest to love I have ever been. I stayed cause I thought it was right, and thought I was in love. After he left, I hated men for a long, long time because I thought they were all the same. You name it, and I have been thru it with men. They arent all the same. I have been single, with the excpetion of 2 months, since early 2003. I have learned a hell of a lot in my years of coming out. I am so comfortable with myself now. I am no longer so incredibly shy, and I would have to say, coming out changed my life. I am far from being embarassed of who I am, I do not hide that I am homosexual, and I am extremely open minded and outspoken. In fact, I work around a few students who are "Bible Beaters", and when they find out that I am gay and have trouble with it, they get the simple statement to either accept me for who I am or stay the hell away from me. I have had quite a few actually come around to me because they want to understand about gay life, and I am happy to discuss it. I make it clear that I do not get judged....I only answer to two people; myself and God......everyone else can kiss my ass. I hate all the typical sterotypes that follow the gay lifestyle. I dont fall into very many of those categories either. My Lord, this post got long... My point is, I wanted to share as well. Even at the age of 39, its never too late to know who you are, and be comfortable with that. Its probably one of the best things you could have ever done for yourself. Trust us all when we say to BE SAFE!! I wish you all the luck in the world, and I think that we will all be right here for any support you could ever need.

Joel

 

[hoover1060]

a very wise person once said to me:

"Be yourself, everyone else is taken"

The best is yet to come!

 

[petek]

Blah blah nothing Gansky...this IS getting boring so why don't we talk about something way more interesting, like me for instance... Wouldn't you agree?
I could start it off by listing some of my many virtues, like patience, modesty, goodwill to others, why the list is almost endless. No, it is endless come to think of it! My virtuosity knows no bounds, I have virtues that don't even have names yet.

Oh, congrats there Eric, now move aside and take a number LOL

 

[toggleswitch]

See see see...

Looks like the girls have already clipped a "V" in their fingernails and have shapened both "prongs" to a point.Oh Erik. Young, energetc handsome little spitfire you have shown youself to be, newly out and newly free. All the "girls" are jealous of the new competion, mehtinks.

(ducks and runs)

 

[panthera]

Ok,

Can anyone really question that sexuality is innate? I mean, would anyone "decide" to be gay with all the "sisters" around here if they had a choice?
Not.
Sorry, my girdle is pinching me today.
Steve, you aren't the only one who has had some bad experiences in coming out. I wish you were.
Strike that, reverse it. No, wrong again. Who wants ONLY Steve to be happy...
Seriously, I wish NO ONE ever had any problems and that the world was full of acceptance and joy for everyone.
It isn't. That is why we all need to pull together and try to work together instead of all trying to be second-rate Eartha Kitt imitations.

 

[maytagbear]

Just

be as kind as possible, and as honest as you can be, and it will be all right.

Coming out, in my experience, is more of a lifelong thing rather than a single event.

My mother was dismayed at first, but grew to more than acceptance. Had Da lived beyond 40, we might have had some problems, but I do think in time it would have been all right.

Everyone who is really important to me knows, even my church.

Here is an idea that worked for me in the early days: Don't deny, don't shout. Let them ask. Or speculate. What other people think of you is their thing.

My email is in the profile, remove the capitol letters.

Welcome, buddy. Welcome.

Lawrence/Maytagbear

 

[washertalk]

Ohh, GaWshh...

(head down, rosey cheeks?, smirking, slightly embarassed)

Where to start. We all need to stay together as a support family. I can only imagine how difficult these kinds of things would have been for others 20, 30 plus years ago. And without the internet?

I don't know I kinda thought this thread wouldn't go completely unnoticed with this bunch.

Steve-helical, Excellent advice! And I think it is very appropriate on this Dec. 1 which is AIDS day.
And STDs and deceit are not limited to gay men and gay relationships.

Gay or Hetero there is no free ride. (pardon the pun) with hetero there is the same STDs plus the possibility of pregnancy(and the possibility your girlfriend is sleeping with your best friend).

I have always been VERY concerned about my health in general, that is not going to change. I have never been into smoking, drugs, or alcohol. And certainly nothing blatantly gross (eww, a spider on my desk, I wish he would just scat)
And I have to admit that if there were not the very real issues of STDs I would do... lets just say RAW, because of have a taste for real men and the milk of human kindness. lol. So I guess it is just a matter of finding that middle ground that will work for me. That is like the most pressing for me because it creates alot of anxiety.

Greg-gansky-
Sorry to disappoint you, it sounds like your a fashion conscious person. (you certainly have a sweet appliance collection) ;o)
But, um,
nothing, I am a nudist. (I know some people think that is sexual, but it isn't. Just sitting here on my towel covered desk chair in my home office.)

Bosch guy from VA*-
you came out at 21. Your attitude is Great. That is the way it should be. Take me for who I am. When people know WHAT you are and a person is approachable, people will want to learn about you. It is human nature. If they can learn that gay people are just like everyone else, it takes the scare away. And in America where SCARE has been packaged, bar-coded, and marketed with considerable success, we need people like you.

Jeff-roselle,
I like that. I guess my days of immatating a closeted, anal retentive, white, middle class yuppy have come to an end. I do, I like that. Sub-conscious reprogramming here.

PeteK-
clearly you have me beat. either that or we will have to be frienemies. You go gurl.

Steve-
If i ever did a drug it would be your on-line personality, and you are addictive. I'm guessing when I meet you, I will come to find out that you are actually a shy quiet librarian for the Nuns of St. Clitorus convent somewhere on Long Island .... and the fun will be gone. It is for that reason I fear meeting you.

Lawrence- MayBear
You inspire a pic. Thank-you.

*People, if your a regular contributor here, we all want to know you. Robert has put together this area for profiles. Granted it may seem intimidating, all the questions about appliance history, and so. But don't be discouraged because you don't have a collection or never worked as a card carrying GE appliance repair rep. A blank profile seriously cuts into ones image. It seems insincere. If you have found your way to this, of ALL forums on the internet and stuck around, make the effort. I have to do this too for my email profile.